Pittsburgh Penguins

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Pittsburgh Penguins
Penguinsold.gif
"We're not real Penguins."
Year Founded 1835
Founder Charles Darwin
Previous Locations Galapagos Islands
Championships Many, because they used humans before everyone else.
Arena Consol Energy Center, formerly an igloo
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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Pittsburgh Penguins.

Many claim that the Pittsburgh Penguins (formerly the Galapagos Penguins) are the defending National Hockey League champions, but this is in fact impossible. Penguins cannot and never will live above the tropics. Pittsburgh grew desperate for penguins, so they invaded Canada to search for penguins. However, as they are an organization of hockey players, they never did well in geography (for example, people thought putting a hockey team in Arizona was a good idea. Apparently Winnipeg wasn't cold enough, so they figured they could get closer to the South Pole). The Penguins organization, coming up empty in their search for penguins, settled for a human, whom they renamed Sidney. The Penguins hoped for success, despite the misnomer that plagues them and so many other teams who fail to generate a roster filled with members of their own species.

They have achieved copious amounts of success in their team's history. They have won several championships and the Chuck Norris Trophy (attributed to their use of humans before any other team). They drove other teams to use humans, thus raising the credibility of the National Hockey League to unparalleled heights, despite the still-constant tramplings via beetles and dust bunnies.

Origins[edit]

The proud owner, rocking the team's fan-designed third jersey for the 1847 Penguins-Whales game

The Penguins organization was founded in 1835 by Charles Darwin after he raided the Galapagos Islands and infected said islands with various foreign species, such as the penguin and the brain. Brains, after being exposed to the western air plagued by unannounced theocracy, soon died out after American invasion. Considering them unable to turn a profit, Americans left the penguins for dead on the Galapagos Islands. Darwin, however, was able to round the twenty or so penguins he brought with him into a team. Trying to prove the Americans wrong, he laid out the plot for a movie which would portray the penguins in a positive light. As a backup plan, he also formed a sporting organization which would compete with the rival Whales for supremacy. On one day, Darwin and the Whales' owner got together to discuss what sport both teams would play. Darwin suggested basketball, but the Whales' owner feared competition from Kobe Bryant and his gang of referees. The Whalers' owner ultimately suggested hockey, citing that ice was "an optimal surface" for aquatic life. Both owners agreed and the first game between the two was played the next day. The Galapagos Penguins lost after the Whales ate half of their squad. They would play annually until 1995.

Controversial Move to Pennsylvania[edit]

In 1966, long after Darwin's death, the ownership group of the Penguins were exiled by the Ecuadorian government because of their inability to turn a profit in over a century (but who really turns a profit in hockey?). The team tried selling Darwin's works, such as On the Origin of Species and March of the Penguins, but no one was interested in learning in the Western hemisphere. Desperate for a crazy scheme and closer competition, the ownership group, then led by Bill Veeck, packed up and moved to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Wanting to continue the rivalry, the Whales packed up as well and moved to Hartford, Connectthedots. Intrigued by the lack of logic seen in these moves, the idiotic American public started to come to hockey games.

Unfortunately, mere days after the move to Pennsylvania, the entire team died as a result of overheating. Many, not knowing a thing about the climatic needs of the species, implicated the ownership group in a murder charge. Fortunately, they were cleared, as PETA did not exist yet. Without any actual penguins to play for their team, the Penguins had to fill in with human replacements (ahead of their time, as all teams would go to human players by 2005, including the Whales, who changed their name to the Whalers in 1979 after their whales died). As a result of having humans, the Penguins won every championship for the next forty years.

The Final Encounter With the Whalers[edit]

At the end of the 1995 season, fighting for the one-seed in the Eastern Conference, the Penguins and the Whalers faced off for what turned out to be the final time. The teams agreed a week before to move the game to a farther-south neutral location (ultimately deciding on Raleigh, North Carolina). The Penguins went on to win the game 5-1 after Mario scored a hat trick and Jaromir Jagermeister notched two goals of his own. After the game, the Whalers went off the coast to hunt for whales. Unfortunately, the game occurred during hurricane season. A hurricane killed the entire Whalers team and the organization disbanded. A tribute organization called the Carolina Hurricanes sprung up and competed in their honor, winning the Cup the next season after destroying the facilities of all their opponents while the government did nothing to stop the blatant cheating.

Currently[edit]

The Penguins remain in the upper echelon of the National Hockey League, using their experience in humanity to their advantage. They are known to sign great non-American teenagers (Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, etc.) in order to keep up with America's youth fad. The media continues to immortalize their founder, Charles Darwin, by considering hockey players "unevolved monkeys who fight to solve their problems." They are the defending NHL Champions, defeating the Detroit Red "Bull Gives You" Wings in seven games.

Notable Former and Current Players[edit]

See also[edit]