Politeness Police

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For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Politeness Police.

The Politeness Police is a conscription force of admins who have shown great focus in regard to the important part of the pillars which is civility. Any admins who express a wish to join will be conscripted.

If you arrived here thinking, "Yes. I want to be involved in the policing of politeness", then you are, very probably, exactly the sort of twat who will be conscripted.

If you arrived here thinking, "What sort of fucking bollocks is this we're having to deal with now?". Then you are, very probably, exactly the sort of well rounded individual who will be a valuable member of the Uncommon Sense Committee (USC).

If you are now having a little chuckle to yourself, then good, and you think this is a joke, then you are mistaken; this is entirely serious. If you think this is a joke, but you are not laughing, then what makes you think it is a joke?

Formation of this Policy[edit]

Admins are topic banned from all pages regarding this Policy, except to nod in polite agreement with anything that happens to be being said in the talk page. Admins nodding politely will be asked as impolitely as possible if they would like a nice cup of tea.

Many Other Spellings - MOS[edit]

Many Other Spellings,MOS - not MoS, nor Mos, nor mOs, nor mOS - is a spelling, formatting & capiTALLisation guide to be followed within the scope of this Policy. It is horrendously important to the functionality of the entire Project (this can't be emphasised enough) that this guide is followed and that Capitalisation of the acronym, and capitalisation of the initial Letters of the title be consistent from this moment forward, through the mists, until the end of lunchtime.

In writing the spellings of the ranks and grades upper & lower case are significant in distinguishing between otherwise identical names.

Cunstable & Cunstable[edit]

Cunstable means an "ordinary cunstable" when spelled with a lower case "C". When the first word of a sentence is cunstable, with the intention of meaning "ordinary cunstable", then the sentence should instead start with, "Ordinary cunstable ...", so as to avoid confusion with Cunstable - see below.

Cunstable means any member of the Politeness Police when spelled with an upper case "c". When the first word of a sentence is Cunstable, but not with the intention of meaning "ordinary cunstable", then the sentence should instead start with, "Ranking Cunstable ...", so as to avoid confusion with cunstable - see above.

Ranking Cunstable[edit]

The definition of Ranking Cunstable includes all Cunstables above the rank of cunstable.

Capitalisation of candidate & Candidate[edit]

Either version is acceptable anywhere in a document. The rule for capitalisation follows a Zen tradition of balance, so although capitalisation or not is acceptable, they must be used alternately. If the first use of Candidate is Candidate, then the next use of candidate should be candidate. If this use is not followed, as in this example:

  • We've had twenty candidates today, but this candidate takes the Fucking Candidate Fucking biscuit. Is this guy for for real? How many Candidates, or even the Chief Fucking Cunstable are more anal than this twat?

Then harmony throughout the project will be cacophonic, because some editors will be deeply upset as the out of place symmetry irritates their capitalisation asymmetry node, which tightens their anal sphincter so much it actually spasms and cramps. This leads to constipation, bad breath and divorce. Remember that the Project is deeply concerned with the capacity of sensitive editors to take offence at seemingly arbitrary regulations, and must do it's utmost to sooth such aggrieved sensibilities, because the underlying assumptions of the pillars is that the Project can improve the human race's behaviour for the better by accepting the sensitivities of fuckwits as valid outlining of frames of reference for behaviour in all human interaction.

Barnstar text[edit]

When it includes the word Cunstable it will be formatted as: Cunstable
When it includes the word cunstable it will be formatted as: cunstable

Removal of Uncommon Sense Committee members[edit]

Anyone not swearing enough while conducting Committee business will be told, politely, to fuck off.

Any Uncommon Sense Committee member who becomes an admin will be immediately removed from the USC, as accepting adminship is taken as proof positive of loss of uncommon sense. They will be asked, "What the fuck?".

Any USC member being rude to an admin will be asked to be impolite instead, members not being impolite enough to PPC's may be given an ultimatum to up their game or face expulsion.


Uncommon Sense Committee (USC)
A self-selecting body, barred to admins, who vote to volunteer admins for conscription. Members are awarded a barnstar.
Anyone can nominate someone for inclusion in the force. Admin Nominators receive a barnstar.
Anyone can second a nomination for the force. Admin Seconders receive a barnstar.
Politeness Police Candidate(PPC)
Anyone under consideration for conscription. PPC's receive a barnstar.
Politeness Police Cunstable(PPC)
Any member of the Politeness Police. Only admins may be cunstables. PPC's receive a barnstar.
Hall of name
A section or sub-page with the names of all present and past PPC's & PPC's.
Candidate Investigation Agency (CIA)
Volunteers from the USC who investigate PPC's contributions and provide evidence to the USC.
F... B... I... (FBI), possibly Ph... B... I... (PBI)
I'm sure we can think of something.

Nomination to Candidate[edit]

To become a PPCandidate a nominee must have a Nominator & a seconder.


Usual Wikipedia rules of voting apply, with some exceptions.

Votes are either yes or no.

  • A yes vote for the Candidate is a vote to make the Candidate a Cunstable.
  • A no vote for the Candidate is a vote to not make the Candidate a Cunstable.

