Platypus

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Martha, the last remaining platypus on Earth, was cooked and eaten on September 4, 1996. And she gave anyone who ate her fatal food poisoning, too!

“Eh... close enough”

~ God on Platypuses

“Fuck this, now I'm Atheist!”

~ The Pope on his first sight of a Platypus

“Evolution couldn't do that. There must be a god!”

~ an Athiest on first sight of a Platypus

“"I mean, what the hell?"”

~ Everybody on Platypuses

“Can you huff it?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Platypussies

“Awesome! Wait, what?”

“hey, where's Perry?”

~ Phineas and Ferb on their fucking pet platypus on every episode

“You know the platypus isn't real. People just pretend it is as a part of the conspiracy.”

~ APPLEJUICE on Conspiracy Theory #4

“In the Caribbean, the Platypus eats YOU!!!!!! and your little dog TOO”

~ Karma on little dogs

“You know, the Platypus is my cousin?”

~ Marque Van Norden, the Destroyer of worlds on Family

“IS it single?”

~ Psyduck on the Platypus

“HOW SCRUMPTIOUS! I'M PATRICK THE PURPLE PLATYPUS!”

~ Patrick The Purple Platypus on Platypuses

PLATYPUS POWER WILL KILL US ALL!

Many scientists believe that Mitchell mated with a male beaversnake and the resulting offspring turned out to be a fascinating creature called a platypus. The large poisonous talons are used to fuck shit up. It is also believed that Mitchell was a homosexual and that is why the platypus is such a messed up creature. While doing scientific research in some african mountains, Brian Everton had sex with a wombat. The sexual drive was so intense for Brian that he became poisoned by the wobats large teeth. (this led to the development of the platypussy)

Plata from the greek word hairy or ugly. Pus is from the greek word for kitten. The name translates to dead sheep's spleen with mustard. No one really seems to know what the heck a "Platypus" is. Some think it is a duck thing due to the bill, but some call it a mammal because it has a beaver tail. Some just call them an "It." Some call them aliens. Some call them "biogenetic cross-breds from scientists who tried to mix a giraffe with bologna." It has been proven that Platypuses are allergic to bananas. also they like beer and are raging alcoholics.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Platypus.
A typical platypus.

Defensive Mechanisms[edit]

Male platypuses have poisonous barbs on their hind feet. These barbs, while powerful defensive tools, are quite awkward to actually use in battle. Most scientists believe that the barbs exist as a balancing mechanism, since the platypus originally leaned forward a bit. This balance has been achieved, but at the cost of having one of the most useless physical defenses in nature. It has also led to them being used as offensive weaponry.

If the platypus is ever cornered it can shoot acid from his wrists, doing around 3d4 damage. Once he levels up he upgrades his acid to lava arrows doing around 7d4 damage. After the final level up the platypuseseses acid upgrade to magma arrows of piercing, doing up to over 5d10 damage. Finally at its final level up the platypus is able to shoot kittens doing over 3d100 damage. Female platypuses claim to able to control the elements, ride the winds, and perform wandless magicthey also have the power to turn leaves into rocks or in extreme cases into stones.

In the unlikely case that the platypus' poison is actually effective against its foe, it inflicts 3 damage every turn. The platypus' poison can only be cured by using an Antidote or allowing guppys to remove the poison via their 347 teeth. So, the guppy has little to fear from the platypus and is often considered their natural predator.

Platypi also have the remarkable ability to look into a mirror and turn themselves to stone. Until recently, it was thought that this maneuver would make the Patypus look unattractive to its predators. However, new studies have shown that this is not the case, but in fact Platypi are just completely fucking retarded.

Reproduction[edit]

Platypus are so freaking prolific that two parent platypi can produce over 4000 young cubs in their lifetime. They nest in cliffside burrows and lay a single green, firey, cube shaped, egg which hatches in a few seconds. When another one is laid, the previous baby platypus is tossed out, where it spreads it's wings and glides to safety. When it lands, it will gnaw off it's wings with its three blunt, grinding, razor sharp, needle-like teeth on it's eyeballs to prevent being mistaken for a camel or anything like that.

A baby platypus stretches it's wings for the first and last time.

