Planet Quish

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“There's no such place!”

~ Condoleezza Rice on Planet Quish

“It's really nice. You should go there someday.”

~ Kim Jong II on Planet Quish

“I Hate it! Absolutely HATE it! It takes my dignity away like an eagle stealing its prey! Saginaw Spirit, show the Quishtun Icedevils all you got!”

~ Stephen Colbert on Quish and its horrible eagle-hating hockey team

Planet QUISH!!![edit]

We live in a gigantic universe. Who knew there was a planet out there where almost-human creatures dwell? Apparently, Planet Quish is the greatest civilization known--or not known--to man. If you read this completely accurate, totally AWESOME article, you will soon see why. Back off, Colbert Nation, this is PLANET QUISH!!

Typical Quish wildlife.

Country/Planet Profile[edit]

Capital: po-Kreshla ("po" is like the Quishi equivalent of Arabic "al")

Largest city: Quishtun

Area: Small planet about the size of Mars

Population(2007): 294,847,103

Galaxy: Andromeda II

Orbit/Year: 188.8 Earth days; 258 Quish days

Rotation/Day: 17.56 Earth hours

Major exports: Strange minerals that only exist on Planet Quish, Quishian technology

Major imports: Strange minerals that only exist on Earth, Earthling technology (Trade is only w/ Earth because it's the only other planet with humanoid beings.)

Currency: lazpekn (&) (&1=roughly $7.463 US)

GDP: &29,484,710,300,000

GDP per capita: &100,000

Type of government: Doesn't have a name; though it's pretty much a democracy

Head of state/planet: (Chief) Rashk Wheifraj po-Mwrtza, Quish People's Kmtenkag Senate (equal power)

Official Language: Quishi

Ethnic groups: Green 31%, Purple 29%, White 15%, Black 10%, Yellow 10 %, Mixed 2.5%, Aztec 2%, Korean 0.5%

Religious affiliation: Klomfir 96%, Aztec 2%, Muslim 1%, Jewish 0.5%, Catholic 0.5%

Literacy rate: 98% (Aztecs are illiterate)

Geography[edit]

Located in the faraway galaxy Andromeda II, Quish is a planet roughly the size of Mars. About half of the planet is lumerkif, or oceans. The planet has many strange landforms and features, such as jhimgref, which are similar to mountains (and sometimes volcanoes), and sgrintaf, which are a sort of river. There are no deciduous trees on the planet.

The capital, po-Kreshla, is located on the side of a jhimgre. A larger city, Quishtun, is a port by a large lumerk called Lumerk Dgawplim. Other cities include Jnerhsla, Flhunxla, and Gyolpst.

Climate/Seasons[edit]

There are three seasons on Quish, each 86 Quish days. (Quish does not have a moon, so there are no months. Years are divided into seasons, or vlhinref.) The season fhnuktz is cold and wet, often with zstyttlyt, a form of precipitation very similar to snow. The next season, called nmarnm, is relatively warm, yet still a bit wet, with rainlike precipitation known as gnyrtim. During the usually hot, dry season of yefshrib, the weather can be unpredictable, with occasional wet or cold. The transition of hot and dry to cold and wet occurs when their sun turns off for two days.

History[edit]

Religious History from the Vybpl (the Klomfir holy book)[edit]

In the beginning Ez (the Klomfir God) created the heavens and Quish. Ez then created the first Quishian people, Adshzm and Evfi. Later, Ez caused a big flood, or btluk, and kept Jnofrah and the animals safe in a large boat called a uarqx. Mzosh led the Quishrelites out of Ygpit by parting the Red Lumerk. There were other religious leaders, but none of them were as important as Jheszu Kyrszt, the son of Ez born to Myr and Yospe. Jheszu spread Ez's teachings and caused miracles, but was executed in his early 60s (Quish years!) by being nailed to a pentagon. On the third day Kyrszt rose again.

History of Quish Civilization[edit]

