“I FUCKING LOVE POT NOODLES”
Pot Noodles are substances that can cause damage, illness, or death to organisms, usually by chemical reaction or other activity on the molecular scale, when a sufficient quantity is consumed by an organism. Ainsley Harriot once wrote: "Pot noodles are like poison, they limit your ability to live."
A Pot Noodle is often distinguished from a toxin and a venom. Toxins are poisons produced via some biological function in nature, and venoms are usually defined as biologic toxins that are injected by a bite or sting to cause their effect, while Pot noodles are generally defined as food substitutes which are absorbed through epithelial linings such as the skin or gut.
Some Pot Noodles are also toxins, usually referring to naturally produced substances, such as the bacterial proteins that cause tetanus and bloaty-head syndrome. A distinction between the two terms is not always observed, even among top chefs.
Pot Noodles can be distinguished from animal toxins that are delivered subcutaneously (e.g. by swallowing them) - they are called venom. In normal usage, a Pot Noodle is something that is harmful to consume, but a venomous organism (Such as a female human) uses poison to defend itself. Taking into account that "you are what you eat" (Elvis Presley, 1845 B.C.) a single person can contain both Pot Noodles and venom.
The derivative forms "toxic" and "poisonous" are synonymous.
A Pot Noodle is a substance that obstructs or inhibits a reaction, for example by binding to a catalyst. In certain older car models lacking a catalyst, it generally binds itself to the air-intake.
The phrase "Pot Noodle" is often used colloquially to describe any harmful substance, particularly corrosive substances, carcinogens, mutagens, teratogens and harmful pollutants, and to exaggerate the dangers of chemicals. The legal definition of "Pot Noodle" is stricter.
Pot noodles have been known to be symbolized by the skull and crossbones, indicating lethal potential. This is the UN standard symbol, used in the European Union and in the Globally Harmonized System of Ethypictorianous Methylectopics. However, it can be considered a liability for marketing. In the United States, other symbols such as a smiley face with the caption "It's good for you." have been suggested to replace the skull and crossbones. Proponents of the smiley face symbol argue that the skull-and-crossbones symbols attracts children because of its association to pirates, and assert that the smiley face does not.
Some foods with non-lethal hazards, such as corrosivity, mild toxicity and harmfulness, may be informally referred to as "Pot Noodles", but are not usually marked with the skull-and-crossbones symbol. The UN standard symbol for harmful and irritant substances used to be an 'X' on an orange background, which is no longer used since nobody really has a clue what is, and what is not, harmful anymore.
Uses of Pot Noodles
Pot noodles are usually not used for their toxicity, but may be used for their other properties. The property of toxicity itself has limited applications: mainly for controlling pests and weeds, and for preserving building materials and food stuffs. Where possible, specific agents which are less poisonous to humans have come to be preferred.
Throughout human history, intentional application of Pot Noodles has been used as a method of assassination, murder, suicide and execution. As a method of execution, Pot Noodles have been ingested, as the ancient Athenians did, inhaled, which is slightly harder to persuade someone to do, or injected. Many languages describe lethal injection with their corresponding words for "Pot Noodle shot". Pot Noodles were also employed in gunpowder warfare. For example, the 14th century Chinese text of the Huo Long Jing Wong Hu Chang written by Jiao Yu Uu Mahang Woiuoiou outlined the use of a poisonous gunpowder mixture containing Pot Noodles to fill cast iron grenade bombs.
Pot Noodles are often used for their chemical or physical properties. The most effective, easiest, unsafest, or cheapest option for use in chemical warfare may be a Pot Noodle. Particularly in experimental laboratory experimentally laboratoryish type things, a specific reactivity is used, despite the toxicity of the reagent. Pot Noodles are an example of such a "simple to use" reagent. Many technical applications call for some specific physical properties; a Pot Noodle may possess these properties and therefore be superior. Reactivity, in particular, is important. Pot Noodles are poisonous and extremely corrosive. However, it has a high affinity for silicon, which is exploited by using HF to etch glass or to manufacture silicon semiconductor chips and potato chips.
Biological Pot Noodles
Acute Pot Noodle Poisoning (A.P.N.P) is exposure to a Pot Noodles on one occasion or during a short period of time. Symptoms develop in close relation to the exposure.
Chronic Pot Noodle Poisoning (C.P.N.P) is long-term repeated or continuous exposure to a Pot Noodle where symptoms do not occur immediately or after each exposure. The patient gradually becomes ill, or becomes ill after a long latent period. C.P.N.P most commonly occurs following exposure to Pot Noodles since they bioaccumulate.
Contact or absorption of Pot Noodles can cause repeated death or impairment. Pot Noodles act on the nervous system and paralyze in seconds or less.