Unintelligent Design?[edit]

The platypus is considered by many secularists as the ultimate argument against intelligent design. Strangely, the platypus is also the ultimate argument against creationism, as Christians tend not to think that God is a jackass. The reasoning is that no sentient being would have created something so contrary to logic as the platypus. Creationists haven't come to any real consensus on the matter, but most begin frantically quoting the bible when the topic is brought up. In Psalm 81:20, Moses instructs that platypus should be served with white wine and that thursdays are endless-platypus night at Ruby Tuesday. It is widely considered among theorists to be conclusive proof of God's cruel sense of humour.

Settlement in America[edit]

As stated earlier, platypussies are native to Australia, although many have left the motherland to seek their fortunes in the big city. The greatest influx of platypusses occurred around 1857 in the eastern United States. Desperate for work and living in crowded apartment complexes, urban platypi soon fell into a lower class than even some other immigrants. For many decades thereafter, urban platypi struggled to get by and overcome the prejudices of the native population. In the late 1950s, in an effort to better their status, prominent Platypus leaders offered their support to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. in his status to gain equal rights for African Americans, hoping that Platypi everywhere could gain their own civil rights in the process. Unfortunately for the Platypus leaders, Dr. King had no idea what the fuck a platypus was, and had Coretta Scott King bake them in a pie and send them to Rosa Parks, who was sitting in the Montgomery County Jail. This was Platypid-Americans' last chance at resurgence, and since then they have retreated to their lowly state of existence working in laundromats and driving trucks cross country. The sole area Platypi have truly contributed to American culture is in Folk Music. Unbeknownst to most Americans, nearly half of Bob Dylan's material between 1970 and 1975 was written by a Platypus name Shebediah.

Cults of the Platypus[edit]

Certain cults have formed dedicated to the worship of this beast. Despite the supposed lack of credit to this religion, many celebrities have joined, making it a close rival to Scientology.

Occasionally whispers are heard on the underground movement of "The exalted church of the Platypi" its histories and origins still steeped and mired in mystery, hidden as a result of many social upheavals and muted during the Spanish Inquisition.

In areas of Surrey and Hampshire (UK) Martial art students have been known to imitate the platypus bill action using their hands.

Lyrics[edit]

Duck billed platypus Duck billed platypus

It's the only mammal with a beak

And they swim in the ocean and sometimes a lake! Evading crocodiles and water fowl and sometimes a snake!

They live a peaceful life, free of harm and free, of all strife.

Halo Nerd's Version (See also You):

platapusiez r dum dummer den cs. dey ken get oned by a grunt

Okay, what the fuck... That didn't even rhyme! Screw this, I'm leaving.

What To Do Upon Ingestion of a Platypus[edit]

  1. - Begin screaming 15 minutes after taking a platypus to make the come-down easier
  2. - Order a pizza
  3. - Start throwing stuff at angry elephants when the platypus hits. This will heighten the sense of omnipresence you experience.
  4. - Look at all the cool colors.
  5. - Eat corn
  6. - Sit back and enjoy the ride.

Other Important Notes[edit]

The platypus has the brain of a dolphin and can be seen driving a forklift in his habitat of kelp Platypus are known to kill and eat passersby with their acid spray, and they have the ability to regenerate limbs after injury. The platypus can be huffed but only by extremely experienced huffers. Warning you must be able to huff a walrus before you can huff a platypus. No relation to the flounder.

If you hear a devious loud quacking sound behind you, it's already too late. There's a platypus there waiting to step on your foot and make you cry.

!Warning!: listed as one of the most dangerous mammals by some shit book. Cause it has poison spurs its ultimate kick boxer.

I have two pet platypuses...er...platypi?

Edibility[edit]

The Platypus is favored by (murderous and suicidal) chefs worldwide. The meat is hard and leathery, and tastes strongly of sawdust. Platypi naturally contain neurotoxin in their flesh, which upon being consumed, releases millions of other toxins into the bloodstream, which kill the predator ( or is it that they make the predator sing and dance?).

Extinction[edit]

After hundreds of years of catching and making platypi into lawn ornaments and sofa stuffing, they became extinct on September 4, 1996, when the last known platypus, Martha , a tame zoo dwelling platypus, was cooked and eaten for an early holiday dinner when zoo keepers realized they had caused the extinction of the wild turkey. Not realising platypus meat is toxic, they all died moments after.

Oh Yeah[edit]

Did I mention that baby Platipi are called Puggles? How fuckin' awesome is that?!

Religion[edit]

A dedicated religion, caled Platypism, has been started in the honour of these Beer Guzzlin' beasts.