Pokemon cards are one of the essentials in a common nerd's inventory. Collecting pokemon cards are important to a nerd as much as collecting art is for an art collector. Nerds who participate in collecting pokemon cards spend countless days and nights trading their lives for cards that aren't even worth shit.
Many schools in the US and Europe banned young people from playing boss. Posession of a pokemon card at one time could have led to a five year prison sentence and dealing Pokemon cards held a maximum penalty of life imprisonment. Some dealers who were caught selling shiny Pokemon cards are still on death row awaiting execution. In 2000 a Hungarian man went to trial in England for soliciting sex with a prostitute, a charge heightened by the fact he tried to pay with a shiny Blastoise card. It is still illegal to carry Pokemon cards in 136 countries, but some are lenient towards limited and regulated medicinal use. Currently, the UN has declared Pokemon cards to be "causing permanent brain damage".
In 2001 John Travolta recruited, or rather, forced at gunpoint the number one hacker in the world, Hugh Jackman to attempt Operation Swordfish. The aim was to steal enormous amounts of money, including yours, in order to buy Pokemon cards. The plan was foiled however, when Travolta realised several months after the theft that he did not know how to play.
In 2008 courts across America finally agreed that Schools just have a silver spoon up their ass, and just need to get busy livin, or get busy dyin'. At the supreme court, the chief J just went off, saying, "Man whatever, the scoos just need to STFU." It is rumored however that the Chief J was under the influence of Obamjuana.
You Just Lost The Game
Each player needs to make a deck consisting of at least 2 cards. You also need a double-headed coin (two heads are better than one), and some damaged counters (if you don't have any, take the counter from your kitchen, it will become damaged when you remove it). Shuffle the deck, and then set 6 side-cards face down. These side-cards are given to the winner of the game. Flip a double-head coin to see who goes first. Each player picks up seven cards and puts any card he/she wishes onto the table face-down. After you turn them face-up, then whoever's number is lower gets to play first. You can play however many cards you want on your turn, except for Blastoise which can only be played once (unless you have a Water Energy in play). Compare your strength to your opponent's weakness to see if you win. If you do, then you get to add some damaged counters to your opponent's pokemon. If they have too many, it is discarded and then the opponent has to pick another card. If you run out of cards then you automatically lose the game.
Types of cards:
- Basic Pokemons: These cards are the most basic form of a pokemon. Usually you can get more powers by adding an evolution cards as well. Example: Missingno
- Evolution Cards: This card lets you evolve a pokemon to a different pokemon. Sometimes you will not have enough energy to do this, so be careful. Normally if you have enough energy it will make it more powerful, but it also means that you have to discard multiple cards if you lose this. Example: Venustoise
- Trainer: This card is a powerful card, even though you usually have to discard it right away. You better listen to what they said, because they are good trainers. Some trainers, such as Professor Oak, tell you do things that doesn't make sense, such as "Discard your hand, and then draw seven cards". Obviously you can't draw anything if you don't have a hand to hold the pencil. Professor Oak was probably drunk at that time. Example: Bill (draw 2 cards)
- Energy: These are the most powerful cards in the entire game, which is why you are limited to only one per turn. So I would suggest if you want to win this game, you should make a deck entirely out of energy cards and/or Blastoises. There are eight different kinds of energy, from weakest to strongest, they are: Water, Leek, Fighting, Cascade, Power, Volcano, Psychic, and Powerless. Example: I already told you! It should be noted that energy won't keep *you* running during a long playing session.
- Pass Card: This card has no effect. (You may be interested to know that this card was originally called a "Psst!" card.) Example: Imakuni?'s Computer (even Imakuni? has a computer, and on his day off he goes into his computer to think about the past.)
Explanation of different parts of the cards:
- Name: This is the name of the card. It is useful in case you forget what it is.
- HP: HP is short for horse power. It is used in case you want to run away. It tells you how fast you can run away from your opponent's pokemon.
- Strength: The symbol next to the HP tells you your strength. Compare it against your opponent's weakness to see if you win. But even if you don't, you will probably still damage it.
- Power: Usually this section of the card indicates automatic effects that are related to this card, so pay attention.
- Attacks: These attacks are used mostly if you wish to damage your opponent. You need the correct kind of energy if you want to attack, unless it is a star, in that case you can use anything. There are many different kind of attacks in this game, including but not limited to: "Egg Drop", "Stink", "Peace Treaty","Lunch Break", and "Professor Oak's Microwave of Powerlessness".
- Weakness: If you have a weakness, then you can get double damaged. Obviously, it is usually (but not always) better to not have a weakness. Ghost pokemon don't have a weakness, so they can take only a single damage.
- Resistance: This lets you reduce some of the damage that you are taking. For example, a resistance of 0Ω means that it conducts perfectly. Of course, nothing is perfect, and you should better get a resistance of 1kΩ.
- Flavor text: This text is very useless, so you should probably ignore it, unless you are hungry and you want to eat the cards.
- Back: The back of the card has a picture of a ball half red and half white, and it is useful if you want to make sure that you are using the correct cards to play this game.
- Team Rocket: They are thieves who are known to steal pokemon cards out of people's pockets - beware!
There are many strategies to winning at the Pokemon card game, these are just a few of them... Actually, there are no strategies to winning at the Pokemon card game. If you play this game you're already a loser. But here are some ways to make your opponent a BIGGER loser:
The ultimate card
The ultimate card in all the pokemon card games is the legendary Chuck Norris card! In order to get this card you have to trade your two balls (which are probably impotent and useless due to your obsession in collecting pokemon cards), feed them to a doduo, then wipe out North Korea from the map. Perform a sacrificial ritual to C'thulhu using North Korea as an offering, and pray to God that C'thulhu will give you your card. When you possess this card, congratulations! You are now the best pokemon card player/collector in the world, you are now sterile as fuck, girls now stay the fuck away from you (9000 meters won't help; not even your mom will go near you), and nobody cares about your damn card you n00b!