Pope

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

For Benedict's solution, see Benedict's solution


The pope is now the official 151st pokemon The Poop Pope (or as the French call him Le Pope). The Pope is selected from a collection of really ancient members of the clergy, based on his ability to sexually restrain himself in the presence of altar boys, which is why there can be only one at any given time. Over the years, the number of Papal candidates has been dropping due to abstinence from procreation, proving that evolution does exist and that God doesn't.

Bouncywikilogo3.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Pope.

Papal candidates typically wear red capes and are capable of subsonic flight. Some claim that the advent of the modern day superhero, Superman, is in fact based wholly on age old tales of 'papal flight.' The chosen pope is also able to destroy condoms using the power of sight alone. Papal candidates often take off at approximately 6:00AM every morning to visit God and find out what he's bitching about this time. Traffic control is handled by angels who are deemed unfit to serve in the Angel Forces due to their alcoholism and sex-offender status. Upon arriving at Heaven's Gate 16, Papal candidates are directed to a waiting line. Due to long wait times and a 2:00PM closing time (standard across all of Heaven's government services), Papal candidates never find out what God wants, and they make shit up instead.

The iPope is an anthropomorphic personification of all the fear in the world (the Antichrist). The iPope comes into existence when one of the Old Ones sacrifices itself for the ill of mankind. This, unfortunately, happens all too often.

The iPope (as there can only be one of them) stands anywhere from four to eight feet tall. The iPope has six pairs of translucent wings, and eyes the size of dinner plates (eight inches across exactly). The ipope has pincers on its belly, and can use it's stomach-mouth to subsume prey, as any actual food cannot go into the false mouth which it creates.

In recent years, following the implosion of the western world and Mushroom Kingdom after the inauguration of George Bush, the Pope switched sides and has recently found part time employment as the Grand Ayatollah of Iran. The current pope is former soul legend Jackie Wilson (weekends only between 9am-5pm). At all other times the Vatican displays the humorous sign "Gone fishing" with the helpful advice that in cases of emergency one should "Destroy all records of paedophile's stored with the FBI".

Papacity[edit]

The common factor in all kinds of papacities is the sense of autosufficiency, implying that the definition of pope is the one uplifting the sense of autosufficiency, f.ex. through silently repeating: I'm the Best, because only I think like me. [1] The concept of papacity is subdivided into at least two subconcepts, namely the Christian papacity, and the Discordian papacity, then ignoring the so trivially obvious concepts of major popes like the ones on the political scene, and minor popes that everybody have experienced f.ex. in their work as obstacles to real achievements. The discordian papacity concept is discussed more in detail in the article of Discordia, and major and minor popes under their respective article – this article is about the Christian pope, AKA the iPope.

Environment[edit]

The iPope lives in a dimension only partially connected with this world, known as the Vatican. This land is created by the iPope, as are all "creatures" that live there. The iPope acts like a spider in this sense, casting it's web out through the world for creatures which to feed on.

he played that part as emperor

Pope in Deanism[edit]

Pope Dean, leader and founder of Deanism.

The Pope in Deanism is a serious Pope. Ha, just kidding! The Pope of Deanism is always Pope Dean (something). The current Pope is Pope Dean Kilpatrickus who will probably die around 2300AD (he may be considered to be a Super-Pope, see below). He is sometimes seen watching Have I Got News For You.

Pope Kilpatrickus invented the Anti-Anti-Freeze, which is better than Alcohol, apparently. But it would explain why he speaks slurred.

Pope: In a nutshell[edit]

The current iPope, Benedict MMXVI
Benedict's Predecessor as iPope, Joe Ratze II, as depicted on a catholic PR poster in a recent campaign which has picked out the great protestant-catholic church war in the 16th century as a central theme
Pope Phaseolus XIX after the coronation

The iPope was invented by a man who like to have Halloween all the time called God. The iPope is also one of the few people who don't have good christian moral values. iPope DJ David Tennant II O.B.E is the current pope, aka Michael Brennan. Sirrah!!!!! The iPope, or as the French would say, L'The iPope, is often referred to as Father Ted and owns half of Zimbabwe. He is, however, unaccountable for it's peoples' safety. Muhammad Ali often takes advantage of this fact by taking a Sunday drive through the Zimbabwean plains, running down all those who stand in his way. When asked for comment on his heinous acts at a recent press conference, The iPope had this to say:

"I pity the fool, who dare live in my constituency." (This is the believed cause of death for John Lennon)

The word Catholic is actually a derivative of cat lick i.e. 'to lick a cat'. This has led many to speculate that the pope is addicted to kitten huffing, though he is on the record as saying he "never inhaled."

The iPope is 299 years of age, with a standard deviation of 8.3.


The iPope is not human and chooses his next body to assimilate when his current one dies. He always chooses old incontinent men for easy assimilation through the bowel area. When between bodies the Pope looks something like a cross between a badger and a Commodore 64.

