Pokémon (anime)
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“omg i luff pkmn! i luff pkmn so much im gonna do the caramelldansen and put it on YouT0ob f0r all th3 k3wl pkmn p33pz 2 see!! w00t w00t <33 luff yah”
~ Pokemon Fangirl on Pokemon
“I want my Pikachu back, since May actually enjoys it!”
~ Ash on Pokemon
“Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfuckin' Pokemon on this motherfuckin' plane”
~ Samuel L. Jackson on "Pokemon"
The Pokemon Anime is a show based upon the writings of the horror/sci-fi master H.P. Lovecraft who, at the end of his life decided that he had not probed the depths of cosmic depravity sufficiently and created the Pokemon, creatures so blasphemously damnable as to make mighty Cthulhu go mad.
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[edit] Plot
A boy named Ash Ketchum is on a mission to catch every Pokémon, but apparently doesn't plan on doing so because he's released all of his most powerful Pokémon over and over again. Not to mention he's been through four different regions and has only caught around 50 of the 500. After leaving his home forever at the ripe age of 10 (seriously) he is joined in his quest by Misty, a 14 year old girl whose pants are so unimaginably short as to defy all known geometric properties. Later he is accompanied by Brock, a 22-year-old Jamaican male who is deeply sexually attracted to Ash, but disguises this by pretending to be in love with every woman he sees.
Ash's mom happens to be a huge slut who has a thing for older men...waaaay older men. It turns out that Ash's mom had drugged up sex with some old professor dude who's apparently the expert on the creatures called Pokémon. Since she forgot to take her pill, Ash was born, and they proceeded to look for excuses to get Ash to leave the house. They found one in the form of Pokemon training, and so Ash's whipped pansy white ass promptly got kicked out of the house.
Ash tries to vent his sexual tension on the poor rat, but while trying to have surprise butt sex with the Pokémon, he falls off a cliff and lands in a river, where he gets fished up by a scantily clad bitchy girl named Misty who gives all the nerds boners. Ash steals her bike, which pisses off Misty.
At this point they reach a city named Viagra City, named after the pill. A very popular tourist attraction to all kinds of dirty people going through mid-life crises, a whole bunch of people attempt to seduce Ash into going into a strip club. While there, he meets an evil gang posing as strippers. They do their Team Rocket motto and proceed to kill Ash. A dynamite explosion cripples Team Rocket, and then James gets a taste of eating shit.
Ash, Pikachu and Misty become inseparable partners and travel to Dianetics City, where the gym leader, L. Ron Hubbard, promises a free personality test if they can beat him at his gym. It turns out that there is no Scientology gym, and it was just a horny eyeless dude named Brock in need of a shag and getting away from his crack addicted family. Needless to say, the group expands.
Along the way, many adventures unfold. These include the twerp's endless struggles with Team Rocket, one of which involves James, the male member, masquerading as a woman and entering a beauty contest on the beach with fake hooters that he can inflate to two feet wide each. Not only that, but along the way, millions of Japanese children get epileptic seizures, NYPD swat members run rampant, Ash catches a Charmillionaire, Misty gets saddled with a fucked up Nazi egg demon, and several times through the series, lesbian Pokégirls emerge from the scum.
Ash enters a Pokémon tournament, only to get his ass whooped in the sweet sixteen by a gay piece of scum with a Pikachu of his own. (this piece of scum is only known by one name: Richie, and he may be the lovechild of Jimbo Wales and Cher). Unfortunately, Brock sees this as his chance to kick his little Brock into action that doesn't involved his carpal tunnel infected, greased up hand.
On his way he meets an overweight homosexual man with a lisp named Tracey. They travel for a while, but no one gives a shit about him. His sketchbook is merely a ruse he uses to hide his porn in. Ash promptly ditches Tracey and brings Brock back from some lesbian's island's slut hole since everybody loved the old trio.
So they go to the Joe Toe region, a massive region filled with pimps like Dr. Nanba Fiorello Daddio "The Science Gangster" McFucko (a nerdy man who wants to have a young male white Pokémon that looks like a cross between a dragon and a bird for a lover, but if you make fun of him he'll pop a cap in your ass because he's just that gangsta, yo!)
Ash finally hands the damn Gratuitous Sex Ball to the nasty old man and keeps going, fighting all the trainers he needs to enter the regional Pokémon championship, the Toe Tag Competition, where no one gets out without being humiliated. The unfortunate thing is that he wastes what seems like years to get there. At one point, he even meets up with that gay ass Richie again on the Leekspin islands where obscure pulp culture references are made, and other assholes like this guy named Todd, a guy who has a fetish for taking photographs of his shriveled penis, and Casey, some mentally challenged little girl who is obsessed with baseball and sticking her fingers in electrical outlets (Hey, all we need is a hermaphrodite named Stacey, and we'll complete the set).
Then, Ash goes to a competition and loses in eighth to some dude named Harrison who in all likelihood collects crappy video game consoles and sleeps with them. Naked. In the night air, with no covers. Sometimes when he's horny he probably jacks off to them.
But Ash still doesn't get how stupid he is and travels to a new land named Hoein, promptly up and leaving his old friends Misty and Brock yet again. However, Misty is gone for good. That's right, the lovable bitch who was there since day one is gone. Ash meets a ten year old girl named May who has sixteen year old breasts and is practising to be a teen porn star. May decides to try out the old chest-thrusting charm on Ash, but he doesn't get it. Then May meets her boyfriend who gets all pissed at her. Her boyfriend is actually her know-it-all little brother, Max.
Rednecks!