In Quish year 362 B.K. (before Kyrszt), Freizhnt Oiplkrev became the first king of Kwshind, his castle in the ancient city of Kresz. He reigned for 51 Quish years. After he died, his daughter Riknad rose to the throne at age 24. Queen Riknad was a good ruler and made sure all the people were well off. However, a man who thought she was too gentle to be queen assassinated her in her 11th year of reign. His name was Sheim Sakn, and he took power against everyone's will. He ruled the people brutally for seven years until 293 BK, when a brave man named Hkamn Plohsr overthrew Sakn and became king. King Hkamn ruled for 93 years (remember years are shorter there), and his reign began the Golden Age of Quish. Good kings and queens ruled the planet, and the Golden Age lasted until Yirudh took over in 9 BK. When Jheszu was born, evil Yirudh ordered him to be killed, but Yirudh was killed himself by Drihnba Olpraeth, a citizen who did not like having an evil ruler. Unfortunately, many evil kings followed afterwards, resulting in the Dark Age. Eventually, in 984 AD, the last bad ruler was overthrown and a bunch of people started complaining that they wanted democracy. The people unanimously created a government in which the chief would have the same amount of power as the Kmtenkag, or Senate. The citizens could vote, and everyone was happy for a thousand years. (In 1519 Earth years, when Cortes invaded the Aztecs on Earth, a couple astronomically advanced Aztecs escaped to Quish. In 2003, some North Koreans somehow escaped to Quish because they were tired of North Korea.) There were no other countries around, so Quish was never in any wars. Until 2019. In that year, Earthling astronauts discovered the Andromeda II galaxy and were very excited that there was humanoid life on another planet. The Earthlings wanted to take over Quish so that they could colonize it. However, the Quish armed forces were too much for the low-tech Earthlings, and the foreigners had to surrender. Quish and Earth signed a treaty that neither would invade the other, and are currently at peace with each other. In fact, they often trade their goods.

Culture[edit]

Food[edit]

Traditional Quish cuisine consists of vhlerhan(similar to rice) and fraehukt meat(similar to beef--fraehukt is main livestock). Quishians also eat various fruits and vegetables that grow on the planet. The most popular chain restaurant in Quish is po-Kanlit, which is sort of a fancy fast-food establishment. During the hot and dry season, Quishians enjoy outdoor barbecue parties called kjelmtif. Usually, the meal at a kjelmt consists of nushpref(Quishian hot dogs) or greszinh(poultry as popular as chicken is in America).

Clothing[edit]

Traditional Quish dress is very much like that of Earth's:people dress according to the occasion and the weather. However, men wear dress-like kopshaf to special occasions, and women wear ekstrof, which are similar to Earth's men's suits. Women do not have any hair, while men usually have a curly tuft on the top of their head. Children dress comfortably and sometimes wear specific colors based on their age.

Holidays/Festivals/Religion[edit]

Followers of the Klomfir religion celebrate Kyrsztens, the celebration of Kyrszt's birth, and Yszdre, the feast of Kyrszt rising from the dead. Other, nonreligious holidays include Plohsr Day, which celebrates the beginning of the Golden Age, Fyrtm Day, celebrating the beginning of Quishian democracy, and a special kjelmt celebrating the beginning of yefshrib, the hot and dry season. Birthdays are celebrated also, in fact very similar to the way they are on Earth.

There is a synagogue and a mosque in Quishtun for the Jewish and Muslim minorities. (The Muslims look straight into the sky to face Mecca.) Each town has a Klomfir church. (Since the Klomfir faith is very similar to Christianity, the few North Koreans often go to Klomfir churches.)

Entertainment/Leisure[edit]

Quishian traditional music is very popular, including ijkevh dancing and juntfrehw folk music. A main source of entertainment is the holfrekth, which is scarily similar to a television. They have a big movie industry also.

There are many popular sports in Quish, including pkotak, similar to basketball, and phoplek, similar to soccer. Quishtun's hockey team, the Depfolkif (Icedevils), are major rivals of Stephen Colbert's team, the Saginaw Spirit.

Quishi literature is very popular also, and there are also art museums called nozkenaf. The Quishi alphabet is phonetic, and there are 33 letters.

A message in the Quish alphabet. It says something along the lines of "Stephen Colbert sucks", or "Praise Ez". We're not sure which.

Many Quishian families have pets, usually khujif (cats), keshtef (dogs) or nyjelkif (penguins).

Economy[edit]

Most adults have well-paying jobs, and the average GDP per capita is &100,000. There are, of course, some homeless people and several rather poor families. Health care is also very good.

Trade with Earth is very important to Quish's economy. Quish exports Quishian technology and strange minerals only found on Quish. Imports include Earthling (surprisingly low-tech) technology and strange minerals only found on Earth. Goods are transported by satellite.

There are many industrial factories on Quish, and also many farms. The farms often raise fraehukt, the most common livestock (the meat of which is very popular). They also raise greszinh, the very popular poultry which also provide eggs.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Education[edit]

Kids get very good educations in Quish, and the public schools are all very high quality. On top of (somewhat strange)math, (somewhat strange) science, Quishian history, and Quishi, most students study English, the dominant Earth language, because it is useful for trade and will probably become even more important as interaction and even travel between the two planets increase in the future. There are some private schools, but they are not very popular.

Government/Politics[edit]

Quish is a democracy, with the chief, or rashk, having the same amount of power as the Kmtenkag, the people's senate. The citizens vote for the rashk every 3 years and the Kmtenkag representatives every 2 years. The planet is in a state of peace with Earth, keeping with the treaty that was signed after the war of 2019.

See Also[edit]