Porpoise Horror

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Look cute don't they? But don't step on their fins or they'll destroy your civilization!

The Porpoise Horror, also known as the Desecration of the Grand Porpoise, occurred in 8913 BC, and led to the fall of Atlantis. The fall of Atlantis was recorded by Idiocrates in the Dialogues of Pthetik and Retartus. It is mostly his account which we follow in this article, and not that of the upstart Plato.

The Beginning[edit]

For nearly two centuries before the Porpoise Horror the people of Atlantis had been the vassals of the Grand Porpoise. This emperor of the aquasphere, this cetacean sovereign of the seas, this King of Flukes, had long exacted tribute from the Atlanteans in return for guaranteeing their beer-ships safe passage between the island nation and Germany. As there was no naturally occurring supply of beer on Atlantis, the people of the island relied on these beer-ships for their very survival.

Then one summer day an Atlantean priest named Buthdid Akthel set off for the seashore with a load of tribute for the Grand Porpoise: a basketful of garlic-smoked herring. The Great One himself waited beside the dock, as he had at that moment a terrific hankering for herring. But Buthdid was shaky on his feet at the best of times, and just as he stepped onto the dock his foot landed on a discarded squid. He fell...and dropped the basket of herring on the Grand Porpoise's tail.

The falling basket glanced off the porpoise's flukes and caused only slight irritation and minor bruising, but the fact remained: the Royal Mammal's intimate personage had received harm. Enraged, the porpoise guards accompanying the Grand Porpoise pulled Buthdid Akthel into the water and -- in a scene too gruesome to describe -- destroyed him utterly.

Porpoises swimming in water dyed red with human blood. This is the favorite pastime of these deadly killers. Not so cute now, eh?

All-Out War[edit]

But the honor of the Grand Porpoise was not assuaged by the killing of a single Atlantean. He swam off in a fury, determined to exact a horrible revenge.

And so the porpoise army was ordered to wipe out the Atlantian civilization to the last man. And woman. And hermaphrodite. (Also, Admiral Squeesquee-KLIK-KLIK-KLIK, the commanding officer of the porpoise army, had to kiss the Grand Porpoise's boo-boo to make it feel better.) Then the porpoises dug away the submarine foundations of the island of Atlantis and, when it sank into the water, destroyed all its inhabitants in an orgy of violence. Once again, this was a scene too gruesome to describe.

Being insane perfectionists, the porpoise army also documented the slaughter of the Atlanteans in real time and saved the files for later upload to YouTube.

Remains of Atlantis[edit]

To this day the remains of Atlantis lay toppled amongst the undersea hot springs, giant tubeworms, salacious mollusks, and orthodontically-challenged viperfish of the deep Atlantic. Only the porpoises know where the bones lie...and they ain't talking. At least not to humans.