Poetry
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“Poetry is like the glittering pink ocean. It sounds beautiful and delectable, but you really have no idea what is going on. I mean, glittering pink ocean? WTF?”
~ Lord Byron on poetry
“Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
”
~ Oscar Wilde on Lord Byron
“Roses are red,
violets are too.
In Soviet Russia,
poem writes YOU!”
~ Russian reversal on poetry
“In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. Poetry is the exact opposite.”
~ Paul Dirac
Poetry is the art of writing incoherent phrases to suggest mystery and generally confuse people. It does this through diction, caesura, figurative language, and large amounts of illegal drugs. Unlike writing prose or anything else, writing poetry does not include forethought or revision. Poetry is often written with the intention of attracting girls.
Some notable poets are William Shakespeare (recently confirmed to have truly been a woman), Robert Frost, Homer (of the non-Simpson variety), Oscar Wilde, John Milton, Lord Byron, Henswick Wallenfraüde, John Keats and the Pam Ayres. Livejournals and have become the mecca for contemporary poetry. Anything written about poetry is purely speculative since nobody ever reads it.
Contents |
[edit] The first poetry
- See also: Nobody cares
The origins of poetry are uncertain. The most likely origin is word-of-mouth oratory and song-speech. Storytelling was often made more interesting through things such as rhyme scheme and rhythm.
The emergence and growing popularity of heavy metal and grindcore music in Egypt paved the way for the first documented poetry. Many Egyptian slave laborers wrote these first poetic prototypes in between the daily activities of carrying stones and carrying heavier stones. They were often written into sand, and later, a more lasting medium, clay tablets. Few remaining clay tablets of Egyptian poetry exist, since the Egyptian overlords often confiscated any they found and destroyed them. A virulent and hilarious beating usually followed.
[edit] Types and Examples
[edit] Iambic Pentameter:
Iambic pentameter is all like. . .
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Some examples here for you to see |
[edit] Basic
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Roses are red, |
Roses are red, | ||
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Roses are red, |
Roses are red, | ||
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Roses are red, |
Roses are red, |
Roses are grey, |
They Come: by IP address 76.226.216.90
As the daylight fades, my soul darkens
As the moments pass, I feel hope wane
Dusk approaches and they come
They come...
...
...
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
THE SEAGULLS! THEY ARE PECKING OUT MY EYES!!
GET THEM OFF GET THEM OFF!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
As the morning returns, all is as it once was.
Despair, by IP address 76.226.216.90
The dreams of my childhood return to me
Like a haze I recall my inspiration
My vision becomes clouded by the remembrance of my youth...
...
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I'M ON FIRE!!! SOMEONE HELP!!!
PUT IT OUT!! PUT IT OUT!!
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Then I jump into the ocean of despair (Atlantic) and all is as it once was.
Fate, by IP address 76.226.216.90 00:52, 20 June 2009 (UTC)
Much time has passed, but I remember that fateful day
When they shot J. F. Kennedy.
(He was a president)
[edit] Foreign language
Strange though it may seem, foreigners participate in poetry too. Beautiful French, Spanish, Chinese and yes, even German poetry has been recorded throughout the ages. Take this 19th Century Lament for a requiem by Georg Vilhelm Friedrich Hegel.
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The part about his dying grandmother and house burning down are exceptionally funny and warming to the soul.
[edit] Haiku
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Haiku are too short |
Haiku is fun |
[edit] Modern poetry
Modern poetry is the poetry of our age. Much of it is unoriginal, generic, and easy to spot. It often consists of archaic language, very basic format, and often times a childish tone and message. A poem about a laptop or an iPod is likely to be modern poetry.
[edit] Love Letters
According to the oxford dictionary, a love letter is a form of expressionism in which sexuality is translated into a written form, with a pen or other writing implement. Usually, love letters are last attempts for try-hard men who are trying to cross over the "friend barrier" and into a relationship. When a girl writes a love letter however, it is usually a desperate cry for sexual attention.
[edit] Famous Examples
Some famous examples of love letters, include Shakespeare's many plays. These were simply extended love letters written to a friend, Shakespearette as she did not put out, and he could not get any.
Other main stream examples, include the 21st century writer "Kat" who famously wrote to her boyfriend (who went by the alias "Tom") "i will blow you" and inside she encased a balloon. The dramatic metaphor of balloon for toms dick emphasised the theme of love throughout her love letter.
[edit] Stupid poetry
Generic poetry is perhaps one of the most common forms of modern poetry. Much of it consists of individuals with something to say wanting to seem like they’re saying nothing. It is also what happens when people learn big words, and want to show them off in a "sensitive" and "thoughtful" way. "Oh, oh, look at me! I have emotions! I want to comment on the world around me in order to change it! I think that the best way to do this is in the way that nobody can understand!"
