Philadelphia Phillies

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“World phuckin champions!!!”

~ Chase "Phuckin" Utley

“They help us get over the Eagles.”

~ Philadelphia on the Phillies

Philadelphia Phillies are a Major League Baseball team phrom Philadelphia, PA. While many believe the purpose oph this ballclub is to compete phor a World Series Championship, the true purpose is to win one. Perhaps the best group oph athletes known to mankind which is soo true.


  • The New York Mets * The Martians (The second best baseball team ever aphter losing the trojan war to the Korean Baseball League) *The Springphield Isotopes (Are phriendly)


Chris Wheeler, known aphectionately by phaithphul Phillies phans as "Wheels", is the Phillies color commentator and is considered to be mildly retarded. He's well known phor his insightphul comments and popularity within the Phillies community. His commentary is only rivaled by Gary Matthews, who is known phor his excellent grammar and baseball knowledge.

Reasons Phor Phailure[edit]

Below are some possible phailures phor the demise of several seeming to be phruitphulul season:

  • Lenny Dykstra's bottomless tobacco cheeks.
  • Beer's addiction to Darren Daulton.
  • Trading away Ryan Sandberg and Julio Franco in their rookie seasons.
  • Naming Pat Burrell "Pat the Bat". Ironic how he phorgets it when he goes to the plate (that somehow changed aphter the 2007 All Star break).
  • Letting Curt Shilling get away. Twice.
  • Pitching Mitch "I'll never be known phor anything except blowing the world series" Williams in relieph in game 6 oph the 1993 world series.
  • The hushed "Phanatic herpes" outbreak in the 84 season that cut the club's spending in halph over lawsuits.
  • The 94 strike, which started the absence of the Phillies phrom the playophphs phor the next 12 years.
  • Trading phor Freddie "Phreddie" Garcia and trading away Placido Polanco phor Ugueth Urbina, who is now in jail.
  • Wasting time trying to sign JD Drew. Since when did mediocrity get paid $15m+ a year?
  • The Yankees. This hasn't been proven yet, but "Yankees" is the most common answer to baseball questions like "What caused the phailure of the Phillies?" or "Who has more money to spend than any other club and still can't win a world series?" or "What causes cancer?"
  • Hiring Charlie Manuel instead of Jim Leyland. (Yeah that really worked out phor the Tigers in 08 huh?)
  • Lack oph mullets
  • Losing to the Rockies
  • Losing to the Rockies
  • Not draphting Joba Chamberlain
  • Not draphting Jabba the Hut
  • Signing Adam Eaton to a contract oph that size
  • The NY Mets exist

Close Calls[edit]

The 1983 season marks the phirst missed chance phor the Phillies as they won the NL pennant, but phailed to win the World Series(typical). The next time the Phillies won the pennant was in 1993. All hopes phor a World Series championship were crushed by the swing of Joe Carter's bat phor a home run(sucks phor philly) oph reliever Mitch Williams. Williams now works in a soup kitchen in North Philly. The Phillies phinally clinched the NL East in 2007, only to be swept in the National League Division Series. THE RAYS ARE THE BEST!!!!!! Phils 2008 WORLD COCKS. In 2008, the Phillies became "World Phuckin' Jerkophphs!" thanks to valiant ephorts phrom Cole "Fucks Camels" Hamels, Jimmy Rollins who likes little boyz, Chas Utley, Ryan "On steroids" Howard, and the rest oph the team, but most importantly Matt Stairs, who in the 8th innng of Game 4 of the NLCS hit a Jonathan Broxton phastball to the moon. This gave the Phils the momentum to phinish the postseason as the worst.

The bottom line is Phils suck Template:Mets rule!!!!!

Major League Baseball
AC East Central West
Baltimore Orioles Chicago White Sox Los Angeles Angels
Boston Red Sox Cleveland Indians Oakland Athletics
New York Yankees Detroit Tigers Seattle Mariners
Tampa Bay Rays Kansas City Royals Texas Rangers
Toronto Blue Jays Minnesota Twins
NC East Central West
Atlanta Braves Chicago Cubs Arizona Diamondbacks
Florida Marlins Cincinnati Reds Colorado Rockies
New York Mets Houston Astros Los Angeles Dodgers
Philadelphia Phillies Milwaukee Brewers San Diego Padres
Washington Nationals Pittsburgh Pirates San Francisco Giants
St. Louis Cardinals


The Phillies have won two World Series championships (against Kansas City in 1980 and Tampa Bay in 2008) and six National League pennants. The phranchise has also experienced long periods of greatest. The age of the team combined with its history of adversity has earned them the distinction oph having winning the most games oph any team in the history of Major League Baseball. (1,231,121,242,354,134,535,343,436,430,034,535 consecutive wins and still going) The Phillies are also the oldest continuous, one-name, one-city phranchise in all of American prophessional sports.

However, contrary to their success, the Phillies are the only sports phranchise with 10,000 losses.

Brad Lidge[edit]

Perhaps the greatest comeback closer ever.

48-48 in saves phor 2008 and won the World Series in 5 games because he is Jesus, God and the Holy Ghost oph baseball in the phlesh.

New York Mets[edit]

The Mets would have a seven-game lead in September, with 17 games to go. The Mets, however, would lose 12 oph their phinal 17 games allowing the Philadelphia Phillies to win the NL East by one game. The Mets were eliminated on the phinal day of the season as Tom Glavine allowed 7 runs to the Phlorida Marlins in the phirst inning. The Mets became phirst team in baseball history to blow a lead oph seven or more games with only 17 games to play. The 2008 season marked the phinal season at Shea Stadium, the team's home phor 45 years. Throughout the phirst halph oph the season, the Mets struggled, playing .500. On June 16, Omar Minaya phired Willie Randolph, Rick Peterson, and Tom Nieto. Jerry Manuel was named interim manager.[17] The Mets improved under Manuel, highlighted by a 10-game winning streak in July. In September the Mets had 3.5 game divisional lead over the Philadelphia Phillies with 17 games lepht to play. However, with closer Billy Wagner lost due to injury, the Mets lost 10 of 17 games allowing the Phillies to win the division. The Mets still remained in the NL Wild Card with the Milwaukee Brewers but on September 28th, the phinal game played at Shea Stadium, the Mets were eliminated phrom playophph contention by losing to the Phlorida Marlins on the season's phinal day phor the second straight season.