The Pope conversing with his Grand Master Sauron

The iPope steals baby's souls and feeds them to God. This is also known as "cot death". The iPope is the overlord and master of The V.A.T (the verily astronomical tax), the largest form of tax on Earth. In the late 1920s he used the awesome power of the Vatican City, which sports a high 70% tax (spent primarily on silencing outraged shopkeepers) to write his grocery list on the sun. With this achievement, he won the rank of pope. However, this caused a chain reaction, the result of which is that the sun will become a volleyball in 2037 as opposed to millions or billions of years from now. There is great debate over whether this is a good thing or a bad thing. He has also been known to shoot lasers from his fingertips (which consequently has left him without fingerprints), eyes, and sometimes his large laser cannon that is carried by his pet bear, Popo. Legendary racist and Irishman the iPope is proud to be a bigoted backwards hypocrite.

Born in 1743 in Westphalenstrassehaussenburgsteinschnellschnellkartoffelkopf, the Pope was a founding member of Germany's National Socialist Party, the NSDAP or Nazi Party for short. His lifelong hatred for Jews and blacks led him inevitably to the Catholic Church where he has made it his mission to spread lies to the ignorant and misery to the poor.

"I see you, you sweaty heathen"

His favourite hobbies include sitting on his big throne there, wearing big hats, and standing on balconies. He particularly enjoys the irony that as a notorious anti-Semite, he has far more fabulous wealth than he could ever count in the few remaining years of his life.

It also pleases him that millions of black Catholics die in absolute poverty every year while he shits in a solid gold crapper. to celebrate, he has christened their day of defeat I Have AIDS, You Have AIDS Day.
The face of power, unlimited power!

He cites getting his mitre signed by Mick McCarthy when he was permitted to meet the Irish team during Italia '90 as his proudest moment.

Amongst his many enemies are numbered Muhammad (a piece be upon him), Binyamin Netanyahu, Confucius, George W. Bush, Siddhartha Gautama, Auntie Poulet, The Rt. Hon. Rev. Dr. Ian Paisley M.P., and The Reverend Dr. Sun Myung Moon. However, all of his most embarrassing defeats have come at the hands of The Queen who just cannot help but son The Pope all over the world.

Many have sought to infiltrate the Vatican City but all have been turned back as it is guarded by an elite squad of Clinjas, and not in fact (as is common belief) by Canadians. The Pope fears only one thing, and that is an auto accident with with the Anti-Pope. If the pope and the Anti-Pope meet, the result will be the total annihilation of both, producing a strong burst of spaghetti noodles. The theory that such a meeting was responsible for the explosion in Tunguska, Siberia in 1908 can safely be dismissed, however. So far CERN has only been able to create very small Anti-Popes (less than 4.71 Ångström tall, including the funny hat). massive erection

In 1984 The Pope decreed the Four Neon Virtues.

The Pope shows no remorse, because he is also the immortal love child of King Kong and Elvis. The Pope is over 10 feet tall. He can inhale the vacuum of space with no problem, and has done so on several occasions, although his (now archived) mom did not approve. His laser beam eyes can puncture a man's heart from 25 meters, and his laser feet can penetrate a woman's pancreas from 50. His hands are fully interchangeable with any weaponry he comes across. He is cold to the touch.

Do ya know where the fuck you aaaaaaaaaaaaare!!!

Do not piss this man off. You will regret it. If you do upset him, he will excommunicate you. This is quite possibly the worst thing that can happen to a person. Ever. Seriously. The Pope's favorite saying (pointing fingers), "Don't hate anyone, but I hate Dan Brown". (See also U.S. v. Pope (2049))

The Pope requires that everyone be bored once per week, in his honour, on the last day of the week. This is usually achieved using a medieval "mild" torture device entitled Mass. Mass (male), has the capability to bore anyone within 30 seconds of conversation, and cause suicide within 60. Anyone failing to receive at least 40 seconds of Mass per week, will be archived, as will anyone convinced that Monday is not the start of the week.

The most ferocious weapon deployed by the Pope is the Vatican Boys Punishment Squad who follow his every ferocious papal command.

The current Pope is Pope Pontificem, which loosely translates into Pope of all Popes, at 15 years old, his first act as Pope was to change the Vatican's name into the much more phat The Popes' Peeps.

The Pope is also known for being the owner of the Pope Mobile.

The Popes Magical Ring the most sought after piece of the popes wardrobe. "The Magical" ring is what gives the pope his magical powers; IE. His Laser Beam Eyes, and His ability to Fly. If stolen the pope becomes a mortal being once again and who ever posses the Magical "Pope Ring" inherits his magical abilities. The lengthy process to pick the new pope is actually a death match for the Ring, and who ever comes out the winner becomes the new Pope. However at some point the Pope must travel to Mordor, accompanied by his best friend, Gordon Brown, and drop the ring into the fires of Mt. Snowdon, before the evil Lord Devil can get it. The pressure of bearing such a powerful ring may turn the Pope into a frail old man. Wait a minute...