A successful Candidate is one who is voted to be made a Cunstable.

Anyone, including admins, can vote.


New conscripts will be given an immediate 24 hour block, and banned from commenting in any way whatsoever on anyone's behaviour for one month.

Criteria for Conscription[edit]

Single-purpose account for Politeness
Immediate inclusion in the force. No debate or vote required. The definition from Wikipedia:Single-purpose account is extended to include talk pages & other non-article space. Single-purpose account for Politeness may be extended to include any SPA hanging around the Wikipedia:Wikiquette alerts, WP:ANI and other such pages. A request to ArbCom will be made to indefinitely block all PPC Single-purpose accounts.
Drive-by politeness
An admin drops by with only one contribution; "gently" reminding someone to play nice. The sanctimonious bastard. For inclusion it should be clear that the drive-by contributor has paid little or no attention to the preceding debate.
Sanctimonious bastard
Difficult to define but obvious when you see it.
Using the impoliteness of others as an opportunity to preach, reeling off a well worn point of view. This especially applies when it seems to be weakly linked to the substance of the original "offence", if there was one.
Loosing the will to live
A critique of behaviour which sucks the life force out of you. A cumulative effect of any writing on Wikipedian behaviour from a user which sucks all the colour out of your mind.

Promotion & Demotion within Politeness Police[edit]

Names of the higher ranks within the Politeness Police have not been decided, but Chief Fucking Cunstable will no doubt be one of them.

The lowest level rank is ordinary cunstable (or cunstable).

Ranks will have grades within them.

In grade or rank, is achieved through the same process as conscription, with accompanying blocks, of ever increasing durations, and barnstar. A promotion/up-grading process is also triggered by promotion of a PPC within the Wikipedia admin hierarchy.
Is meted out when a PPC receives a block of any length for incivility or similar behavioural issues. The barnstar awarded on promotion is withdrawn. A demotion/down-grading process is also triggered by demotion of a PPC within the Wikipedia admin hierarchy.
Spectacular Demotion
May be achieved by any PPC who has a spectacularly impolite outburst, with or without loads of swearing, telling someone what they really think of them and what they can do with their opinions. An outstandingly spectacular impolite outburst can be grounds for immediate expulsion of even a high ranking officer. A barnstar is awarded, and may have a rescinding immunity tag attached which exempts it from PPC expulsion barnstar rescinding.

Expulsion from Politeness Police[edit]

Only cunstable rank Cunstables can be expelled from the Politeness Police. All PPC & PPC barnstars awarded will be rescinded on expulsion.

Ordinary cunstables receiving a one week, or longer, block for incivility or similar behavioural issues will be regretfully informed that they must leave the force.

Inconsistencies & Loopholes[edit]

These are some of the inconsistencies and possible loopholes in the preceding regulations, with interspersed, additional, more difficult to find regulations of equal importance to the preceding ones. Because of their poor location in the document they will in practice be regarded as actually more important, because you really have to know your stuff to find them, so you MUST know better than all those other cunts who plainly couldn't be fucking arsed to work as hard as you, my God it makes you sick at the lack of voluntary zeal of some people.

  • Anyone can be a Candidate, but only admins can be cunstables.
  • Admins voting no are immediately conscripted to the force.
  • Admins are barred from voting no.
  • Candidates voting yes for themselves immediately cause the vote to fail, the process concludes as if there had been a majority no vote.
  • Admins voting yes for themselves are taken to have expressed a wish to join, and are immediately conscripted.
  • A Candidate voting yes for themselves, who is not an admin, will be conscripted if they become an admin.
  • a typo in the definition of PPC, coupled with the wording of the Voting section, could be interpreted to allow a non-admin to be a high ranking PPC.
  • The USC requires admin members to carry out blocks, but admins are barred from membership of the USC.


Research sub-committee(s) will be formed from USC members to find ways of

  • politely telling someone to fuck off.
  • impolitely asking someone if they would like a nice cup of tea.


  • Names and grades of the Ranks within the Politeness Police
  • More Fucking Acronyms Than You Can Shake A Fucking Stick At (MFATYCSAFSA)
  • MFATYCSAFSA like CIA etc.


There MUST be a fucking reason for awarding a barnstar. We're up to our twats in fucking barnstars. There's even a barnstar for breathing in deeply - probably is by now anyway, fuck me. Any reason will do to award a barnstar, every cunt's got a fucking barnstar, fuck it, give yourself one now.

Images and text are still to be designed/composed, but will be polite. Must have a politeness theme. Definitely related, however tenuously, to politeness. Images will probably have an acrobatic ornithological image, a cartwheeling hand-standing flipping bird. Text will include the word cunstable or the word Cunstable.
  • Barnstar image proposals for Candidates & Cunstables
    • place image here
  • Barnstar text proposals for Candidates & Cunstables:
    • Make me a Cunstable
    • I'm being made a Cunstable
    • I've been making a Cunstable of myself
    • I'm a Cunstable
    • I've been making a BIG Cunstable of myself
    • I'm a BIG Cunstable
    • I've been making a Little Cunstable of myself
    • I'm a Little Cunstable

See also[edit]