Portal:Art

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Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Art portal.

This is by far the most artistic portal you will ever find.


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Art is generally considered purely a middle/upper class pursuit. However, some examples have practical applications, meaning that they can also be enjoyed by the working classes.


Art is the expression of stupidity or lack of imagination. The word art comes from the Germanic word arsch, which, loosely translated, means "arrrgh"[1].

Art is commonly understood as the act of making things that look like nothing much and which have no meaning beyond simple description. While art is often indistinguishable from mockery and pointless hobby activities, this boundary can at times be hard to define, as if anyone cares. The term creative arts denotes a collection of disciplines whose principal purpose is the output of material for the viewer or audience to ignore.

As such, art may be taken to include forms ranging from literary forms (posing as a writer or a poet); performance-based forms (a big song and dance over meagre grants; drama about how your genius is not appreciated); visual and "spastic arts" (panting, rupture, pornography); to forms that also have a dysfunctional role, such as pipefitting and pancake design. Art may also be understood as relating to lost creativity, missed æsthetics and the generation of pointless or disturbing emotion that honestly no one cares about.

  1. Interestingly, the modern German word for art is kunst, an anagram of a descriptive term commonly applied to artists.
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Featured Artistic Art Article

Tracy Emin: "Spunk on a bed? Shoulda spunked on a canvas luv! Aha!"-Sid James

Tracey Emin (or Ermine, the incongruence splits my sides) is a supposed artist, her art being the remnants of a bizarre and perverse life. Her negligible artistry and vile, slack-jawed London accent do nothing to relieve the tedium that is her face. Many are the times that Tracey, laying immobile, has been swept up by roadsweepers mistaking her for a dead badger. Her art - if it must be called such - is "situationalist", which basically means she can't draw or paint. Or write poetry.

Her personality has been compared less favourably to the bit in Jaws where Quint drags his fingernails down the blackboard, and her seminal work - a skanky, cum-laden, whinnet-ridden bed - was exhibited for almost three hours at the Tate Gallery before curators had to spray visitors with industrial strength DDT and Agent Orange lest they catch something such as CHLAMYDIA (shudder). Sadly the incident became infamous as causing the largest mass outbreak of HIV ever in London, according to official records. She also has the despicable affliction of compulsively shoving her cack-laden fingers up her nose in coarse fashion, mistaking it for a gesture of absolute sexiness. Which in her case, looking like an anally extensive weasel with a gherkin up its vagina is obviously not possible.

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Come across a decent article on art? Well, make sure you wipe it clean, pervert. Then submit it for promotion.
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Art news on Uncyclopedia

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This Week's Featured Image

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Ah, Salvador Dali - the artist most loved by students, hippies and other consumers of psychoactive substances. Transformed into low-quality, low-cost posters, no other artist has sold anything like the millions of prints sold by Dali. Few have sold themselves as Dali did, making himself a millionaire many times over - no starving in a garret for Dali, and his ears remained as respendant as his famous moustache. But what about the man behind the myth - if indeed, the two are distinguishable? The Temptation of St. Anthony (also known as Fucking hell man, that's some trippy shit), is one of his best-known pieces but Picasso remained unconvinced of its true worth. "People go on about how Dali was some sort of great artist," he said prior to his death, "But I remember when he painted that one. Him and his missus came round to my house one evening with this mushroom quiche they'd made out of mushrooms picked in local woods and, well, the greedy bastard scoffed the lot. Then he smoked my stash. Next thing you know he was babbling on about elephants on stilts and a load of crap like that. He grabbed my paints off the shelf and knocked it out in minutes - took no care at all. Ruined my new brushes, the bastard. I'd only bought them that same day." Picasso and Dali never spoke again - but Dali didn't care. He was on his way to Hollywood; and anyway, he had the munchies and was more concerned with locating a packet of Pringles.

Found or made an arty bit of art? Submit it and it could appear in this section.
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Selected biography

Rolf Harris has long been forced to disguise his unnaturally long penis.

Rolf Harris was born in a swimming pool in Australia (though it was rumoured he was actually born in a kangaroo's pouch, hence his nickname "Rolfaroo"). Some say he was sent by Satan to rule the world (and KFC for that matter). He was initially christened Jake Peg, (adding "the" later on as an adult) and became a three-legged waltz champion, but his distant cousin Colonel Sanders, (himself a look-a-like of Rolf), was infuriated with this as it was scary for children seeing a picture of Rolf on several KFC advertisments. He paid for his extra leg to be removed and it was then used, in theory, for the 2nd line of the Swastika on the Nazi flag. All together now! Swastika on the Nazi flag....

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Further reading

Below is a list of some other stuff vaguely connected to art:

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Art Quote

Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic

~ Ambrose Bierce


Got a funny quote that's vaguely related to art? Submit it.
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Did you know...

  • ...that H.R. Giger invented the cuckoo clock?
  • ...that the Mona Lisa is only 2mm x 3mm?
  • ...95% of all Dutch School paintings are owned by private working class collectors?
  • ...that you can add to the pool of our knowledge here?
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Articles of utmost artistic value

Art | Photography | Poetry | First Gradeism | ASCII art | Bad Art | Surrealism | Dance | Historic Anime Movements | Music | Photoshop® | Latte art | Snow Sculptures | Look, It's Art | Graffiti | Fascism (Artistic Movement) | Literature | Artistic licence | Avant-Garde | HowTo:Draw Female Breasts | Abstract expressionism | Baby Impressionism | Bauhaus | Conceptual Art | Architecture | Arrant-gard | Art History | Cat art |

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What You Can Do To Help

  • Find a remarkable article about art, artists, or Art, and suggest it for promotion
  • Help these arty articles. Some will be healed by a simple spell check, others need something a little more drastic
  • Add sombre, boring or otherwise artistic quotes here
  • Found or made an image that'd look nice as a feature? Submit it here
  • Be as artistic as you possibly can
  • Steal a Rembrandt from somewhere and donate it to us


Art Movements
Renaissance · Realism · Impressionism
Abstract · Abstract expressionism · Dada · Pop art · Futurism · Surrealism · Minimalism · Post-Modernism · Look, It's Art · Conceptual Art · Latteism · Photorealism · First Gradeism · Graffitism · Still life · Artistic License · Art That Looks Like Nothing · Bad Art