Biography[edit]

The Pope Benedict "Benny" XVI (pronounced 'Ziv-vy') was born on March 16. 1942 and died during a gangster drive-by shooting in August 1988. The tragic murder is by many thought to be fake and that The Pope XVII is in fact alive and well. There are many people who have claimed seeing The Pope in company with such greats as; Tupac,The Side Street Doormats Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson and Ed McDaniel at numerous locations around and near to Shabaaz Liqiuor, Rumor has it that the man himself is still manning the holy bong, along with the righteous cheetos and saintly reruns of "Fat Albert takes one for the team".

It's hard out there for a pope.

The Pope lives on a planet for as long as possible, stealing away the most vital resources (The chiva)... It combined the DNA it found here with its own, and gave birth to those creatures up on Death Peak. Eventually the young must migrate to other planets... to repeat the cycle... It will continue forever.

Things the pope enjoys[edit]

The Pope rocks out his favourite Pantera hit Cowboys from Hell"
  • Changing his name
  • Wearing J-String
  • Watching Desperate Housewives (not the TV show, the real thing!!)
  • Dissecting cats, dogs, horses and other animals.
  • Eating young children (with the help of Michel Jack's son)
  • Participating in the World Wrestling Championship
  • Drinking bottles of Pepto-Bismol
  • Posing for PLAYGAY
  • Knocking on people's doors then running away
  • Playing with fire
  • Sucking 40's at 48 speed
  • Drawing on Oompa Loompas' faces while they sleep
  • Not wearing underwear while he preaches
  • Kitten Huffing
  • Hoarding all of the TMX (Tickle Me Extreme) Elmos and cuddling with them at night
  • Sucking on toes
  • Spooning
  • Castrating your gymnasium
  • Undressing Ken Dolls in his room when he's alone
  • Bacterial vaginosis
  • Personal freedom from sin
  • Looking at edited pics of his face
  • Amazing Grace
  • Mormons
  • Pwning sum n00bz, lololol. ROFLcopter!
  • Lighting bag's of flaming poo on the doorsteps of other Religious Leaders.
  • Double Penetration Porn
  • The Television X 10-minute preview
  • Smoking PCP
  • His Penis hat
  • Prostitutes!
  • Doing Your mom
  • LOUD Black Metal music e.g. Slayer, Behemoth, Children of Bodom, Gorgoroth etc
  • Rockin' out to Pantera all day and all night
  • Miami Vice
  • sex scandals
  • Partying with Wayne and Garth
  • Riding on the train without a valid ticket and not getting caught by the ticket inspector
  • Doing donuts in the Popemobile
  • Eating donuts in the Popemobile
  • PWNING your mom in the Popemobile
  • Eating hookers in the Popemobile
  • Doing hookers who are eating donuts in the Popemobile
  • Doing Your mom in the Popemobile
  • Eating Donuts shaped like hookers doing Your mom in the Popemobile
  • Taking his Popemobile in for an M.O.T.
  • The number 666
  • Sleeping in on a Sunday morning
  • Seven ants. No more, no less.
  • Doing my ex-wife
  • Pushing Little Children With His Fully Automatic
  • He likes to push the weak around
  • Watching the lawn burn
  • His iPope
A clearly drunken Pope escapes from his personal Jet, The SkyPope IV, after an extended communion session
  • Piña Colada
  • Getting caught in the rain
  • The company of Michael Jackson at night
  • Beer, tequila, coke and many, many hooker nuns
  • Pwning Mexicans in the Popemobile
  • Sharing Jesus-juice with little boys
  • Drinking Jesus-Juice
  • Getting drunk by drinking wine out of the Holy Grail
  • Playa' hating on god
  • Square Dancing
  • The Electric Slide
  • Following the hawk
  • Playing Holy Craps
  • Having naked pillow fights with nuns
  • Having naked pillow fights with the priests
  • Rubbing holy oil over himself and rolling in the grass
  • Peeing in the holy water
  • Playing hide and seek in the confession boxes
  • Egging people while he is driving in the pope mobile
  • Taking a bath in the holy water
  • Being a hooker's "savior"
  • Encouraging young children to cut themselves in the shape of the cross
  • Getting killed by that butt ugly guy from "Sin City"
  • Drinking all the holy wine, then using the font as a bidet.
  • Congregating with his minions
  • Doing Altar boys
  • Teabagging
  • Playing "Psychobilly Freakout" on Guitar Hero 2
  • Singing songs by "Cock and Ball Torture"
  • Ten second naps while preaching.
  • The Penis Song.
  • Crumpin'

Infallibility[edit]

The Pope is widely held to be infallible. This caused a minor schism in the church when, in 1307, he stated "I am not the Pope." Approximately 3,000,021 people have an active wish to do the same thing, that is, to not be the Pope. 2,897,301 of them would first inform a Cardinal that he was, in fact a superhuman.

Other pope superpowers are ubiquity, telepathy, inflammability and rockabilly.

Teaching of the pope which are not infallible are known as "papal bull".

