Porcupine
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Porcupines were first introduced into Earth from Mars in 1419. Since then, their numbers have thrived from just two who were introduced as a Martian breeding program, to an estimated 6363266366262633.9. Some people disagree, however, saying that the guy who counted them lost count half way through and just took a rough guess by throwing some uno cards at a wall and seeing which ones stuck. During the Jurassic period, however, there was a species of porcupine who were much more intelligent, faster, more prolific breeders, greater hunters, and better than humans today. For some reason, however, they nearly died out. I heard it was guilt, or maybe they just got bored. Instead, they managed to come back in a new form as Concubines
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[edit] Characteristics of the porcupine
“Let me tell you about a porcupine's balls....they're small and they don't give a SHIT!!”
~ Tourettes Guy on Porcupines
Porcupines have huge porcuspines on their backs. They use these to ward of predators, but some think they use them as a cheap equivalent for vegetarian kebab sticks. This may not be true, however, as porcupines live on a strictly carnivorous diet. They have eyeswhich the porcupine usually use to 'look' through. The origins of this theory are unknown. It uses its mouth to communicate during hunting and sometimes for eating. The porcupine has no ears, meaning that it can't hear the communication calls, which, may I add, are very loud, so the communication calls actually alert the prey that the porcupines are coming, who run away, and the porcupines starve. (some die, others just become dead) So usually porcupines just eat their prey alive when nobody is watching, or eat each other, either one suits them. The have no shame. The porcupine is officially the most metal animal ever to exist.
[edit] Eating habits
The porcupine has a strictly carnivorous diet. But you already knew that. It's up there, under 'characteristics of the porcupine', see? Got it? Good, read on. The porcupine has a strictly carnivorous diet. (See above) Porcupines usually eat lions, dogs, nuclear weapons and the odd red river hog, although there have been reports from Estonia that a porcupine escaped from a zoo, and Pwn3D!!!1!!111! an unsuspecting zoo keeper, mayherestinpeace, and ate him all up, showing that one day porcupines may turn on humans more often, maybe forever. That means that nobody is safe. The porcupines are here to get us. We can't escape. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES. Porcupines are allergic to gluten products, which means finding food in the wild is pretty hard for them.
[edit] Language
Porcupines have two languages: snuffle; used only by western european porcupines, And grunt; used by the rest of 'em. Snuffle is thought of as a slightly 'camp' language and grunt is thought of as big and 'ard. Grr.
Snuffle is comprised of the following sounds:
Snuffle - 'Let us go eat boys' Snuff snuff - 'Get of my man you BITCH' Snuffly woowoo - 'What is that up my a***?' snuff wuff - 'I am thirsty, want to go for a drink with me?'
Grunt language is made up of these sounds:
Grunt - 'I am hard, I am bigger than you, you are going to get some food for me, or I shall eat you.' Grunt grunt - 'I wish to mate with this female porcupine so I can carry on my blood line. Please move aside if you don't want your head shoved up your anus.' Grunt SNORT - 'I wish to challenge you to a duel. Whoever wins gets to eat the loser.' GRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNTTTTTTTT - 'Hello.'
Both languages are comprised of only the phrases nescessary for everyday porcupine life.
[edit] Famous porcupines
There are many famous porcupines in history, but history teachers don't like to talk about it in case they get eaten like the Estonian zoo keeper, may he rest in peace. Many of the famous historical humans you know well were actually porcupines in giant, human, robotic suits. They were very clever, so they could make them themselves. They even invented robots before they were invented, now that's clever. Read on.
Einstein
Einstein, one of, if not THE most famous people in the world, was a porcupine. Don't believe me? Ask your dad, if he's old enough. He is? hahahahahahaha rofl n00b. Einstein didn't come up with 'e=mc2' the porcupine professor, porcustein did.
Jesus
You guessed it, Jesus was a porcupine. That explains how he got out of the tomb alive, doesn't it? No? Fu.
Kurt Cobain
Disappointed at his unfulfilled life as a multi-platinum selling artist, human Kurt Cobain sold his body to the porcupines, who couldn't cope with the amount of cocaine in his body, and gave up. Jeez, the rock star vibe sure does rub off dunnit?
Bill Cosby
All before his major career in just about every freakin' think on this planet, he actually was able to take up every freakin' occupation on Mars. Surprisingly, the most common job on Mars is to be a Porcupine. Then in the 1400's, when all porcupines were transported to Earth, Bill was sucked over along with them.
27% of people named Drew
This is caused by sunspots reflecting off your ceiling. Seriously, just look up and you can see them.
