Pope Fuck (1284 - 1979), born Oblediah Magnifist, was reigning Pontiff of the Catholic Church from 2.30pm until 7.15pm on 18th January 1412, and again from 1584 to 1952 (the so-called Reign of Ambivalence, recently voted "Okayest Papal Reign in History" by Papal Appraisal magazine). Pope Fuck is chiefly remembered for establishing the Catholic tradition of Hyper-Violent Wednesday, and for promoting the doctrine of compulsory self-immolation in cases of masturabation. His motto was "Convertus e liquidatum" ("Convert or be liquidated").
Magnifist was born in Germany and Isle of Wight to Bobe Dole bullfighting Mussolini bullfighting a bull in 1284 and became Pope later that day after soiling himself in a church. He invented Catholicism as a joke after his friend Superted challenged him to think up something stupider than boxercise. Perceiving the innapropriateness of a Pope less than a day old, he became 80 years old immediately.
Cannons filled with Protestants
Pope Fuck attracted controversy in 1867 when he filled cannons with Protestants and fired them at a Cardinal who disagreed with His Grace's theory that Panthero was the most powerful Thundercat. The Protestant Council of America - at that time a single sausage in a sock - protested (as Protestants do) and staged a boycott of Pope Fuck's popular chain of strip clubs. Feeling financial pressure after this move, Pope Fuck destroyed the Solar System with a Papal Decree and relocated to the Alcatraz Nebula. so then later on that day appeared a man by the name Mmuzi...he aslo became the second pope
Pope Fuck claimed he took his name after experiencing a vision in which Saint Peter appeared to him, naked and smoking cigars made of babies' hair, and told him to become the first Pope Fuck. However, the prominent robot Cardinal Josef Theremin claimed that he had overheard the vision whilst in the next room shaving his legs, and that St Peter had actually instructed Magnifist to take the name Pope Delightful.
Cardinal Theremin suggested that the confusion may have arisen because Pope Fuck had been reading Ecclesiastical Pornography shortly before the vision. His Holiness has never responded publicly to the claims.
Pope Fuck caused much outrage during his reign for his extravagant behaviour, which included going surfing on a sea of dollar bills while wearing a gold hat. He repsonded to his critics with the famous maxim, "The very soul of Catholicism is bling."
Beef with Mark Morrison
His Holiness began a long running feud with Mark Morrison in -700AD when Morrison accused Pope Fuck of raggin' on his bitches. The Pope recorded a dis track in which he described Morrison as "a man the shape of a dong" and suggested that he could not "afford to buy a pork pie." Morrison committed suicide shortly after in suspicious circumstances. (See Morrisongate.)
War With Ethiopia
In the late 1980's, people in Europe and America were beginning to turn away from the Catholic Church because it was not "hip". They found the Satanic Church much more suitable, as it offered "Bingo Night" to senior citizens, daycare services (Love and Giggles Daycare, Ashborough, North Carolina), and handed out applesauce to the poor and homeless. In a move to make the church more accessible to the 1980's youth, a revived Fuck sponsored the Vatican Peace Festival, an event featuring Quiet Riot, Whitney Houston, Metallica, and headlining the event, Paula Abdul and Bob Marley's exhumed corpse. In order to exhume the corpse and enlarge their African-American and black following, the church would have to sponsor a crusade into Ethiopia.
On March 15th, 1988, Pope Fuck's personal Eclipse-class stardestroyer landed on Ethiopian soil and began deploying AT-AT's. The leading Rastafarian warlord, Afro Ken, condemned the action by jumping on desk of the Vatican representative in the U.N. headquarters, and shit on it. He then shoved yams up his ass, performed a duet of the "Mummies Alive" theme song with Vince Neil of Motley Crue, and declared war on the Vatican. Jon Wilkes Boothe, who had infiltrated the meeting dressed as Jesus, prompty jumped out of his chair and shot Afro Ken. The crusade was over, although in a shoddy attempt to regain lost territory, the Ethiopain Royal Airforce (a single biplane and three hangliders) assaulted the command center of Pope Fuck and destroyed it with a carrot-bomb.
Bob Marley's corpse was devoured an hour before the pope arrived by hungry Ethiopains. Since there were thousands of angry Africans in the Vatican waiting for Marley at that very moment, Pope Fuck had to make an emergency decisions, say to hell with it, and gas the entire city and the unsuspecting Africans, killing all Vatican personnel in the process. He was determined to return with a corpse, so he exhumed Haile Selassie's instead and returned to the abandoned city on March 16th. He would stay on as Pope until August 27th, 1994.
Pope Fuck met his sad demise when, whilst dining with Cardinal Spotty in Rainbow Cafe and discussing the properties of His Holiness' new "Protestant Liquifier" device, or XPF, the Archbishop of Venus(see: Chuck Norris) entered and blasted Pope Fuck into the mouth of an innocent bystander named Dave (later to become Pope Dave VIIZ).
After the Revival
With a successful crusade, Pope's last years were peaceful. He got laid for the first time in 1989. He said at the time, "I'd been trying to hit that shit since 1492!". She was indeed Queen Isabella of Spain. He was involved in a threesome with herself and Christopher Columbus.
In 1991, he predicted that Osama bin Laden would succeed as Digital Watch Salesman of the Year, and as a showing of respect, he invited to Ramzi Yousef(bomber of the WTC in '93) , and bin Laden to go see Ratt in concert in May of 1991 on their final "Detonator" world tour with him. Fuck was a fan of Michael Schenker, who recently replaced Robbin Crosby in the band after an incident at the Tokyo Sun Plaza.