The Pope himself has placed the following self-portrait here here so that all can see his omniscient, omnivorous, omnipotent, omni-hatchback greatness in its purest, most idealized form:

--Image missing--
The image could not be found.
There was a problem displaying the image. The person who attempted to place the image failed to do so. One might say he or she was fallible. "having naked pillow fights with nuns"

The Pope can also fly, eat a live monkey whole, and run faster then a locamotive. Unfortunately, he can't have orgasms. Nobody knows the reason for this.

The sacred ceremony of La Bella Notte[edit]

Starwarspope.jpg

It is also believed that the Pope reproduces every 2 years asexually in a special ceremony known as "La Bella Notte" (The Beautiful Night), in which a foetus-like entity hatches and bursts violently from a special pouch deep within the Pope's abdomen, and then is carefully placed by cardinals in a customised hyperbaric chamber deep within a metal vat/can entitled the Vatican, to be raised on a diet of heathen blood.

It is only after full maturity of the foetus has occured that it has gained the complete physical similarity of the Parent pope. The Vatican is then opened using a Holy can opener. It is then that the Child Pope is permitted to roam the corridors of VAT City for a single night in a blood-thirsty lust to hunt down and consume the entrails of the Parent Pope in order to seize power of the Vatican (a ceremony known as "La Notte Sanguinante", a.k.a The Bloody Night), and rule for 2 years until the process is repeated again, whereupon the current Pope is once again devoured by its own child.

The Sausageness of the Papacy[edit]

Famous conspiracy theorist Tanstaafl theorises that there is no Pope, and hasn't been since 1987, when aliens, working with the Illuminati and the trilateral Bildenbergers, replaced the Pope with a large smoked sausage with hands (to wave to the crowds). To date, this theory is accepted only by Rocket Scientists from the Nebraska area and all Canadians.

The Chickeness of the Papacy[edit]

Many eyewitnesses have stated that the Pope is in fact a chicken. It is not known why the church has elected to go for a small bird as their earthly leader. What is known is that the cardinals do their best to hide the true nature of the Pope with large covering of clothes. In past times, all popes were plucked to make it easier to hide the truth, but in later years, the Popes have been reluctant to go through this painful procedure. As a result, telltale feathers have been accidentally displayed in public. Also, at least one cardinal has choked to death on one of them.

An attempt was made to expose the Pope as a chicken. His Holiness was served a tasty McChicken, the idea being that he would abstain from cannibalism. The result of this experiment was that the Pope developed a taste for chicken and since that day he does not eat anything else. Except for the small human children he has for breakfast every day. But, as the Pope have stated in many Easter speeches, that's just for a laugh.

The Papacy and Sports[edit]

The Pope is also well known in taking part in sporting events. His favorites are baseball and football, and the occasional cricket. He wins every single one of the events he participates in, eliminating any competition that threatens his reign with his laser beams from his fingertips.

His most famous victories came for the Boston Celtics in 1765, when he single-handedly won the World Seriesof Soccer for the Celts by steam-rolling the non-believers in spectacular fashion, and against the New Orleans Saints in 1971, when he completely man-handled the entire team of grown crybabies with his sausage hands.


The Taxidermy theory[edit]

The well-known theologian Thomas Aquinas has an alternate theory about the current Pope; namely, that he died some fifteen years ago and has been stuffed by a Bulgarian taxidermist. Although this theory gained widespread acceptance during the later years of the John Paul 2.0 papacy, particularly with the illnesses he had experienced, the speculation ended completely with John Paul 2.0's funeral and burial in 2005. The Pope is the pagan prince of pornographic industries around the world.

Pope John Paul v2.0[edit]

Apple's highly anticipated iPope Shuffle, touted by the company as "the next generation of infallible hardware."

It is also conjectured that the Pope "sorta" died in 1999 and has become the victim of a plot by Microsoft to rule the world. Rumours spread further after someone heard the mention of 'pope XP ME Special Edition SP2'. This was a major surprise as the second choice of name after pope John Paul 2.0 was Pope George Ringo for many years.

However, the entire "JPXPMESESP2" project was scrapped after a leak revealed Apple's plans for the iPope, iPope mini, Shuffle and Photo. Microsoft have now begun work on the V(atican)-Box to follow up the unsuccessful X(cruciatingly-crap)-Box. Meanwhile Sony has begun work on the Ratzinger mp3 player to compete with the iPope at a lower price, at only one arm, HALF a leg and a sperm donation. Also since the creation of the iPod Nano, Apple is now trying to create the "iPope Nano" to commemorate John Paul. Fortunately, we now know that the iPope will have more features on it than the iPope Nano. Besides having upgrades making it better than the iPope Nano, it will also use a new iTunes called Pope tunes or pTunes for short. As for the release date, it is currently unknown.

Continuity of the Papacy[edit]

Upon the Pope's death, when the Pole was invaded by his Nazi successor, his minions gather to pay their respects. After a suitable period of mourning and respect, a huge funeral pyre is kindled and the Faithful dance around the fire in a ritual known as The Stations of the Cross. When the fire dies to smoking embers, a new Pope rises from the ashes of the old.

