Polios

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“The only thing we have to fear is not having enough Polios! And walking.”
~ Roosevelt on Polios
Polios, the cereal that puts you in a wheelchair!


Polios are the result of general mills trademark product Cheerios and everyones favourite debilitating disease, polio.

How Polios Were Created[edit]

The secret process. Secret. So don't tell anyone. Seriously.

It’s believed that a vat of cheerios became contaminated when a worker who suffered from polio lost control of his wheelchair, crashed through a vegetable cart, ran over several coworkers and eventually ended up crashing into the vat. Polio being an extremely dangerous disease immediately contaminated the batch. Due to the ignorance of CEO Satan, the lot was distributed to the masses. The tainted batch became so widespread that even the soon-to-be president of the united states managed to obtain a batch. This brand was hailed with such enthusiasm from parents everywhere that it became a staple product of General Mills. The process has since been industrialized with a large robot that lowers a polio ridden person into a vat of cheerios 60 times an hour for maximum effectiveness. After the "polio-bag" has yielded all its flavor to the batch, it is thrown in the garbage. The garbage is then exported to various Indian reserves.

The First Decline[edit]

Historians however, believe that it was in fact accidentally created back in biblical times and became a staple product of the Jews and Dutch. The cereal went through a decline because of its association with the Jews. It was not found again until uncovered in an archaeological expedition to defile the tomb of Jesus. The cereal was put in the Museum of Natural history in England. The formula was found to be very similar to that of the General Mills product that was being produced at the time.

Reemergence In Popularity[edit]

Once the awesome power of Polios was harnessed by General Mills, Polios reemerged into history. Their resurrection was fully realized when Franklin Roosevelt stumbled upon this marvelous product. Once exposed to the fantastic effects of Polios, Roosevelt was empowered with the strength and wisdom to lead the free world, and reclaim his rightful position as King of the reunited kingdoms of Gondor and Cripplestan. This gift came with a price, as the Polios crippled his black ass. Oh yeah, did I mention that Roosevelt was black? Because that's going to be kind of important later on.

So you don't know what polio is? Well I'll fucking tell you what it is.[edit]

Polio is a disease that parents like to give their least favourite child(ren). The disease is believed to have stemmed from handicapped people having sex with apes creating a contagious handicap disease. Everyone thereafter that came in direct oral contact with a crip would then contract the disease and become handicapped and infectious. The only thing that has been known to stave off the debilitating disease polio is for people to ridicule those who have become infected. Some examples include:

  • Laughing right in their face
  • Walking up stairs while vocally expressing how much you enjoy it
  • Slashing their tires
  • Pushing them over with a pole of novelty sized proportions
  • Stabbing them in the face
  • Putting everything in their house out of reach
  • Challenging them to a foot race
  • Jumping
  • Not being a burden on your friends and family

An Extremely Detailed History Of Polios[edit]

“And yea on the eighth day God created Polios”
~ Roosevelt 3:16

For a time after Polios were created all was well. They received positive reviews from most publications, including Rolling Stone magazine, which hailed it as "the best breakfast cereal that won't give you leprosy. 10 out of 10!" After this review, the popularity of Polios skyrocketed, they started headlining world tours and became known for their driving basslines, memorable hooks and soothing melodies - they truly had it all. But at the height of their popularity something happened... Something bad. Real bad. Seriously.

The spokesman for Polios was former president of the United States, Franklin Roosevelt. The one in the wheelchair. The good one. Not the other one, who was the communist and a witch. Roosevelt's addiction to Polios was documented in the hit movie Total Recall.

Sub-Brands and Imitations[edit]

The immense popularity of the original General Mills product created a sub market of various ripoffs from companies such as Post and Kelloggs. Even General Mills started to ride the popularity, spawning many offshoot sub-brands labeled under the Polios name but its never the same thing. In fact, imitations are usually worse. Much worse, like Super AIDS.

Kellogg's Rip-off[edit]

Polios seem... Illogical. Seriously, what the fuck is this. Needless to say, they were sued into bankruptcy and as part of their punishment their wives were torn in half.

Post's Rip-off[edit]

The brand that society loves to provide the most sugar as quick as possible to kids in the morning is also responsible for an imitation. Polo Crisp was the amalgamation of Sugar crisp and polios, creating little bits of sugar with crippling effects. Post did not count on the overall addictiveness of the product, people ate so many damn Polo Crisp that they got diabetes and had to have their feet cut off. Which in the end was fine with people since they couldn't walk anyways, so why have feet.


Poli-Oh's[edit]

At some point in the mid 60's Polio's were marketed as an aphrodisiac. The box made many outrageous claims, including but not limited to "Polio's have all the essential vitamins and minerals to make even the tiniest of weakest of mean virile enough to have up to 4,000 children with just a single Sperm Cell". Needless to say that was goddamn ridiculous considering they gave you polio. They were soon removed from the market, but only after a short burst of popularity among the homeless.

The Lawsuits[edit]

There are two different variants of lawsuits that General Mills generally has to deal with.

Polios didn't cripple my kids, what the fuck man?![edit]

From time to time a stray box that is ineffective makes its way off the assembly line. Yes we use an assembly line and its fuckin' sweet. Better than anything you'll ever build. Anyways, the stray box goes out, gets sold and the parents are like "what in jiminey fuckin cricket is this shit, my kid walked downstairs to see me this morning. WALKED!" To which we mail them a note "We don't produce faulty products. You are a liar."

I accidentally bought these thinking they were Cheerios, and now my legs are fuckin' paralyzed! I lost my job, my penis doesn't work, and I'm bitter at the world for little to no reason.[edit]

Because of the similar boxes and the suffix "ios" some retards (now crippled retards) managed to purchase our magnificent product and weren't manly enough to accept the consequences. So these "people" (Note: cripples aren't people) have gone to some other people (Note: Lawyers aren't people either) and have decided to pursue legal action. To them we mailed some new shoes with a note that said "Hope these last you!"

Advertising Campaigns[edit]

Polios recently began an aggressive advertising campaign in which they planned a series of jihad-esque bombings around the world. The bombings would attract mass media attention to the site of the "tragedy" and then they would pay some locals to run a bigass banner behind all the cameras. This has cost the company a reported $1500 per "commercial". Most of it going towards the actual bombs. When the UN confronted General Mills about this program the infamous Plan Triple D was enacted. Deny Deny Deny. Then they were told to "Fuck right off!" in which they backed down and went to go harass some other innocent cause/nation.


Stop X.png MEDICAL ALERT
Eating Polios will leave you crippled and president of the United States