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The Following Document can cause bad historical conscience, general resentment, diarrea, nausea, vomit and crab. I think.

Polaquian Flag Polaquian flag.png
National motto Catalunya, per als catalans. I pels haters també.

(Rough translation: "The world is our oyster. And we're going to eat it")

National anthem Tot el camp és un clam

(Rough translation: "The whole country is a clam, i.e, oyster")

Gentilicius Catalan
Official languages Catalan
Capital Barçaw
Largest City Salou in August
Government type Reich
Government e-mail [email protected]
Kaiser Jimmy Jump
Actual King Lionel I
Currency Badgers
Mascot Ronaldinho
Internet TLD .cat

The Imperial Republic of Catalonia [Poh-lack-e-ah] is a much blessed kingdom, a light in the dark, (but it's also called a proctorate) that may or may not belong to Spain, depending on who you ask. The French will say it's part of France but we all know well enough not to trust them. The sometimes used name of Catalonia comes from the Spanish Civil War times, when Polaquian kitten huffers were rounded up and fed to the cat. No wonder the local people find it offensive to be called "french", bitch or "nigga".

History of Polaquia[edit]

After the Roman period and barbaric invasions, Polaquia joined the Sacred Roman Empire in order to be able to play the Champions League, while the rest of Hispania was conquered by muslims. With the fall of the first Reich Polaquia joined the Aragón, Kingdom of Aragon, true polaquians refused to learn spanish and invaded the Balearic Islands, Napoli, Sicilia... The Superhero behind this conquers was Jaume I. Polaquia has been always land of Heroes, as Sant Jordi, Kubala, Maradona, Nacho Vidal or Robert Mugabe.

In 1492 Castilla and Aragon became Spain, Polaquia managed to not pay money neither men to their army that was used to massacre indians in America. Despite this, Polaquians didn't invest in the Discovery because the Polaquian Colombus named the ships with spanish titles instead of Montjuic, L'Estaca and Nou Camp. Even when the Americas seemed a good market for the traders of Catalonia but they refused any contact because natives didn't learn to cook a proper paella or some typical butifarra.

During centuries they didn't make anything but writing poems about a butifarra, not like their spanish neighbours who were partying and shagging with everybody else, thus the great hungover of Spain during another number of centuries. Since then, polaquians decided that the poems can also be about donkeys. This raised a cultural awareness of catalanism, since in neighbour Spain people fancy bulls more, a pretty dumb animal when compared with a donkey. By this very smart movement, Polaquia asserted itself as the center of the world and also the place where the meaning of bizarre cultures in a globalized world Neon Genesis Evangelion can be found.

Geography of Polaquia[edit]

Polaquia is a great empire, or that is what true polaquians believe. Polaquia is composed of Aragón, Catalonia, Valencia, the Balearic Islands, Andorra, Languedoc, Murcia and various territories in Italy, Greece, Turkey, Morocco, Indonesia, Japan, Iowa, Nubia and Fraggle Rock. Polaquia is pretty dry all year round, except the beginning of Autumn when all Polaquians are washed into the Pacific Ocean in a flash flood. This phenomenon is known as the Gota Fría, which is roughly translated as "Oh shit, we're going to be washed into the ocean again". This, however, does not affect Polaquia's succesful economy, as the rate of construction of hotels on its coast is approximately 42 per hour. These hotels are populated by dutch and french.

Politics of Polaquia[edit]

Polaquia is currently ruled by a ninja moustache called Carod Rovira, with support from Pasqual Maragall and Raptor Jesus. They are both assesed by Consellers, which is roughly translated as "we are like a ninja noob". They like to make Estatuts and they don't like to look forward to making Polaquians life better.