The JP 2.0 Pope was ritually devoured by Benedict XVI in the year 2005. All their tissues were assimilated by the new Pope to create new defensive organs and a copulative appendix that will allow him to lay eggs. The Swiss guard is currently taking care of the spawn.

The current pope is Pope Pontificem of No fixed address, it is widely believed that he the college of cardinals was hoodwinked and distracted by a large balloon shaped like Oscar Wilde while the pope AKA Lakshman V. AKA Baron von Baron put on the big red hat and sat on the chair. The cardinals were stunned and were forced to declare him the new pope. This story has been vehemently denied by Pontificem and the Vatican, only leading to further speculation.

The Popemobile[edit]

The Mon Calamari Popemobile-class concept design.
“Where does he get such wonderful toys?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Batman the Pope escaping via grappling hook the Popemobile

The official Papal vehicle is an infallible heavily modified (Stolen) Mystery Machine, acquired by the Pope from Frankistan in the 1327 Treaty of Worms. In the case of an emergency, the Popemobile is capable of transforming into a TIE Fighter and a hot dogTTransformer, albeit a very very small one. If the Pope is inside whilst the transformation takes place, he will be crushed and die. Fortunately, it hasn't happened before, because it came with an ejection seat, which shoots the pope out and up 1,000 feet.

Aware of the flaws of the current Popemobile, Elvis hired renowned rebel Admiral Allah Ackbar to design a new version of the vehicle. Details about this multi-billion dollar contract are secretive, but it seems that the entire Mon Calamari population has been hired and transfered to an undisclosed location in Area 15 to study Astrology and practice yoga while on crack.

The Mon Calamari Popemobile-class will be a far more reliable spaceship than the current Popemobile, with enough shielding to withstand a direct atomic fisting hit and a portal to a pocket dimension where Popes may safely store their child pornography stash.

MTV's hit show "Pimp my ride" featured the Popemobile (aka Jokemobile) in episode AS7207506101 (Titled "Pimpin paedo priests") the episode ended in the pope being reunited with his long lost relative, Santa Claus. Santa Claus, is the only of God's children to still survive, and more favoured than Jesus by both God and small children. The Popemobile, after a "pimpover," featured spinning rims with crucifixes on them (which led to the great inverted cross scandal of '68), removed the seats and replaced them with one stool and a giant subwoofer system, the pimp my ride engineers even threw in a copy of "Extreme garage hymn sounds" which featured such hits as "In da vatican" and "Through the mitre."

The Pope's Hat[edit]

The Pope's hat of choice.

The Pope's hat is really HUGE. This is most likely because whoever designed it was mentally retarded. Some people think the hat houses a solar powered, fifty CD changer designed by Coolio and that this is how the Pope gets his daily dose of G.G. Allin. In reality, the hat merely hides the freakish alien parasite that all Popes have attached to their head after their coronation. Directly interfacing with the brain, the parasite is in complete control of the host body.

The pope is also thought to have an iGod Nano hidden inside of his hat.

Discography[edit]

Ceci n'est pas le Pape.
Current pope's band. Catollica!

The Pope has a cult-like following and has recorded some albums over the years. Although nothing more than rants on how he'd like to rule the universe, the albums still sold moderately well. (If he had toured to support the albums he would have achieved his goals of preventing anal leakage and ruling all way before now.) After his early emerge on the "Church" indie label, he later signed on at Geffen Records. After a series of high-profile media fall-outs with the label over royalties, the Pope had his contract canceled and formed his own independant label. Although more prolific, he is recognised by critics as not reaching the same transcendence as his close friend and colleague, the artist formerly known as God.

