“What's so perfect about this number? I mean, it ain't even rational...”
“He's just a cheap ripoff of me!”
Phi is the golden ratio and indication of true perfection. The discovery of Phi or (thanks goes to Merlin) is an even greater mistake than the discovery of Pi (again, that one was Merlin's fault).
His simple formula that is taught in most elementary schools goes as follows:
where ( the equation of )
Phi: The Results of a Mushroom Picking Adventure
It is said that Merlin discovered Phi while frolicking amongst the forest-dwelling ascetics in India (just prior to his first book release entitled: Spitzensparkin De Ninkumpoop). He, at that point, had eaten quite a few of the wild mushrooms and was reported yelling: "Yrhasdan phi shiznato!" in the forest, which translates roughly to: "I find phi in anaconda snakes ass!" The truth about this is that he was actually just looking at a fallen down log with a worm on it. It was there that he saw the sacred formula. He proceeded to attempt to extract it with a pair of toenail clippers and a sledgehammer, but at that moment he laid an egg and fell over.
It was discovered several times, but offered little or none or even less interest because no human was able to teach little children at school, much less grasp, the definition of it.
The catastrophe was inevitable. Suddenly, everything had to contain the value of Phi in it: The ideal height was set to 1.618 feet. As were the ideal weight, which resulted in roughly 1,618,033.988 victims during the Golden Ratio Famine in 280 BC, but it was OK since everybody knew it was perfect.
Phi: Not to be Confused with Pi
Pi itself is a pretty tasteless number in its natural state. It must be baked for 31 minutes at 415.9 degrees C to turn into one of the best tasting numbers: pie. Then can it be consumed.
Caution: pie may be hot.
Unfortunately, as pie has become more and more popular, there are knock off versions of it that are made by border-line mentally challenged children in sweat-shops in India. These "phies" as they are called, are never as fresh tasting, or as sweet as pies.
Phi is not an Irrational number
phi ends at 238 digits. George W. Bush released a statement stating that "this statement is stating that phi is to be no longer than 238 digits long, despite what any formulas may have to say about it." This seemed like a pretty rational statement at the time, but it lead many scientists to killing themselves slowly due to the consumption of the cheaper made, and aspertame filled phies (please note that most of the children working there have terrible lisps and spitting problems, which lead the scientists to contract many mouth and stomach diseases as well).
The mathematics of Phi
Phi is interesting because
- it's smaller than pi, but it's 7 times bigger at the same time
- it's the only other math digit thingy that rhymes with pi, people think. (wow!)
- it's primary function was to destroy the planet slowly with its perfect proportions until Jesus retook phi from Satan after he took it from Moses who bought it off some guy that said he knew Merlin, who in turn technically stole the formula from a worm on a log
- it fits nicely in most handbags
- pi+350 C+45 minutes-phi+blackmarket shit=a tasty treat
The Mathematicians view
Here is what a mathematician had to say about phi:
"It tastes like crap. Besides, what do I know? All i do is drink coffee and convert it into theorems. Could you please jab that pen through my neck? No? I'll do it my self..."
And that's about where the tape ended.
Phi and Religion
Many religious disputes revolve around phi. This includes the never-ending and ever-lasting battle between the Phionians, and the Philos. In Philoism it is believed that Jesus teamed up with Chuck Norris to retake phi from satan by means of disracting him with a small goat to sacrifice and 50 gold. Satan then made a move to steal it but Chuck performed a roundhouse kick to Satans face, and thus, the day was saved. However, the Phionians side with Satan and seek to retake phi once again.
Phi is Evil
- Mennonites commonly reject phi as it is "unnatural" and "too technologically advanced" for them. What they fail to realize is that phi is unavoidable, and that it's everywhere. The horses they drive around aren't free either: their penis's are exactly phi times the length of their face.
- L. Ron Hubbard and his clan of idiots reject phi because it is a path to death and fear. their reasoning behind that is unknown to us, just like the reasoning behind why a man with an IQ of 76 is even listened to.
- Jehovah's Witnesses believe that phi should not be consumed because it's "unnatural" to get blood transfusions.
phi is the reason we are all here, and it's for that same reason, that us as the human race, which has come so far in our advanced civilization, all want to kill ourselves. although phi isn't of evil origin, when Satan took over, his influence stuck with us, and that's why there are so many same sex, and interracial and interracial marriages... not that there's anything wrong with that.
It's near, and we can all feel it. Phi, being the only reason some mathematicians get up in the morning, will soon come and destroy us all. The only people exempt are Merlin, and perhaps a couple trees, but thats it.
Common Facts About Phi
- Phi (much like sandwiches) doesn't allow sunscreen, vinegar, or eggs
- It's smaller than pi, but 7 times bigger than suck my ass the number 56
- Phi(after being decoded)states that the only days in which people are allowed to urinate, is on Thursdays, Fridays, the first Monday of very second month starting with January, 17 days after Ramadan ends, every 23rd day starting from 6th day of Hanukkah, and every 3 days after a full moon
- Phi shouldn't be consumed
- Phi's formula was later shortened to 1+0.618003... and so forth
- The common mistake is that phi is thought to be gold, but it's actually just a less shiny metal called phitanium
- Phi is worth 50 gold, however, so it can be converted
- 1.618 is Phi is φ is also perfect
- His full name is
1.6180339887 4989484820 4586834365 6381177203 0917980576 2862135448 6227052604 6281890244 9707207204 1893911374 8475408807 5386891752 1266338622 2353693179 3180060766 7263544333 8908659593 9582905638 3226613199 2829026788 0675208766 8925017116 9620703222 1043216269 5486262963 1361443814 9758701220 3408058879 5445474924 6185695364 8644492410 4432077134 4947049565 8467885098 7433944221 2544877066 4780915884 6074998871 2400765217 0575179788 3416625624 9407589069 7040002812 1042762177 1117778053 1531714101 1704666599 1466979873 1761356006 7087480710 1317952368 9427521948 4353056783 0022878569 9782977834 7845878228 9110976250 0302696156 1700250464 3382437764 8610283831 2683303724 2926752631 1653392473 1671112115 8818638513 3162038400 5222165791 2866752946 5490681131 7159934323 5973494985 0904094762 1322298101 7261070596 1164562990 9816290555 2085247903 5240602017 2799747175 3427775927 7862561943 2082750513 1218156285 5122248093 9471234145 1702237358 0577278616 0086883829 5230459264 7878017889 9219902707 7690389532 1968198615 1437803149 9741106926 0886742962 2675756052 3172777520 3536139362 1076738937 6455606060 5921658946 6759551900 4005559089 ...
... and/but Nobody cares...
- Phi is also the original Mr. Perfect
- If angered, Phi will possibly turn rational
- Phi is irrational, not complex (just darn many decimals in it...)
- The only substance in the universe known for being both irrational and complex at the same time are Females
- Did I mention Phi was perfect?