Everybody there speak Spanish. But who gives a shit about that when you can annoy those fucking everybody by speaking a language spoken by 6 farmers? Because of that, the royal and much blessed official language of the great Polaquian Empire is Catalan, whose origins date back to when an Italian, a Spaniard and a Frenchman working at a Barcelona tile factory interbred their wives with each other. Since those days in 1974 the beautiful Catalan language has produced literary gems such as "Jo em dic Rafael" and "Per la seva seguretat aquesta estació" which have been transalted into Dutch by Frank Rijkaard. During suppression by the Franco regime the language suffered total prohibition in brothels from all over Polaquia. Today with freedom from Spain, new Catalans fiercely defend their rights to speak in a drunken manner in all forms of civil life. According to the Generalitat of Polaquia, Catalan is spoken in Catalonia, Illes Balears, Aragon, Murcia (known as Murcià), Greece (known as Greco-català), Valencia (known as valencià), Italy (one of its dialects), Portugal, China (known as chinès) and in the whole of the Arabian Peninsula (arabià). People living in these territories claim their languages to be different from catalan, despite this, the Generalitat says that they all come from catalan, and therefore should be treated as the same language. Official figures provided by the Generalitat show that the total number of Catalan speakers is around a lot, about 600,000,000 dozens of people, that is an estimated 112% of the world's population.

It must be pointed out that the main reason of the popularity of the Catalan is its great natural ability to name the naughty parts of a donkey (thus you understand now the Catalan Obsession with donkeys).

Transport in Polaquia[edit]

Polaquia boasts an international airport in Barçaw called El Prat, which needs not to be roughly translated. It actually does mean "The prat". It has regular national (or international, depending on who you ask) flights to Madriz. In any case, the tickets are so expensive that Polaquians travel elsewhere. An attempt to solve this is the construction of the high-speed-bird-train AVE between the two cities. It is expected to reach Barçaw by 2009, if ever. It is expected back in Madriz in 2014.

The construction of underground tunnels is controversial in Polaquia, after digging in the wrong place made a whole neighbourhood, El Carmel fall through to New Zealand. This probably caused Auckland. This has already happened a few times to King Magneto of Spain (The Juancar), provoking severe diplomatic incidents.

Pasqual Maragall, personal advisor to President Rovira.


According to a stastical report released in March 2007, 81.9% of Polaquia is ethnic Butifarra stock, 10% Brazilian, 5% Italian and 4.1% Pakistani. This multicultural mix gave way to the incredible gastronomical invention of Pa amb Tomàquet (or Pantomaca for the rest of the world) which serves as breakfast, lunch and dinner in the region. The native Butifarra are well known for being antisociable cave dwellers who only speak when given money in return for Brazilian footballers. Current conditions permit that with continued antisocialism from the native Butifarra there race will die out within 3 years as no one will want to interbreed with them.

Sports in Polaquia[edit]

It is a well known fact that Polaquians invented hockey, football, skiing and badgering. At least Pasqual Maragall says so, and he sounds convinced. Those are the four national national sports. Polaquia's national football team is Barça, which is composed mainly of hollands stolen from the Netherlands. The other team, Espanyol, doesn't count, probably about its name, which has a clear mention to the third-worlded country of Spain ("España", in Spanish)

Skiing was a national sport long before the Pyrenees were built in 1940 to keep the French from stealing any more of Polaquia. Water skiing is also very popular on the El Forum complex, rich pirates from Balearic Islands with no speaking ability are now expanding his "Imperi".

Regional disputes[edit]

Actually, none of the territories that rightfully belong to Polaquia wishes to remain part of it. Valencia feels their language is completely different, based on that they spell the word badger differently, while the Balearic Islands have threatened to pull the plug and sink into the sea if they ever find it. Aragón wishes to first gain independence and later conquer Polaquia for itself, while Murcia claims it is only part of Polaquia due to sloppy workmanship by cartographers. Catalonia itself is too busy keeping the rest of Polaquia together to bother about separating. Barcelona rather not secede, but stay put in Spain, the euro is worth a lot more than the Polaquin dollar (back by Bush and the US dollar). It is actually their objective, but they want to be first.

God blesses Polaquia and its naughty language!!!

Barcelona rules in futbol (er...soccer for the Americans).