Pokémon Stadium

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The Pokémon Stadium was a Roman Colosseum for Pokémon. It was created by the Emperor Ceaser in 45 BC, because he liked to watch cute little fluffy animals kill each other. It got destroyed in the year 24 AD by a riot, which happened when two dittos faced each other and the spectators got so bored of watching them transform that they all burned the colosseum to the ground. The concept would have been lost to antiquity had Shigeru Miyamoto not created a game for the Nintendo modeled after the colosseum.


Stupid Charizard. Fire is weak against water, n00b

The Game[edit]

Miyamoto and his partner Samuel L. Jackson modeled the game after the Colosseum in Rome, added a few extra features such as the mini-games, and it was an instant hit. The day the game came out, ten kids were trampled trying to get a copy, that was how good it was. And the official Nintendo hotline was swamped with complaints about this game for weeks, such as "Z0mg it took three hits with water gun for me to kill a Charmillionaire!"

Competitions[edit]

The object of this game is to fight your Pokemans in a giant stadium in four different cups, each more difficult than the last. You have to choose six Pokémon, but can only use three per battle. As such, some of your Pokémon will NEVER be used. You can either upload Pokémon from your Game Boy game, or use rental ones.

  • Pika Cup: Battle of the almighty Penischu and other unloved unevolved pokemon!
  • Petit Cup: Teeny tiny pokemon trained by sickeningly cute female trainers battle it out in a pastel area full of polka dots and bows to see which pokemon can make the human players nauseated first.
  • Poké Cup: Big, beefy pokemon fighting other big beefy pokemon in an amazing display of machismo! In the end you have to fight Rocky.
  • Prime Cup: Any level can fight as long as they are a level 100 Pokémon on steroids. Warning: using steroids on your Pokémon can result in violent mood swings, short tempers, and unpredictable tentacle rape]. Extra precautions are advised.

Mini-Games[edit]

The mini-games did not exist in ancient Rome, as they were found quite boring by the populace who were used to seeing Pokémon kill each other. But Shigeru Miyamoto added them in to make the game more appealing to its target audience of third graders. Some of the minigames are listed below:

  • Dig! Dig! Dig!: Four Sandshrew have been employed by Saudi Arabia to dig for oil. Whoever finds it first wins, but the rest must suffer death by stoning.
  • Run Ratata Run: Four Ratata must run along a track trying to win. If you bump into a hurtle, you WILL DIE, no exceptions.
  • Charmillionaire's Prostitute Pick-up: Charmillionaire must pick up more hoes in his pimp-mobile than any other Pokémon.
  • Bore War: Four Drowzees must try to bore each other to sleep, and the last one awake wins. I recommend telling boring war stories about 'Nam to the competition to win.
  • Clefairy Says: You must memorize every friggin thing that the Clefairy teacher says, or you will be whacked on the head with a mallet. Of course, the computer players remember EVERYTHING the teacher says, because they are nerds.
  • Snorlax Eating Contest: Four Snorlaxes go to McDonald's, and you must eat the most to win. Additionally if you win, you can sue McDonalds for making you fat.
  • Pidgey Came Flying at the Speed of sound: To show you how it all began
  • Lickitung's Gluttony: The programmers behind this mini game must of been stoned out of their mind when they made it. You control a Lickitung (A fat Pokémon that resembles a retarded fish, with one giant tongue, that would be ideal for giving blowjobs.) and your objective is to eat as much Asian cuisine as you can before time runs out.. It had originally been planned so that when you would lick another player, they would fall over, but Samuel L. Jackson told the ex-pornstars working for Nintendo that there would be no mother fucking snakes on this motherfucking game.

Criticism[edit]

This game has received a buttload of criticism from players (all of whom haven't beaten the game) for being too hard. Common criticisms are listed below:

The rental Pokémon suck by any definition. A typical rental Pokémon knows suck moves such as Growl, Sand-attack, Tackle, Harden, and Pinch. But the opponent knows moves like Pwn, Double-edge, Selfdestruct, and Guillotine. So basically you are screwed... unless you pay extra money for Pokemon Red and a transfer Pak, and raise your own wicked sweet Pokemon. Then all you need to do is switch them over to the N64.

The female trainers in this game are sexist femi-nazis who are the best trainers only because women get to have the first move, even if you use quick attack against them. Their Pokémon have names like "Arcaness", "Puffette", and "Articuna," but don't let that fool you, they know moves like Fissure which will kill you to death with one hit. And since they always get to go first, you never get a move in because they use a one-hit KO move. If you ever do get a chance to attack, you are pretty much fucked over anyway cause they will use Protect to render any attack from you useless.

Pokémon Stadium has often been criticized for giving some Poké-fetish players guilty pleasures. Samuel L. Jackson knew that some kids would want to be Pokemasters; but because this game is impossibly difficult (it's the all-knowing AI), they give themselves a false sense of Pokémasterhood by beating the lame-ass mini games.

Get your tissues ready, because the Pokémon types set down by the Game Boy Games mean nothing here. Prepare to thunderbolt a Squirtle THREE times to knock him out. Get ready to punch the TV screen after Earthquake kills your Haunter. And when a karate chop is 'Super Effective' against your Kadabra, you know you are in Disney Land.