Piano Man
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“Sing us a song, you’re the Piano Man!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Piano man
Piano Man is a super-hero and part of the Justice Cliché.
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[edit] Super-Powers
He has the ability the play the piano, harmonica and sing all at once. He has the baffling ability to be both chart-topping and heavily criticised at once. For unknown reasons all who listen to his music are compelled to give him free bread.
[edit] Alter-Ego
Piano Man is also secretly Billy Joel (Not the other way around as some people would have you believe). By day he plays the piano in his friend, John’s bar and steals drinks.
[edit] Early Life
Piano Man is the son of Jack Thompson and Hillary Clinton. At the age of 3 he rebelled against his parents and killed them with a sharpened copy of Grand Theft Auto: London. A week later he changed his name to Piano Man. At the age of 24 he discovered there was an actually musical instrument called the piano and made Jack Bauer teach him how to play it. The next day he stormed the music industry with…Storm Troopers and killed off all musicians with a musical level of 22+ except himself (as well as all rappers). He is now in complete domination of the music industry.
[edit] Hobbies
Piano Man enjoys stoning businessmen, tonic and gin, sniffing microphones and kitten huffing. In fact, he is the world champion huffer for the last three years running. He plays poker with Chuck Norris and the Devil on the first Wednesday of every month.
[edit] Controversy
A scandal erupted in 1996 when Piano Man refused to sing us a song. We politely reminded him that he was the Piano Man, and he had us feeling alright. Silently, he stared down at the keyboard before him.
From the back of the room someone shouted "Well, we're all in the mood for a melody!"
By this point, silence had overtaken the entire bar. Piano Man slowly turned to his audience. His cheeks were wet from tears. He was sobbing. He appeared overcome with a seething rage, the kind of rage that one normally bottles up deep inside, only to come out when those around you least expect it.
"Has it ever occured to any of you that I may have other interests asides from playing the goddamned piano?!" His voice was punctuated by the deep breaths that accompany the release of pent up rage.
We were shocked.
Piano Man continued, "I...I...I LIKE KNITTING!" he blurted. "I HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE THIS PIANO!"
Afterwards, he did actually remark that it was a pretty good crowd for a Saturday.
Afterwards, we did ponder what the hell he was doing in that bar, if he, in fact, did not want to play "that goddamned piano". So, instead of cash, which is what any normal person would want in their jars, we grudgingly put in some cheap bread, to console him while he decided between the piano and knitting. He did not seem to mind.
At the end of the night the piano was in ruins, and we never did learn his name.
The Piano Man's biggest controversy is his state of mind. No person out of Great Britain, for some odd reason, knows why he has a microphone that smells like beer. Or, in fact, why he would not mind having bread in place of money. Theorists have therefore drawn the conclusion he is insane, and has an obsession with bread, and with the smell of beer.
[edit] Family
Piano Man is now happily married to Joan Murphy Guinness (a waitress who likes to practice politics) and has three children; Duff, Carlsberg (probably the best child in the world) and Clancy.