  • Trapped in a Confessional (666 B.C.)
  • Praying (And Whiskey) on Sunday (1066)
  • In Nomine (1134)
  • The Gilded Album (1456)
  • Hey, Hey, It's the pope! (1162)
  • The Pope... in a Blue Mood (1164)
  • If the Pope is Wrong, You Don't Want to Be Right (single) (1172)
  • Crusader, featuring Saxon and King Baldwin I of Jerusalem (1187)
  • Sgt. Vatican's Only March Cub Band (1966)
  • Them Featuring The Pope...Blowin' Your Mind! (1966)
  • The Pope At The Gates Of Heaven (Words and music by Syd Barret) (1967)
  • An Almost Fanatical Devotion To The Pope (1969)
  • Live!: From St. Smurfs Basilica in the Land Far Far Away (Mass for the recently deceased) (1975)
  • A Night at the Vatican (feat. Queen) (1975)
  • Sabbath Day, Bloody Sabbath Day (1976)
  • Heaven Calling (1977)
  • Cocaine on the membrane and other true stories from the Pope (Comedy album) 1979
  • Pope Zeppelin 3
  • An Evening with The Pope (1981)
  • An Audience with the Pope, featuring a duet with Cecil (1982)
  • Master Of "Pope"tts (1986)
  • Reign in Blood (1986)
  • Eternal Salvation (Is Just a Heartbeat Away) (1987)
  • The Sausage Polka and other Pork-Related Polka tunes (1988)
  • Talk About Pope Music (1989)
  • Rust In Pope (1990)
  • Urban Hymns (1996)
  • Whiskey In the Pope: A tribute to Thin Lizzy (1997)
  • Der Erste Papstkrieg: Sturm und Drang (The First Pope War: Storm and Struggle) (1998)
  • The Eternal Soul Sessions (1999)
  • A Novel Methodology to Knock Out Supermodels (2000)
  • Popein' Ain't Easy (Spoken Word) (2005)
  • The Pope, Live From Vatican Square (2005)
  • The Pope, The Lost Years 1134 - 1962 (2005)
  • Movie Soundtrack from The Pope vs. The Predator (2000)
  • Movie Soundtrack from Viva La Pope (2001)
  • God Hats Us All (2001)
  • Movie Soundtrack from Pope on a Hot Tin Roof (2002)
  • I gots a big fuckin' hat, what you got sucka'? (2003)
  • The Pope Smokes Dope (David Peel) (1972)
  • Ministry of Morality Ibiza '05 Hard Trance Beats (2005)
  • Nevermind the Bollocks, Here's The Pope (2004)
  • Dope Pope (2005)
  • The Pope's Evening With Your Mom (2002)
  • Rock Against Satan v.1 (2002)
  • Rock Against Satan v.2 (2003)
  • The Pope Unplugged: Various Noises Made While Off His Respirator (2005)
  • Pope Rock - Live At The Dock (Bootleg) 2005
  • The Pope: Truth From Under The Robe (Spoken Word) (2005)
  • Condemnation/Salvation (double-album) (2005)
  • 99 Problems but the Papacy ain't one (2006)
  • Death to all Jews (duo with Mel Gibson) (Christmas 2006 number 1)
  • Pope A (2007?)
  • Pope Leviticus the 4th (2020-2102)

Feature films[edit]

- A biographical action movie set around the life of the Pope is set to be released within one month of when you read this page. The film's title has been confirmed as Pope on a Rope, and depicts his attempt in early 2001 to militarize the Vatican in order to enact a new Crusade to France. This film will supposedly include things exploding in the Vatican City, randomly and for no purpose, a dramitization of the real life papal ninjas, and a climactic gunfight between the Pope and an unskilled character actor, which culminates in the Pope turning himself into communion wafers and flying away, a generic ability of anything Jesus-esque according to the Catholic Church.

The Pope Today[edit]

Ratzinger displays his personal Bible.

Currently, after the "death" of JP 2.0, the spirit of the Pope has taken residence in a Caucasian pineapple Robot known as Pope Ted. While Jerusalem has eaten meat since his appointment as Ruler of the Vatican, he has taken on the title of "The Dread Pope".

The Dread Pope has already made many decrees for the improvement of the universe, the first replacing the outdated and now meaningless, "Amen" with the far more appropriate, and far more tennis-like "bong".

Although the rightful ruler of his pants, the Pope's inherently gay nature has forced the "powers that be" to install a meat-sock Pope until the universe is ready to eat the almighty Dread Pope. As the true Pope, Ted is not without devout friends and followers. In the True Vatican the Pope is guarded by his 1-UP mushrooms, The Omnipotent Seven, Erik, the robot Viking, a host of Magicians, and moofoo.

In May 2006 the pope controversially said that god did not exist but defended his statement as "it was just to shut the god damn atheists up" the pope went on to say that god does exist after a lightning storm began to constantly circulate around his head.

As of July, 6 2006 there were only 2,000 counterfeit popes left in circulation. You can tell they are not the real deal by their love for the rock band, The Eagles and their overall jolliness. The counterfeit amount drastically dropped after Santa Claus' 2005 crackdown. Half of the 1,000 of the counterfeit popes captured by Claus are working as elves in his workshop, while the other half have been given a grant by the US Federal Government to start another steady flow of Kiss albums.


Recently the current pope, Emperor Benedict Palpatine , A.K.A. the Nazi pope, has announced plans to fight a title match with Darth Allah. This may well result in the end of the universe, as prophesied by the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Also, the Pope enjoy long walks on the beach and strap-on action.

Papal Collectives[edit]

"Koran? Ha! This is breakfast."

There are several leaders with the title of Pope (see also Anti-Pope). There is, however, no collective noun for popes. Curiously, though, the papal adjective "popalicious" is in the running for the most popular pope themed word ever. Delicious Popes frown on its use, however.

Selection of a New Pope[edit]

The Pope is an immortal entity, capable of chemically transmitting its memories and powers to it's progeny. He is gifted with a unique and divine form of reproduction, budding. Any given Pope may be seen wearing various size hats, although invariably this hat grows larger as the Pope approaches the end of his reign. It is underneath these hats that a new Pope festers and swells. From the cranium of the current Pope buds an amorphic clone. This Pope develops at variable rates, but come time for succession, it falls off and begins to take shape. Always has this mass chosen the shape of an elderly man, similar to the Pope. Furthermore, the new Pope devours the brain and heart of the old Pope to gain sustenance and knowledge for his ascension as the new Pope. In this manner, the Pope is an immortal being. This also explains where so many 10 ft. tall men come from.

