Political science

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Political Science[edit]

A discipline of higher education usually attributed to or classified as one of the high Dark Arts, and placed within the general structure of a College of Dark Arts at most American universities (although modern practice is increasingly to include it within a multidisciplinary department comprised of Political Science, Journalism, Education, English and other scholarship in which practitioners don't generally do anything socially useful, but instead spend all day in their offices surfing the 'net for computer porn and/or writing lengthy diatribes to the Chronicle of Higher Education). The discipline is generally divided into two major subfields in the postbehavioral era:

1. Highly quantitative studies that no one can really understand and that the author believes is utter bullshit, but is so seemingly complex-looking that no one can figure it out; and

2. Everything else

Generally speaking, political scientists attempt to conduct original research in the former of these subfields, knowing full well that it is the way to get published and impress the living shit out of colleagues at other universities who also don't know what the fuck the research is about, but are afraid of demonstrating their ignorance by asking during a job interview, "hey, exactly what the fuck was that research about, anyway?" Particularly clever political scientists (there are a few who accidentally stumbled into the discipline), utilizing the famous "Founder's Gambit" response named for the inventors of political science (Jesus, Socrates, Britney Spears and Vin Diesel, though not necessarily in that order of importance), will quickly respond to this challenge with "hey... you mean you've got a Ph.D. and you can't understand it? Trust me- I have an appointment at a snotty private university and NO ONE there questions this paper's brilliance. Maybe your alma mater should consider giving you a refund...."

the seal of the American Political Science Association

Political Science as a modern discipline is concerned primarily with the propogation, through professional fora, of annoyingly overquantified published work that has nothing to do with politics in the everyday sense, but rather seeks to belittle, destroy and publicly humiliate other published works by other political scientists who have previously written pieces to belittle, destroy and humiliate those who have written earlier works to belittle, destroy and humiliate that were originally designed to belittle, destroy and humiliate. This is known as the "Vin Diesel Continuum," and is a sacrosanct practice in political science, particularly among its Baptist and homosexual scholars. The Continuum is part of every political scientist's graduate training, as is an abiding faith in the intellectual virtues of bestiality, Oscar Wilde, heavy drinking and Germans. The discipline is regulated by the American Political Science Association, headquartered in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, which in turn is governed by an oligarchic and secret assemblage of freemasons and Lords of the Sith who are only admitted to the Grand Council after proving that they have published enough mindless garbage to qualify for appointment to the faculty of an Ivy League university (one member, however, did in fact qualify with an appointment from Duke University, but only after demonstrating that he was in fact a bona fide member of the lacrosse team and had personally raped numerous African American lap dancers.

Political Scientists[edit]

The discipline of political science generally recognizes only certain persons with specific qualifications as bona fide political scientists, and while there is some variation to these specifications, generally these qualifications include:

1. a Ph.D. from an accredited college or university, or a G.E.D. from a local high school and several million dollars to contribute to the university at which they work;

2. sociopathic tendencies;

3. an unqualified fear of llamas;

4. a hatred of students, administrators, other faculty and any other subjects within the discipline that are not part of their specialization;

5. a retrospective wish that they had become lawyers, where they might have a little more job security and lots more money;

6. a deep and abiding sense of their own magnificence and self-importance.

Political scientists who meet these qualifications generally complete graduate school and then take jobs at Home Depot and/or with the Ku Klux Klan as part of a multi-year internship during which they search in vain for faculty placements at a college or university. During this time, they undergo a process known as the Great Rationalization, which includes convincing themselves that being poor, underemployed, unappreciated, professionally abused, alcoholic and sociopathic for the rest of their careers is exactly the higher intellectual road for their life that they deserve because they hate Dick Cheney and the sun, for all their efforts to hide it, will not stop shining out of their anus. Shortly after completing this process, immature political scientists then typically find a small cave somewhere and bed down for an extended winter, during which time they bear a litter of between 10-14 kittens. If they are part of the 8-10 percent of the herd that survives this process (most are done in by wising up and becoming lawyers, doctors, Jews or other things that will actually make their momma proud; the remainder are victims of spontaneous combustion), they then qualify for employment at a college or university where they are said to be on the tenure-track, which is a process in which they will be expected to work mindlessly engaging in writing, ignoring undergraduate students and serving on departmental committees 27 hours per day, 7 days per week until approximately 6 years later, when they will be summarily discharged and re-unemployed to make room for a cheaper adjunct for whom benefits do not have to be paid. At more prestigious universities, they will also be forced to wear suits, perform fellatio on senior faculty and given only three or four years, not 6, in which to write 37 critically acclaimed books, 188 peer-reviewed articles of distinction in national journals, raise 6 million dollars in external grants, raise no less than $750,000 in winnings from at least one appearance on Deal or No Deal and win no less than four Nobel Prize awards before being told that their scholarship is absolute and utter shit, no one takes them seriously, and they're being summarily discharged to make way for a younger professor straight out of graduate school who can be paid less and worked harder for another three or four years before the cycle renews itself.

Important Political Science findings of the last 20 years include evidence that Ann Coulter is actually a drag queen named "Li'l Mikey."

Political Scientists are unusually attracted to marijuana and lesbians, and tend to run in packs at professional conferences because no one else likes them and generally think they dress funny. In Nevada, Colorado and New Hampshire, the premeditated killing of them has been reduced to a Class 4 misdemeanor. They once declared war on Psychology, but were stopped in their tracks when opposing forces en masse pulled out shiny little watches and started swinging them gently, convincing the marauding hoards that they were actually pacifist mathematicians and that the whole of human behavior could be reduced to explanations that included a square root sign and several funny little Greek symbols. Mathematicians still generally laugh at political scientists for this precise reason, as do psychologists.

--Mong 20:05, 23 May 2007 (UTC)