In 1992, Pope Fuck endorsed Crystal Pepsi. It was he who put up the $413 million the company lost in its '92-'93 marketing push for the failed soft drink, hailed by Time Magazine as the biggest failed product-advertisment campaign of the 1990's, as the soft drink completely bombed. He also selected te campaign theme song, Van Halen's mega-hit, "Right Now". It is rumored the millions were collected through a 1991 Vatican campaign entitled, "Help the Shanty Towns", in which the Vatican was to use donated money to help promote uneducated shanty town villagers into positions of power, like President of the United States, which is how George Bush got the job.
In 1993, as a last attempt to do a good deed, Pope Fuck decreed that all rapists in the country of Italy should be a given a second chance. He proposed they be put into educational facilities, such as colleges, elemntary schools, etc. When Italy's King Emmanuel IV refused, Pope Fuck shit on his face and did it anyway. Unsurprisingly, child-abstinence numbers plummeted after the passing of this bill.
Declaration of New Pope
Forseeing his impending death in two months, Fuck named a local Ohio math teacher, Gaitha Turner, as new Pope on June 27th, 1994. Her reign was to begin the day after his death. She is mostfamous for almost destroying the Catholic Church her incompetent policies. She became the first female pope to have male genetalia, and took the name Pope Gaitha, or Gaitha G.
It is believed that the Pope was forced to crown Gaitha not only because she bore his child. In 1984, Pope Fuck traveled to the Middle East to meet with Saddam Hussein to converse about how to acquire a gold-plated toilet from Hussein. However, when the pope arrived in Baghdad, his Oscar-Meyer Weiner Mobile (the official automobile of the vatican) was captured by a group of mysterious country transvestite whores. The Pope was taken to a basement where he was held hostage by the United Middle Eastern Math Corps., a group of nomadic desert muslim math-teaching terrorists. At 12 noon on March 13th, the Pope was placed in front of a camera in the basement and broadcast around the world. The terrorists shoved a dildo filled w/ cream cheese in his mouth and squirted the contents all over his face. Then they made him denounce god by forcing him to yell "I LOVE SATAN'S PENIS!" twenty times. Then they bent his ass over, whipped him, sodomized him, crammed cherry pie in his asshole while listening to the Warrant song of the same name, and then promptly shut off the camera.
He later stated in 1986 while incarcerated, he met a strange woman named G.T. She wore a berret and stood in the shadows to hide her identity. She was adamant he give her oral sex. He refused, and she forced him to do so anyway. Afterward, she demanded he host a math convention in the Vatican in 1993. He agreed to do so, as well as to let G.T. choose his next heir, and was promptly released.
It is believed that Turner was G.T. In the late 1980's, she was the frontwoman for Turner/Trump, a massive 80's glam-metal outfit that sold millions of albums (bassist was Donald Trump). It is believed that before her band disentigrated in the aftermath of early 90's grunge, she channeled almost $16 million into the UMEMC's bank accounts, becoming a senior official in the process.
She went to this convention as Gaitha Turner, had sex with the pope, and bore his child, thus forcing him to crown her the next pope. Their child was the La Chupacabra, and forced the invasion of Puerto Rico in January of 1994.
War With Puerto Rico
The Pope's child was the La Chupacabra. It was a hideous beast, and the still-mysterious G.T. ordered the beast set loose in Puerto Rico. On September 12, 1993, the Pope's Weiner Mobile set sail across the Atlantic and dicorged the beast on the island. But people began to ask questions, and G.T. forced him to invade Puerto Rico and kill the beast.
Fuck ordered his army of twelve thousand smirfs to rape and pillage the island for as he put it,"No reason,no reason at all...no evil flesh-eating beast to capture, that's for sure...I like tits." However, the smirf's beach-landing was foiled. They were too small to wade through the water, and all twelve thousand drowned.
So Pope Fuck decided to kill La Chupacabra himself. He landed on the island with 30,000 storm troopers in the USS Enterprise (he sold his star destroyer for some really good porn and a box of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood DVD's). He dawned Boba Fett's armor and randomly assaulted the town of Pissshit Vaginawhore, just hoping to randomly meet his child there. When this did not occur, he stormed into the local bar and called a customer a "nigger", and then threatened to blow "ALL THE CAFFERS IN THIS BAR TO HELL!". At the last second, he was disarmed by a chinese whore dressed as Nancy Grace who was trying to force her viewers in the bar to commit suicide just like her idol the real Nancy Grace in 2007. She beat and raped Fuck w/ a rather large and pointy candy cane. Fuck's raid was over
He returned to the Enterprise, where he was surprised to see G.T.'s armies of math-teaching terrorists assaulting the Enterprise, while the Puerto Rican army sold them both large amounts of narcotics. She revealed she was Gaitha Turner and he was a dumbass, she was going to take over the church and the use it to fund math. She then demanded more oral sex, he obliged, and the deal was done.
Fuck ordered Grand Moff Tarkin to use the Death Star to destroy Puerto Rico, but the laser missed and hit the sun, causing a huge catastrophe. Nevertheless, the Pope personally fired the laser again, hitting and destroying the entire Carribean, as well as toasting off his pubic hair.
Pope Fuck was killed for the second time on August 27th, 1994. he stabbed in the middle of Jane's Addictions's set at the 1994 Lollapalooza festival. He was blasted into space, and will return in 1983 to rule again.
- Catholic Military Theory vol 2 issue 3, p.76
- Mein Kampf, Chapter III, 'Men I Admire'