Now to turn it into a poem.
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Poette’s Lament O, gaze upon me! |
Stupid poetry is not completely without point or logic, however. According to Frederico Lorca in Survival of the Dimmest, writing smart poetry carries great risk of death by lacerations, ingestion, poison, and concussions:
"But intelligence is often the enemy of poetry, because it limits too much, and it elevates the poet to a sharp-edged throne where he forgets that ants could eat him or that a great arsenic lobster could fall suddenly on his head."
Then again... sometimes "poets" decide to write poems before they actually learn English... Some words different than clock, radio, allarm, to the very least
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Radio No radio in car No radio on board No radio Already stolen Absolutely no radio! Radio broken Alarm is set To go off No radio No money No radio no valuables No radio or valuables in car or trunk No radio Stolen 3X No radio Empty trunk Empty glove compartment Honest In car Nothing of value No radio No nuthin (no kidding) Radio Broken Nothing Left! Radio Gone Note Hole in Dashboard Warning! Radio Will Not Play When Removed Security Code Required Would you keep Anything valuable In this wreck? No valuables In this van Please do not Break-in Unnecessarily Thank you For your kind Consideration Nothing of value in car No radio No tapes No telephone |
What THE HECK!??! That guy got published, I didn't make it up! I'd leave the interpretation to you, but I'm quite sure it involves boose and LSD...
[edit] Stream of consciousness
Stream of consciousness is an extreme form of stupid poetry which attempts to follow the normal flow of human thought. It fails miserably; if people really thought as some of this type of poetry suggest, we would have probably been eaten to extinction by sabre-toothed tigers. It is mostly created by lazy people, and those just trying to be weird.
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A Stream of Consciousness Wenbar wits bah ah And the coyote man would NORTH SOUTH
.e
- Anonymous |
[edit] Making fun of Newfoundlanders poetry
Poetry addressed at Newfoundlanders is renowned for it hilariousness and wit. Below is a poem by B.F. Gardner, a classic example:
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I'S DE B'Y at University of Toronto I's de b'y dat feeds de grass Well I been workin' here so long Hows about a piece of ars Oh I's de b'y dat drives de truck Well de foreman works jus' lik' de men |
[edit] Rap
Rap, otherwise known as "fast poetry uttered by gangstas", is the contemporary form of poetic expression. It is often spoken in a nonsensical dialect known as ebonics. Common themes in rap include bitches and hoes, wearing flashy and heavy jewelry, expensive cars, having to pay child support, and the typical thug life in the ghetto streets that the rapper no longer lives in because he resides in a mansion that his record company owns.
Rappers often adopt nome-de-plumes such as 50 Cent, Lil Wayne, or DMX because of the unappealing nature of their real names. Most rappers' real names are very casual and pleasant, such as Curtis, Dwayne, Earl, and Leroy.
Criticisms of rap music often label it as violent, misogynistic, and nonsensical. Others have defended rap music, and have argued that while it is violent and misogynistic, it is not nonsensical. They claim it to be the expression of the oppressed black man. In refutation, it has been argued that Jewish rap is far more pleasant.
Despite being the newest form of poetry, rappers often cite very prominent poets in history as their influences. Rapper Snoop Dogg cites Christopher Marlowe, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, and E.E. Cummings as his primary influences. In addition, his favorite piece of literature is Beowulf, particularly where, "He rips off Grendel's arm n' shit."
Below is an example of rap ("Weezy Baby" by Lil Wayne) with its adjacent translation.
| Ebonics | Normal English |
|---|---|
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Brim leaning, cup tilted, blunt flicking | I regularly wear my hat to the side in an awkward manner because it is fashionable and aesthetically appealing. I am so inebriated from the copious amount of alcohol that I have been consuming this evening that I cannot hold properly the cup in my hand which is full of a beverage of a similar intoxicating nature. I am also presently smoking marijuana. I like to acquire money and have sexual relations with women. I regularly sell women for sex though I am surprisingly young. During sex, I am not a premature ejaculator, and the women appreciate that. I am like Master P, though I do not approve of his mannerisms and accomplishments. I am not like Howard the Duck, the comic book character, because he is a fictional. I possess and fire firearms whose projectiles are made of the heavy metal lead. Most of the time this results in a melancholic funeral which is almost always closed casket due to the horrible disfigurement of the individual in the coffin. The way in which I acquire money is quite clever. I frequently do this by mowing down those who have money and claim it for my own, a common method where I grow up. |
[edit] Other
Poetry takes on an entirely new face when one is under the influence of mind-altering substances. Much rap is of this.
For example:
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An evil slug was talking to me after I smoked some weed yesterday and said: Some times when boys smoke lots of dope
And the next day I peed like I'd had a long night of sex!