However, if you are strong enough to defeat the ultra super mega pope in an arm wrestling match, you instantly become the new ultra super mega pope, and the previous one will vanish into thin air, never to be seen again.

In truth, the Pope is absorbed into the skin of the armwrestler-ee, who then slowly becomes obsessed with his own popeness.

Pope related Theories: Rumour has it that the Pope is made only of ice. This theory was quickly disproved when the pope was seen relaxing near a collection of lit candles. This encouraged a new theory that the Pope is made of fire: This theory has yet to be proven incorrect.

A slightly overweight lesbian described the Pope as a "Queer bashing Homophobe who likes to make love to his teddies", the Pope's emphatic response to this was published in the Wall street Journal of 1982, "Go have a shave, you butch muff diver".]]

This is actually true. The Pope then was seen to devour the lesbian, subsuming her essence into his own.

Futurepope[edit]

"Now that we spoke about the election of the pope, it's time we start bashing for the new pope" thought some people of VNV Nation, and, always eager to destabilize our community and religion, started advocating their Futurepop-e... Poor Goth kids...
Futurepope.jpg


Since everyone in the world can agree that pope benny is evil, a facebook group has been started with a new promising representative to run for popehood. Please check the link if you are interested. ( [1] )

The Pope's CV[edit]

Name: Penis Smudge Qualifiations : GCSE R.E Grade U International Diploma in Pimping Science grade A*

Awards: Lord of the rings fanclub, most avid fan Talking blocks society, award for least factuall belief system An Emmy (Anyone can win one) Best Pimp on the west side 2003, 2005 Guniness World record holder for most chainsaws ingested in one miunite at 0, and smallest penis at 2.3mm.

Interests: clubing clubing seals getting high (thats what all the smoke is out of the popehouse Pimping Taking advanage of pissed women Gang-Bangs

Employment History

1989-2003 mcdonalds Burger Fliper grade 1 1986-1989 ASDA carrier bag person 1984-1986 Premiership Footballer


Catching a Pope (live)[edit]

The most important thing to remember when hunting Pope is to bring proper equipment. Pack lightly, as they are spry, fast moving creatures and you will have to be able to keep up with them. Their favorite food is barbecue chips, so bring some of those. But don't put them in the same bag as the 12 year old children. Your prey will want them unspoiled and horny for "private Bible study". Also, be sure you have your Mouse Trap game, because if he gets caught by that, he deserves whatever you give to him.

Super-Pope?[edit]

There have been rumours surfacing recently, that the Pope, or Super-Pope, as he is known in some circles, has the ability to fly. This subject has caused much tension between both Catholics and the Super-Pope Fanclub. Though this subject has never been officially confirmed or denied, it is widely believed that Super-Pope flies due purely to the magic staff that he carries when in the Vatican. He, supposedly, shouts 'Pope Away', and is often seen by local Italian Hillbillyieos (Italian Hillbillies) flying though the night sky.

It was once rumoured that he would shout 'Pot Pourri', but this phrase has little to do with the Flight of the Pope (also a movie in pre-production) and more to do with the Pope's deodorant. This quote of 'Pot Pourri', was often questioned by the residents of the Vatican, until (again, allegedly) one of the Cardinals explained that Pot Pourri, is essentailly like buggery, just more Super-Pope orientated. Though this is widely doubted. The identity of Super-Pope was recently confirmed to be Pope Dean Kilpatrickus (The Truth Be Told!)

Pope Palpatine displays his unlimited power in front of a crowd at the Vatican.

Ironic Pope[edit]

An official papal title used by the sect of Cheesecakeism founded by Bernard Joseph Quill early in the sixth year of the second millenium. Using the mystical ancient writings of the Messianic Chef, known only as The Baker he established set up a genealogy of Popes, titled Ironic Pope's or -IPOPEs- to rule over the Cheesecake Empire. According to page 5636 of the Manifesto of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc, a pope is "all blessed individuals who, have been honoured with ascendancy, along every single man, woman, and child on this Earth who await their chance." The first officially honoured -IPOPE- of the Church, was Quill, whom granted himself the title of Primordial -IPOPE- Alpha Prime on the 2nd of February 2006. Following his ascendancy, a massive spew of officiated Popes have followed, each with varying degrees of importance and honour, displayed in their -IPOPE- title's.

In actual fact the Ironic Pope's of the Cheesecake Religion have no officiated power as such. The title of Pope is merely an honorary one, bestowed upon any individual whom has performed some great task in service of the Church, or for Cake lovers anywhere. To receive the title of Pope or the official spelling -IPOPE-, one does not necessary have no be a part of the Church, although it is generally the case.

