Pilgrim
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The Pilgrims were a group of religious radicals who left England for America on a 14-night Western Transatlantic Carnival cruise to the Caribbean and back to England. However, pestered by a large group of loud and intoxicated Spring Breakers, the extremely high price of alcoholic beverages, and overwhelmed by the sheer amount of obnoxious Jewish families from New Jersey (who wear socks with flip flops! I mean, come on! Seriously???), they disembarked the ship in America and never returned to England. They would go on to colonize a small village which would eventually become the Buckhead neighborhood in the city of Atlanta (or Six Flags New England, this fact is still unconfirmed).
Pilgrims are religious immigrants.
Really, they were so anal that the British didn't want them. Admit it, that's pretty bad.
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[edit] History
Anyway, their ships - the Nina, the Pinto, the Frere Jaqua, the Pina Colada, and the Carnival Liberty - encountered a storm on their way to the New World, which was the name of a disco in Vegas. The weather started getting rough, and the tiny ships were tossed, so many pilgrims prayed to Saint Valentine and were saved, except for the Pilgrims on the Pina Colada, who did not pray and so their ship fell off the end of the earth.
They attempted to establish "a village" but instead made "a series of crude, ugly buildings on which society today is based." Basically, it's their fault we turned out the way we did. All I can say is... sic em, Roxy.
[edit] Our Story So Far
Today they are called Mormons and dictate their religion to the rest of the world in the name of bigamy. Furthermore, they killed hundreds to thousands of Native Americans to make way for a new hyperspace bypass. After having the first Thanksgiving, they invited the Indians to join them in watching the Bears/Lions game on ESPN, because, after all, all anyone had back then was basic cable.
They have a partnership with Apple, Inc., composing a new line of laptop computers with "Primitive Internet" to demonstrate to people what THEY had to deal with... not that anybody cares. This line of laptops is soon to be discontinued.
[edit] Modern Day
In honor of this event, which is celebrated once a year (twice on leap years), Americans paint little eggs and hide them, because it keeps the kids away from the television set. If the Bears win, it's six more weeks of winter, and if the Lions win, grandpa takes his teeth out and after making that weird whistling noise with his gums, he goes to the toilet and takes a "squanto" so bad the smell could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon. Parents also spank their children with Horn Books to celebrate a tradition that died out except in The South. Also I think their hats are funny looking too. \
The holiday is called "thanksgiving" where you are supposed to sit around with your family and stuff yourself till you die and give thanks for the good stuff. Stupid, right? Who wants to be grateful when you can whine and beg till your mom screams at you and buys you something? I mean, really. God.
The only good thing about it is you get to eat turkey and savor the fact that you are eating something dead, that was killed, and it's called MURDER. MMMM.