So, in the Hoein region, nirvana of promiscuity, the three travel through the land, until...holy crap, it's Brock! When the trio encounters a gang of very horny escorts, Brock valiantly sacrifices himself, and uses his manly charms to turn the escorts into lesbians. After the unintentional mauling, the trio laments over Brock's death, only to discover that Brock was playing a practical joke on them, and the corpse was his dad with a facelift. Relieved, they continue to travel to meet new friends and new foes. May gets two of these when she decides to start Beauty Contests: O hai-...err, I mean Drew and Harley.
But all is not well. Two evil teams are on the loose; these are Team Agua and Team Dogma. Team Agua is a ragtag team of Spanish people who want to resurrect their dios, Kyogre. Team Dogma is a bunch of really ultra-Christian people from a certain other region, who think they're trying to resurrect God, when in reality they're really resurrecting the cute Sailor Groudon! Awww!
Fortunately, Pikachu is the one who surprisingly ends it all when he rips off Dragonball Z!
Sailor Groudon: What does the scouter say about his power level?
Kyogre: It's OVER 9000!!!
Pikachu: Piii...KAAAA...CHUUUUUUUU!!!!
After the insanity, they ran off to the Hoein Championship where Team Rocket's Meowth met his alter-ego, Puss In Boots! But Ash lost in 8th again, this time to Tyson, some retard with an odd haircut who'd be better off having sex in prison. Oh well, at least he beat the guy with King Kai's voice.
Then Ash goes to the Battle Frontier, which consists of a birdophile, a testosterone woman, a gay fairy dude with a massive pants bulge, a slut with a China fetish, a talking beard, an androgynous fortune teller, and finally, a Village People member who pilots a flying pyramid. He must earn the badges from these characters in order to win the league. Along the way, many other entertaining adventures occur, including an old hairy-armpit bearded dude dressed as a baby mime! Also, Harley dresses like May! You can't script this stuff!
...Oh wait, you can.
Then when Ash finally wins, he promptly ditches everyone again and runs into the hairy guy who whoops his ass. Therefore, Ash decides he will travel to the ten billionth new region...
Ash enters the God Hates Faggots League, in the region of Jesusland. The odd names are quite a mystery to Ash, until he learns from some local dude that a new team called the Westboro Baptists, led by Fred Phelps. Eventually, Ash gains the friend of Dawn, the girl who you can get a panty shot of even if you're just two inches shorter than her because her skirt is so goddamn short.
Ash, Dawn and their ever-present friend, Brock, travel off into the future where they will presumably have many more adventures to come, which will be covered here. In the meantime, get yourself a cappuccino. And watch out for Team Rocket...
...on second thoughts, don't. They rule.
In the second to last episode, Dawn is kidnapped and nearly gets drowned, but, as usual, Team Rocket gets their asses pwned again. And then, in the last episode, the Pokégirl virus invades the universe and everybody has wild fantasies of the opposite sex naked.
...hehe, at one point in the series a Metagross waved pom-poms.
[edit] Characters
- Ash - The show's main protagonist, although it was an unwise choice because he has an IQ hovering around room temperature - at least, if the room in question were an industrial refrigerator. He is almost never seen without a hat, and he wears a blue coat... every day. There are also some zig-zag marks on his cheeks, which probably got there after being zapped so many times by his very obtuse Pikachu. He's known for using Pikachu to shock bikes to attract the ladies.
- Misty - A character who's actually Stupid, although she's more bitchy than the queen of England. At first she just followed around Ash bitching around that she wanted a bike, but got over it. Later on she got controlled by an evil Togepi. She wears a thick yellow sweater and yellow sweatpants... every day.
- May - and a red zoot suit... every day.
- Brock - Some pervert who wants to shag everything he meets, he has no eyes.
- Max - The whiny little brat who thinks he knows everything (like most midgets). He wears these huge glasses, and a green shirt... every day. He's a bit too young to have any Pokemon, but then he'd just gripe about how 'underpowered' they are. He's a rival with Ash.
- Team Rocket has issues
- Dawn - and a light-blue tank top... every day. She also wears a HAWT skirt... every day. Also, contrary to popular belief, Dawn is straight.
[edit] Movies
[edit] Off-Camera Jobs
Misty
Off the show, Misty is a clerk at a Publix near the studio. After returning home, she is a blogger (her username on Blogspot is LuvU). She is the one with the blog entitled 'Tales of the Poke-Sea', about disgusting adventures with Pokemon. What's more, she acts boyish and wears men's clothing for the fun of it. Overall, she is a tomboy! A tomboy!
May
May works on a website for Dawn. May is the webmaster for 'Dawnissexyunderwater.com'. Despite still having a little bit of a dislike toward Dawn, May still doesn't let her anger get the best of her. She knows what happened that one night and Wild Buffalo Wings. She doesn't wanna get kicked out again. Anyway, Dawn's website grossed $20,000,000 worth of membership fees as of April 14, 2007. If you're wandering "WHAT ON GOD'S EARTH IS ON DAWN HAWT WEBSITE?!!!" then read on...
Dawn works as an underwater model. On her website (mentioned above), she can be seen topless, in her lingerie, in a bikini, fully clothed, or nude. Nonetheless, Dawn still is sexy. All the pictures on her website are photographed at a pool nearby the Pokemon studio called Arlington Park. Sometimes, other cast members watch her in action. She's still not a tomboy yet....
Ash
Ash doesn't really have a job outside the show. At one time, he was a car salesperson, but has since quit. Oh, and he's a registered hobo.
Brock
Brock works at a gaybar. Not a Pokemon gaybar, but an actual gaybar. You know with the Drinks and the men kissing. He also has been rapping women at the downtown area.
Max
He isn't technically of legal job age, but he does an awful good job bitching about how life sucks so bad.
Others
See Pornography Even though this isn't usually what they do, it still is very much a pastime.