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Poetry is the #2 reason for getting stuffed into a locker at high school. The #1 reason involved gym class.
WILL – Byrons shows his respect for Paddy by including the line “that was life in the trenches” in canto 2 stanza 22 line 2. He follows with a huge appraisals Paddys. Paddys retardation served as an inspirational tool to himself.
“quick laugh now and then,
Whats his favourite quote? Ben,
Brown is his favourite colour,
Like eating crap shite muller,
Light conversation follows,
Now please exclude myself from the table,
“Go on”
Fin.”
Its name is “published for no raisin”
To the tune of Yesterday by Paul etecetera.
Byron was particularly surprised by this riddle by Thomas (paddy that is). It was largely dismissed by the civilised world except for the native Indians, who gave it rave reviews and is their national anthem.
He last poem was the two lined
“Im to be dead soon,
Shot in the legoon,
Fin”
Its name was LEGAS (pronounced LAY-GAS in the olde norse tong)
Funnily enough, two minutes earlier he was mortally wounded in the leg by a harpoon. He was staying at the lagoon hotel in Vegas. He was mistaken for a monkey (ambiguity).
Duffy – Byron expressed his loathing for this vile pig poet for worshipping false idols. Upon viewing her in public he repeated the lines “Thou shalt not write poems and worship idols of falsehood” Duffys response was morbidly critical and Byron felt the pain for years. In Don Juan, Byrons portrays her in a different light, as a flesh eating mongol of Khans disloyal bodyguard. Duffy prefered this image and wrote this short poem; “Thanks yous Byrons, Spot on!” The final verse is too shocking to publish, but it refers to Byron as a leg eating cheat.
God – Byrons view of god has changed dramatically over the years. Since hearing of the 9/11 attacks he has denounced his faith and become an infidel. However Byron took influence from gods various works including gods screenplay for “JeSuZ”;
God : Always knew u was a wrong un son. Hahahaha just like Gabrielle. Jesus : Thanks dad God : youre makin your daddy proud Jesus : Thanks daddy God : You want some cheese milksake before bed? Jesus : No thanks daddy, im on a diet remember God : Ok. Mind Sates dont bite… here take my dickmeat just in case. Lucifers illergic to it. Night son Jesus : night,night dad
Jesus skips upstairs to bed. God sticks on the old kettle and leans against the kitchen table, deep in thought.
1 hour later.
God watches The worlds wildest police chases, a look of anxiousness on his face. Upon seeing a criminal get away, he bursts out.
God : Bloody hell you had him you ********! Catholic *********!
Suddenly there is a huge bump from upstairs. God walks briskly to the bottom of the stair case. He speaks uncertainly.
God : Jesus!? You alright son?
Nothing happens.
God : Right, im comin up lad.
God walks slowly up the stairs, he stops outside his sons bedroom. He opens the door uncertainly.
God : HOLY ****! JESUS!!!
Jesus is hanging from the ceiling, noose round his brown neck. The life gone from him. God sobs loudly.
Byron thought this was genius and put aside his differences with the guy in the sky. They remain buddys to this day. God wrote a dedication poem to Byron in response; “Walk in the light, My friend, bright Passage and delights, My friend, and You will come here, Where all things shine, dear Sir you are on youre way to heaven.” Byron replied “Im an infidel stupid” The battle continues.
(natural guns) Woodrow Wood – Byrons main problem with this little bastard was his decision to get engaged. Enraged at this foul treachery, Byron offended him with disastrous words. Woody replied with the epic poem; “I can marry if I like, Im now legally of age, I can make a girl my wife, Ive now reached that stage, I now tell you its my life, Don’t lock me in a cage, Now back off if you wish not to fight, You cannot win so go, flight!” Universally demolished by critics, this pathetic attempt at a threat only encouraged Byron further. Byron called Wood an “unnatural being created by Gandalf”. In a press statement response, Wood had to say this; “I think its very unfair that hes referenced Lord Of The Rings. I mean, how can I reply to that?... I suppose I can say only this, I am going to call off my marriage and remain a bachelor like Monsieur Benedick, I see there will be no Beatrice* for me”
- Probably a reference to a number of things.
Byron made amends with Wood and attended woods wedding in the summer of 69. “This is sh*t” Byron exclaimed wildly in a party tiiiime!!!! press statement.
Fewlis – Byron was a well known supporter of serial killer/philanthropist Fewliss and dedicated the famous poem “confused.com” to him. “He is an awesome guy” Byron exclaimed. “Confused a little maybe… like, uh, George Bush you know. Like when George is sitting with his dad and someone calls out “George bush!”, you know. That kind of confused.” Fewliss went off to live in the rocky mountains two years after Byrons statement and died horrifically from the swine influenza. The pandemic has recently begun again. “Thank god. Oh, that’s me. Thank you” God on the disastrous spreading of the swine flu. “Swine flu must kill all. Or save them. Im confuuuuused.com” Fewliss on his mum. “Don’t be a pig” Mexican on Mexicans trying to steal all the pigs. “Oink you assole” A pig on a typical American.
