Poser list 2: red, white, and blonde
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Disclaimer: It's been two years. Two long years since the existence of...THE POSER LIST!
A poser is an anomaly and an amalgamation of all things horrible in the world. The most common posers in this day and age is the wigger. A wigger is a white man who walks around with his chain hung low and a doo rag he bought at a designer clothing store.
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[edit] History of the Poser
The history of the poser is a complicated one. In the 18th century the poser was a hermaphrodite masquerading as a physician who wields a magic blade. The hermaphrodite, (or he-she in scientific terms) would not in fact be a physician but pretend. This led to an extreme hate for people who pretend to be something that they are in no way related to at all, not even by a longshot. A list was formed. This list listed every poser in the world so people could flog, hang, beat, rape, murder, eviscerate, dismember, burn, pillage, defecate on, desecrate, annihilate, obliterate, skin, decapitate, claw at, bite, stab, shoot, tickle, or angrily berate any of these condemned abominations of humanity.
The list is as follow:
[edit] The Divine List of Posers
-12. Your ugly face!!!!
-11. Uglys girls!!!!
-10. Trannys!
-9. Flat chested girls! (teenyboppers)
-8. Faggots!
-7. kool aid jammers
-6. Guys who say supermodels aren't hot!
-5. Guys who say they don't watch porn.
-4. Asians you act black
-3. Mormons
-2. Beaners!
-1. Your Mother! Just generally a slag!
1. Fredrick Durst of Limp Bizkit.
2. HIM.
3. People who talk in l33t speak or online speak as normal talk rather than for humorous reasons.
4. John Cena
5. Slipknot
6. Emo kids -- who aren't emotional, also emo kids who are emotional.
7. Backstreet Boys (Not N*Sync...but then again...number 8 is...)
8. N*Sync
9. hawethorn heights --Actually it's the person who typed Hawthorne Heights and couldn't even spell it right. -- No, actually, it's you, the one who defends that crap band. =D
10. KoRn (Big Time Poseurs)
11. All nu metal (a.k.a. gay shit) bands
12. Anyone with dyed black hair and a name like "Raven."
13. A guy who calls Slayer gay.
14. 50 Cent
15. 50 Cent (you're not seeing double... he deserves two places in this list for what he did to rap)
16. Manele singers
17. An asshole that listens to metal on his cell phone without his headphones in the bus - (So cover your ears or something and quit whining!)
18. You -- as in the person who typed this
19. Those who don't get drunk at parties.
20. Chuck Norris...just kidding, Chuck Norris is actually the supreme chancellor of all things tr00.
21. Oli Sykes
22. Trivium
23. Lenny Kravitz
24. White guys in love with weird chicks - (and black guys doing the same)
25. Kevin Federline
26. Kids who think they're cool by having tattoos and talking like an ex-con.
27. People who wear banana hammocks but have no reason to.
28. Lil Jon
29. FIFA players
30. NFS players
31. Madonna
32. Guillermo Munoz of El Paso,Tx
33. solja boy
34. Metallica (the new one)
35. Escape The Fate (They use their Metalhead Shirts as A defence when They're Sorrounded by Metalheads)(i swear NO ONE!! goes around bagging escape the fate. they are the best band in the world and are definately NOT poers...)(They most definitely are fucking posers)
36. Emmure
37. Lady Gaga
37. Britney Spears
38. YOU! --again refering to the person who typed this
39. Jonas Brothers (NSYNC, the next generation) - and any other band advertised in teen girl fan magazines
40. Edward Cullen - sparkly vampire who doesn't eat people.
41.Jackie wilson-Poser punk
42. the Axl Rose's band (not GN'R - completely different bands)
43. Axl Rose
[edit] Signs of the Poser
There are several signs that can help you tell who is a poser.
One such sign is seeing white male talking in African American slang.
The next is the upper class teenager in all black with Hitler hair and mascara eyes, with a razor blade.
Another important sign is the gesture. Most posers, even if they are not associated with metal, though most posers are, will use The Gesture of the Pose. This gesture looks like this: |m|_. It looks like a metal horns symbol but look at the underscore; the underscore indicates the thumb sticking out. This, my friends, is wrong. True metal fans, like myself will know this.
[edit] Hierarchy of the Pose
A hierarchy comes into play with posers. Like every other form of (un)civilized society, a government or, at the very least, caste system is needed. Some forms of poser are much more prevalent.
[edit] Fake Metalheads
(Aka "Metal n00bs") "Metal" heads are the next group. This group isn't severely annoying but they push the envelope more than that of the emos. These idiots tend to enter any group of unsuspecting music listeners, be it poser or not, and inquire about the music. No matter what band it is, it is never heavy enough and these guys will whip out some Dragonforce and consider it mind-blowingly fast and heavy. Then they will say "that's real metal" even if they had just deemed something like Celtic Frost, "unmetal" and walk away. These posers are normally rare, and are hardly ever any older than 8th grade. Eventually the decision is to be made whether these people are to be converted to true metalheads or drop into the Screamos.