While having no genuine powers over the direction, or politics of the Church, the Ironic Pope's are blessed with varying degrees of diverse honorary powers. These such powers ere not necessarily enumerated in the Manifesto, although we are given some idea from a note in Chapter V Section II verse 8, where it is stated that "An -IPOPE- is someone who is not under the authority of the authorities." Some Cheesecakeians have also taken it upon themselves to further elaborate upon the powers of an -IPOPE-. On the back of some printings of the "Manifesto of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc", the following message can be found:

"The rights of an -IPOPE- include but are not necessarily limited to:

  1. To invoke infallibility at any time, including retroactively.
  2. To completely rework the Hestia church.
  3. To baptise, bury, and marry (with the permission of the deceased in the latter two cases).
  4. To ex-communicate, de-ex-communicate, re-ex-communicate, and de-re-ex-communicate (no backsies!) both his-/her-/it-/them-/your-/our-/His-/Her-/It-/Them-/Your-/Our-self/selves and others (if any).
  5. To perform all rites and functions deemed inappropriate for a Pope of Cheesecakia."

The third right (requiring permission from the deceased in cases of burying or marriage, but not baptism) may be an ancient pre-reference to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints practice of baptism for the dead.

This understanding of the notion of -IPOPE- has far reaching consequences in Cheesecakeism. For example, the introduction to The Divine Cookbook says, "Only an Ironic Pope may canonize a Saint. ‘’So you can ordain yourself & anyone or anything else a Saint." The last enumerated right of an Ironic Pope may be an allusion to the necessary and proper clause.’’


Byronic Pope[edit]

The Byronic Pope is a personality personified in the ever popular poem Pope Walks in Beauty. The Byronic Pope is described as being/having

  • conflicting emotions, bisexual tendencies, or moodiness
  • self-critical and introspective
  • struggles with integrity
  • a distaste for social institutions and social norms being an exile, an outcast, or an outlaw
  • has "dark" attributes not normally associated with Jesus
  • struggle with sexual identity (homosexual, sleeps with many women, etc.)
  • a lack of respect for rank and privilege
  • a troubled past
  • being cynical, demanding, and/or arrogant
  • often self-destructive
  • loner, often rejected from society




This just in!!

The pope is actually a stupid, old man, with a ugly hat... And yet he's smart enough to control the even stupider catholic herds.


Why you are going to Hell[edit]

A statement from the Office of the Pope

Well, for starers, you're all going to hell, so quit your whining. What, was this really a suprise to you? But what you should be asking is why are you going to hell! That's an excellent question and I'd be happy to answer it. First of all, you're using a computer, which is the tool of the devil. (Matthew, 8:24) Secondly, becuase you even went to this site and even wrote the word "Pope", you are obviously drunk or stoned. God! Everyone knows that the massie stores of inernet porn and alcohol are only for the pious! (Namley the Pope) I'm tired of waiting in line at the liquor store! So that that friggin Jesus off of your heathen neck and get the hell out of my religon! Go!

Pope- The other white meat

Pope Eggs[edit]

Yeah, Thats Right, Bitch! I'm An Ostrich Emu!
Prior to Pope Benedict XVI, it was unknown that popes are actually capable of laying eggs. The Catholic church denies it fervently, but the truth is out there. Pope Benedict XVI, may be an ostrich emu. It is also commonly known that ostriches emus lay eggs and huffed kittens. But this picture, taken by a secret photographer, clearly shows how ostriches emus are not good mothers.
Eggs Benedict.

Footnotes[edit]

  1. nota male: not the beast – that would be totally misleading!

This is a foot note. Its eating ur foot right now. Pope Benedict would approve.

See also[edit]

The World of the Pope
The One Pope Pontificem
Poppparazzi Pope · Poop · Popess · Papal Greetings · Pope mobile · Papal Ritual · The Vatican · St. Peter's Basilica · Prophecy Of The Popes
Them Foreigners Pope of Finland · Pope of East Tennessee · Pope of Greenwich Village
Them Big Uglies Anti-Pope · Mecha-Pope · Zombie Pope · The Space Pope · Panzer Pope · Super Pope · Pope of the Ring · Grand Pope Tarkin · Pope Gregory the Great · Darth Pope · Cyberpope · Dublin Drunken Popes · New Orleans Saints · George W. Bush
Them Popes Pope Peter · Pope Benedict I · Pope Benedict XX · Pope Linus · Pope Anacletus · Pope Pontificem · Pope Maximus Airmilus · Pope Sixtus IV · Pope Snookielumps XXV · Pope Innocent III · Pope George Ringo I · Pope Sevunus · Pope urban VIII · Pope Pius IX · Pope Lil John · Pope Leo X · Pope Caroline III
Them Johnies Pope John Paul 1.0 · Pope John Paul 2.0 · Pope John Paul 2.1 · Pope John Paul III
Them NOT Popes The Church · Priest · Cardinal · Bishop · Doctor of the Church · Bosom of the Church · Monk · Bishop · Bishop of East Anglia · Bishop of West Anglia · Jesus · You · Me · That Guy · You Know Who · Four Neon Virtues
...and the Papas of All Evil The Church Hierarchy, Religious relic trading and The Vatican Marketing Department
Good Small.png Nominated Article
This article has been nominated for highlighting on the front page—you can vote for it or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH. Please see this article's entry.