Dubya – Byron hated the big bush so much that he physically forced a mountain goat down his throat in a public announcement. This is sorta how it went. Dubya – My fellow Americ- Gargh! Gh! Byron – Eat it Bush! Eat it! Dubya George went on through presidency as “goat-throat mon” (mon courtesy of Bob (Marley that is)). He often offered services in livestock communication after his presidency. But many were afraid he would somehow convince the much more intelligent animals into starting a full blown war. Bad Dubya. Sit Dubya. Baaaad boy. Byron made up with Dubz shortly after, respecting his new found care for nature nd shiz.
Byrons black book – • Muhammad Ali – For being a black nationalist muslim he will be made to pay the price. • Jason Statham – For being a white “hardman” he will pay the price. • Jacqui Smith mp – For being a crap foreign secretary, she will pay the bloody price. • 04AleDre – For being lazzzzzzzzy and having a fit mom, he will die horrifically. • Wilkes – don’t even get me started. • The mafia – For being italian and thinking they are more than scumsucking scums they will pay the blood price.
Dresch – Byron disregarded Dreschs unique talents but prefered Alans company to his own. Dresch responded with latest poetic flop “Bang! 16” “Bang, bang, bang, Goes the rifle, Bing, bong, bing, Goes the trifle. Ding ding bang, Goes uncle frank, And I prefer him to you, ok? You old scumbag? Leave me alone” Anonimously human being. Byron, understandably, attempted to spit on Dresch, but throat dry from sucking too many lollies, he could not manifest the liquid required to spit.
Jimmy Carr – Barry Byron hated Carrs joke about boggarts; “So what does a boggart look like?” and; “Im going to the bog… art!” and; “Many more boggarts to come – geddit?” Byron still hates boggarts and Cars.
Kev (space) – Kev was a well known clown before being introduced into the world of a decent, non- insane employment. Verbal make no sound. His dedication poem to Byron couldn’t have come at a worse time, after the filming of ‘Usual’: “There once was a man called Fenster “Who enjoyed some dumpster “Action” “His last robbery really was his last, “Death at the hands of you, Byron” “Samedi was pleased at not dying in the snake pit” “Which is more than we can say for Pitt” “Fin” The poem ended on a sour note. In this poem, “fin” is pronounced “Fa-yin” in dedication to shit wordplayer Dubya Bush. Ppem fin
[edit] Poetry's meaning
Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to understand a poem. It is too difficult. You are likely to hurt yourself. This is not your fault. It is the poet's. Sir Edmund Spenser's epic The Faerie Queene was, contrary to popular belief, not about Queen Elizabeth I, but was in fact a detailed poetic review of his favorite Subway restaurant. Such confusion is the result of poetry's inability to keep it simple.
Some people say that poetry is an embodiment of the finest, most noble thoughts human beings have ever had. These people lie. Poetry is an embodiment of the most ridiculous way to impress a woman. All poetry finds its origin in this motive. Even female poets such as Sappho were doing it to impress the girl in English class.
[edit] The Only Poem That Ever Meant Anything to Anybody in the Whole World
r-p-o-p-h-e-s-s-a-g-r
who
a)s w(e loo)k
upnowgath
PPEGORHRASS
eringint(o-
aThe):l
eA
!p:
S a
(r
rIvInG .gRrEaPsPhOs)
to
rea(be)rran(com)gi(e)ngly
,grasshopper;
As you can see, you're not missing much. This is by e e cummings, who was such an idiot, he didn't know there are capital letters in English. Go look at pictures of Keeley Hazell.
[edit] What is poetry for?
The poet, obviously! You didn't think it was for your enjoyment, did you?
Here follows a list of common reasons to write poetry:
- You're very depressed.
- You somehow believe that
- carriage returns
- are under
- used in this society.
- are under
- carriage returns
- You're under the illusion that the rest of the world cares what you think enough to decode your 300 page epic on 'the decomposing of compost in a field' which is in some other world somehow supposed to correspond with something like death or memory or computer science or something at least worth thinking about. Oh God please let it be something that isn't compost decomposing in a field.
- You're terminally depressed. See: sticking your head in an oven.
- You're under the influence of some type of drug (usually more than one).
- You feel like causing pain and misery among the people who read poems.
[edit] See also
- Reviewing Poetry
- Artist
- Loneliness
- Poetic justice
- dada
- Incel
- Sonnet the Hedgehog
- Doctor Zhivago
- Humosexual
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