[edit] Nu-Metalheads
Same as above, except this breed likes bands such as KoRn and Limp Bizkit.
[edit] Fake Rockers
The next group is fairly unknown. They are called the Fake Rockers. They are pretty much tied with "Metal" Heads and do the same thing but with rock instead, deeming classic rock obsolete and KoRn is better than Zeppelin. Yeah, you heard me; there are actually dumbshits out there who think KoRn is better than Zeppelin. This group is basically the only subculture that constitutes the fan base of shitty commercial "modern rock" such as Nickelback and Hinder, and make mindless attacks on rap and pop music frequently.
[edit] Wiggers
Wiggers, as stated earlier, are white guys that choose to act black. Normally they wear Sean John or Ed Hardy or some other brand of expensive clothing to mimic the super rich rappers. The evil behind them that makes them this annoying is that they consider rock to be terrible. They hate all forms of music that isn't rap; and worse yet, they only listen to really shitty rap. The worst part is they also have expensive cars that their rich parents bought them though the wigger claims to be "ghetto" and "street." They drive around in their cars with the stereo's bass cranked up all the way, generally posing a threat to other drivers. In all honesty, they disgust me, not only for the horrible music, and expensive everything, but they also speak in completely incoherent statements filled with lines Soulja Boy would have to think about.
- Note: as not all wiggers have rich parents, some can't afford expensive cars. What do you get when you add a wigger to a Honda Civic? Ricer.
[edit] Guidos
Do we really need to say more? For a more precise definition you will be well informed upon a visit to the Jersey Shore.
[edit] Preps
Preppy People. We all know these people. Frosted tips. Colored shirts. White teeth. Fake smile. Umm...gay?
[edit] skaters
Ok if you haven't seen this you are blind. This is by far the most common poser their is.Anyone who cliams they skate but can only do a few tricks is a poser. Please note that if they say they skate just to skate thats not to bad also skating to get from point a to piont b doesn't count either.If they dress and act like a punk (which means being a total dick)then you have a poser. If they say classic rock bands like led zepplin,van halen and acdc are gay you have a poser.
[edit] Goths
Gothic People. Follow the link to understand.
[edit] "Revolutionaries"
These government hating assholes like to pretend that someday they might just overthrow Washington D.C. They like to say that they hate America and can't stand anything about the country. Ok...then leave. Why leave a country where sex is only $20 away? Or $20,000. Yeah, I'm talking to you Spitzer.
[edit] Screamos
These guys are extreme emos. The telltale signs are all black with tight pants and some gay band shirt or shirt with a gay "hey i'm so deep" phrase such as "pain in life isn't pain in death"...is that real? Could it be any dumber? The ridiculous factor is added to this as well because Screamos are downright ridiculous. They are unbeatable. What else in the world multiplies then spreads then mutates into various forms? A virus. Screamos are a virus. Why? Well, every high school in America has at least one. That one will play their so-called "angst-ridden" music to someone else. That person will dig the screaming layered with queer clean vocals and shred guitar that is basically just scales and a lot of studio doctoring (John Petrucci is real shred guitar). Then another will be hooked. Then another. Then another. Eventually a screamo band or two is formed. This band begins playing shows because screamo is easy to write and very accessible in this day and age. Once spread the process begins again. The mutation factor comes into play because all screamos were once either other posers or good people. Thus, these screamos have tastes in different music. If a screamo's music is criticized they will go into defense mode and say that they also listen to another band, usually Metallica, Zep, Journey, GNR, or Iron Maiden (Maiden is notorious for this). When they say this, you can't argue cause those are some damn good bands. But if these bands are used against someone who is more underground then more good bands will be pulled, though these bands will be obscure and the screamo maybe heard ten seconds of a song while they searched for the newest Fear Before the March of This Band Name Is So Long and Ridiculous That it Has No Purpose so Die album. The bands pulled range from Porcupine Tree to Dream Theater. Of course this is the point where the line between poser and not-poser becomes blurry since NO ONE in their right mind thinks Porcupine Tree or Dream Theater is "underground" (this also applies to kids who think Nightwish is the greatest band ever. I can think of at least seven other bands right off the top of my head that have been doing what Nightwish does except for longer and a lot better). In any event, the screamos are the Kings (or queens, though screamo girls are acceptable because they are normally hot, or at least slutty) of Posers.
<<< Posers
[edit] How Can I Help?
Helping is simple. Lead all posers to the nearest P.A.L.K. (People Against Lenny Kravitz) or S.J.P.I.S.F.U.A.S.H.H.F.S.I.A.C.D.A. (Sarah Jessica Parker Is So Fucking Ugly and Should Have Her Face Slammed In a Car Door Association) and they will either feed them to the Brady's or force them to watch re-runs of the Cosby Show for eternity. Or if the poser isn't too severe then they will be converted by the Great King Doctor Phil.
[edit] The List of Non-Posers
Well I guess that settles it...we're all posers.
Except for Chuck Norris and Deisel Felix
(Feel free to add to this as well.)
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