Pittsburgh Steelers
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| City | Pittsburgh (Da Burgh), Pennsylvania | |
| Team colors | Black & Gold | |
| Head Coach | Mike "Tommy gun" Tomlin, along with Ronald McDonald as Assistant coach. | |
| Owner | The Rooneys' | |
| General Manager | Mickey Rooney | |
| Mascot | A bum construction worker, a.k.a "Steely McBeam." | |
The Pittsburgh Stools are one of four NFL teams held over from the old Negro League. The Stools were founded in 1933 by Art Rooney, then generally considered the blackest rich man in Pittsburgh.
The Stools were initially transfered to the Canadian Football League during World War II, since the Negro league didn't have enough players after the U.S. Army began implementing its "Send in the Darkies" plan at the end of the Normandy operation to ferret out German machine gun emplacements.
After the war, the United States fought a brief but successful invasion of Canada to return the Steelers to the United States.
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[edit] Golden Years
OK, really, Stools history has three eras. The 1970s, well, They sucked before that. Unlike teams like Da Bears or The Packers, they were unable to win an NFL Championship let alone have a winning season. (The Superbowl had not yet been invented)
In 1969, the Stools signed Chuck Noll, the skateboarder known for inventing the nollie, to be the team's head coach.
The first thing Noll did was inform the ownership about the forward pass rule, which apparently had been in effect since the first Roosevelt administration.
Noll then sought out a legion of the most steriod-addled mental rejects he could find. This led to mixed results.
While the Steelers did turn up the notorious cop-killer Mean Joe Greene, who later actually shot at the brain of Ken Stabler live on national TV, the Steelers also accidentally drafted Terry Bradshaw.
Bradshaw was once dismissed by his high school coach as "a man so dim that light cannot escape his surface". This is not to be confused with Greene, a man so BLACK that light cannot escape his surface, either.
The Steelers apparently did some amazing shit, winning four super bowls or so this fat guy at the truck stop told me the other day when I was sitting by myself and minding my own business. He said some shit about some chick who banged Terry Bradshaw, and I was totally like, "That's kind of like Tom Brady getting caught with that goat."
By the 1980s, most of the Steelers' players had been using steroids for so long that they developed a craving for human brains. The Steelers teams initially did well, killing and eating most of their opponents. However, as players kept losing body parts, the team too fell apart.
By 1992, the Steelers dismissed Chuck Noll, who had since returned to skating but no one really noticed until the Steelers fired him and replaced him with the world's first chin implant recipient, Bill "70s Fuck Machine" Cowher. Cowher had come to fame during the 1992 Summer Olympics by killing and devouring Jay Leno to become the chinniest man in a Western democracy. Following the death of Deng Xiaoping, Cowher became the chinniest man in the world.
Cowher did some stuff, I guess. He drafted this gay dude who cried a lot, and then they cut him and replaced him with that He Hate Me guy from the XFL. He Hate Me apparently was hated, and he was replaced by Ben Rothlisberger.
On February 5, 2006 The Pittsburgh Steelers had to overcome the Seahawks and their whining to win Superbowl 43. The Steelers won 21-10. The Seahawks coach explained the loss later by revealing that he had stupidly thought his team was playing the "guys in the striped shirts" instead of the Steelers. Twenty-three referees were killed as a result, but more were cloned by the start of the next season.
[edit] Worthlessburger Era
OK, there are four eras in Steelers football: the 1970s, shit that happened before that and shit that happened afterward -- and then the Worthlessburger Era. Ben Worthlessberger was also known as Ben ROFLisberger for a while, just before Oprah made the internet safe by destroying it and its culture. Rather than register as a child molester for using internet slang, Ben changed his name.
Few historical figures ever have an entire era named after them. Sure, there were the Napoleonic Wars and the Victorian Age. But, that stuff is cold cat poo next to the Ben Roflsburger era.
Roflsburger is the first quarterback ever to be a pan-dimensional being. As such, he not only can pass the ball forward, he can go back in time, reposition the corner and the safety in a sexually explicit position, eat a sandwich, then put his receiver on his shoulders to make the catch. This was famously demonstrated during the 2006 NFL playoffs, when in a game against the feared Bengals, he went back in time to tear Carson Palmers knee, then the following week, gave Mike Vanderjagt blow right before he blew the game. In the AFC championship against the Denver Broncos, he went back in time and convinced the Broncos that they would screw up. In the Super Bowl, he went back in time to make the Seahawks commit a laundry list of stupid penalties.
Ben Roflsburger is the heir to the Burger King Fortune. The current CEO of Burger King is the King.
Ben Roflsburger had a son in a three way with Carmen Electra and Beyonce. The son's name is Roflcopter. He is 193,000 billion years old, and he's funny as fuck. And according to Lewis Black, fuck is funny.
If I ever get back to Louisiana
that womans gonna feel my pain
[edit] Fans
Steelers fans are known to sit on the heads of Patriot fans while farting after eating pierogi, italian sausage, and Primanti Brothers sandwiches and drinking Iron City Beer while waving the terrible towel and shouting, "HERE WE GO STEELERS, HERE WE GO!" However, no one actually knows where they are going. Patriot fans take this cheering as a terrible sign of disrespect, as they take every non-act of fellatio on Tom Brady. Steelers fans are probably the greatest people in the world next to hitler. Steelers fans have run the world since the 1970s, and have ordered all Cleveland sports teams to suck ass for eternity.
[edit] The Terrible Towel
The Terrible Towel (pronounced "Turble-tahl") was originated by Myron Cope, originally hired by the NFL as a translator of Burgheese so that the folks in the Midwest could understand what the hell Burghers, the people from Pittsburgh, are saying. The idea for the towel started with the Rooneys so that the fans could have something to wipe the frozen drool and snot out of their beards during the games, in an attempt to avoid embarassing the Rooney family. The fans, however, instead began to wave the towels over their heads to attract the attention of the sausage and pierogi guy. Television viewers thought it was to support the team and the trend caught on.
While the towel has a reputation for being terrible, but Chicago Bears fans say that they're not bad with a little relish.
[edit] See also