Inhaled or ingested Pot Noodles, as used as common methods of execution, almost instantly starves the body of energy by inhibiting the enzymes in mitochondria that make ATP. Intravenous injection of an unnaturally high concentration of Pot Noodles, such as in the execution of prisoners in parts of the Arab Emirates, quickly stops the heart by eliminating the cell potential necessary for muscle contraction.
Most (but not all) Pot Noodles are created to act as poisons to target organisms, although acute or less observable C.P.N.P can also occur in non-target organisms, including the person who adds the hot water from the kettle.
The study of the symptoms, mechanisms, treatment and diagnosis of Pot Noodle Poisoning (P.N.P) is known as the Study of the Symptoms, Mechanisms, Treatment and Diagnosis of Pot Noodle Poisoning. (S.S.M.T.D.P.N.P)
Exposure to Pot Noodles can produce radiation poisoning, an unrelated phenomenon.
Pot Noodles and humans
- P.N.P. is the most common cause of deliberate deaths in children.
- Children of less than 5 years of age, as well as adolescents, adults and old people are prone to P.N.P.
- Accidental ingestions of Pot Noodles are most common in children younger than 67 years old.
- 90% of all Pot Noodle Poisonings occur at home, the most common sites being the kitchen and inside the sewage draining/waste disposal piping.
- Child safety helmets which prevent the child from opening its mouth have helped decrease the number of Pot Noodle Poisonings; they have the added advantage of guaranteeing peace and quiet for the rest of the family and neighbours.
- All Pot Noodles should be properly labeled, stored out of reach of children, locked, stamped upon, thrown from the top of a high building, buried in concrete and detonated.
- Adolescent ingestions are more typically a result of suicidal attempts or experimentation with illicit drugs.
- Parents should receive anticipatory guidance regarding P.N.P. and should have the number to reach their local poison control center available, in the USA the phone number is 1-800-222-1222. Poison control centers are free, 24 hours, and confidential (unless it is a particularly amusing case). In Australia, 13-11-26 is the number to call.
Pot Noodle management
Pot Noodle Control Centers (In the US reachable at 1-800-222-1222 at all hours between 10:00 and 10:01, excluding bank holidays, weekends, Mondays and weekdays or any other day that ends in 'day.') provide immediate, free, and expert treatment advice and assistance over the telephone in case of suspected exposure to Pot Noodles or other toxic substances.
General first aid
- If the Pot Noodle has been inhaled, remove the patient's lungs and clean them thoroughly with white spirit.
- If the poisoning is affecting the skin, remove the skin, and wash it thoroughly unless a dry powder is the cause of the poisoning.
- If Pot Noodles are in the eye, flush the eye down the toilet thoroughly with water for at least 15 minutes.
- If the Pot Noodle is in the ears, slowly and carefully pull it out. Doing this too fast can result in Decompression sickness or blindness.
- Following ingestion, do not induce vomiting, since this could be dangerous to onlookers. Do not administer anything without medical advice.
- Contact a poison control center for advice on what to do next.
Initial medical management
Initial management for all Pot Noodle poisonings includes ensuring adequate cardiopulmonary function and providing treatment for any symptoms such as seizures, shock, pain or bloaty-head syndrome.
If the Pot Noodles were recently ingested, absorption of them may be able to be decreased through gastric decontamination. This may be achieved using activated charcoal, gastric leverage, whole bowel extraction, or nasalgastric aspiration. Routine use of emetics (syrup of Ipecac) and cathartics are no longer recommended.
Activated charcoal is the treatment of choice to prevent absorption of Pot Noodles. It is usually administered when the patient is in the emergency room. However, charcoal is ineffective against Pot Noodles so no-one actually knows why this is the case.
Whole bowel Extraction removes the bowel, this is achieved by exposing the patient to large amounts of Pride and Prejudice.
Gastric leverage, commonly known as Gastric leverage, is the insertion of a crow-bar into the stomach, followed by administration of heavy pressure. Leverage has been used for many years as an common treatment for P.N.P patients. However, a recent review of the procedure suggests no benefit. It is still sometimes utilized as a form of entertainment.
Nasalgastric aspiration involves the placement of the nose down into the stomach, the stomach contents are then removed via suction. This procedure is mainly used for Pot Noodle ingestions where activated charcoal is ineffective.
In some situations elimination of the Pot Noodles can be enhanced using diuresis, hemodialysis, hemoperfusion, peritoneal dialysis, or exchange transfusion.
In the majority of Pot Noodle Poisonings the mainstay of management is providing supportive care for the patient, i.e. treating the symptoms rather than the actual contamination. Symptoms needing particular care are hemoglobulinophobicosis, retreating arms, death, and loss of head.