Pioneer Days

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Pioneer Days is a rowdy and hilariously slap-dash carnival of rides, eats, magic shows, and just overall FUNtastic family entertainment put on every year by the County from June 27th through July 6th.

Attractions include:

  • The Ferris Wheel that breaks with you in the top car.
  • Stale popcorn.
  • The totally lame "freak" show. I see worse in the halls.
  • The games you can never win, but then Mike Mullen comes along and wins a big-ass stuffed bear on the first try, which he gives to your date. Lucky little prick.
  • Some fucken kid crying "MOMMY! MOMMY!" for like ten minutes right when you're trying to put the moves on your date, so which no one can blame you for telling him his Mommy's out by the highway, in the median strip.
  • Wack-A-Mole.
  • Clowns, God help us.