Powderfinger

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Bernard Fanning, with an inflated sense of self-esteem, talking about his upcoming album Dream Days at the Hotel Existence.

Powderfinger is an Australian rock group formed in the year 0. Satan created this group to create good music that is ruined by it being played excessively on the radio.

Band Members[edit]

Bernard Fanning preparing to kill.

Bernard Fanning: A notorious serial killer who joined five years after the original formation of the band, Bernard Fanning's original market strategy was to threaten anyone who didn't buy their EPs and first album. This didn't fly, so they dropped the idea and instead made hypnotic music that once heard will force anyone to buy their entire back catalog. Bernard is currently on lead vocals and acoustic guitar, which is like an electric guitar but it's not electric.

Darren Middleton: Originally a member of another band whose name will remain undisclosed, Bernard assassinated the rest of Darren's band and forced him to join them. Reasons for Bernard's obsession with Darren is unknown, but it may be because of Darren's talent at playing guitar which Bernard lacks.

Ian Haug: One of the two remaining members of the original Powderfinger, Ian was the one who came up with the idea of cryogenically freezing the members between producing albums, allowing them to live for millennia. He is famous for saying "Thank God Savage Garden broke up. We would have been f*cked!" He is currently assigned to electric guitar and backing vocals, even though he sucks at singing.

John Collins: One of the original members of Powderfinger, John Collins is in charge of the band's means of transport. He generally goes over the top with brake-tampering jokes, but he is otherwise reliable. He is currently assigned to bass guitar and saying "hey".

Jon Coghill: Jon Coghill was a replacement for the original drummer of Powderfinger, Stephen Bishop, who was found dead in Bernard's garbage bin. He is currently the only band member who isn't allowed to have any input in their material. Never one to decline a request of "show us your dacks", Jon was last seen on the steps of the Opera House, wearing nothing but a pair of budgie smugglers and a cowboy hat and leading a group of Japanese tourists in a rousing version of Stand By Your Man.

History[edit]

The Early Years -- 0-10[edit]

Preparations were made by Satan and John Collins for world domination, as well as completing the lineup of the band. Ian Haug was chained to the stage around this point, permanently banned from dancing or making any substantial vocal contributions.

The Boring Years -- 10-1988[edit]

They were cryogenically frozen during this period, to be awakened at a time when society would be most vulnerable.

Their first shit, Parables For Frozen Ears.

The Shitty Years -- 1989-1995[edit]

During this period, they were still frozen from the neck up, greatly lowering their ability to create, and hear, music. Their frozen state may be to blame for the existance of the famed 'green pleather pants', trousers so hideous that they should never have been purchased (or stolen), let alone worn. It may also explain the ridiculous hairstyles of the time - no man or woman should ever have hair that long. They released four or so EPs (not that anyone cares how many, they were shit), plus one album, called "Parables For Frozen Ears." It was so shit that no one heard it, not even Powderfinger.

Double Allergic -- 1996-1997[edit]

During this period they made an album that was better than all their previous work combined, not that that's much of an achievement. While recording, Bernard Fanning had a psychotic breakdown and believed he was being chased by the Illuminati. He wasn't, he was simply being looked at by hobos in Harrisville (where ever the hell that is). Unfortunately, Bernard was hit by a car and killed. On the plus side, his ugliness remained unchanged.

Internationalist -- 1998-1999[edit]

1998 saw the release of Internationalist, an album probably about internationalism. This album also explored such deep and meaningful issues as shit hotel tea, Queensland Rail, and why Darren Middleton should only be allowed to sing if he's fronting his other band, Dwag - a band that went Over Most Heads (clearly, Darren is the only person who wishes to hear himself sing). It was also discovered, during this time, that having women in high-waisted pants playing swingball is not a good idea for a film clip. Nowadays, that film clip would only work if the women were pantsless. Legend spread that one track on the album was in relation to Pauline Hanson, a legend that, when asked, the band were unable to explain. Not described as an exercise in pretentiousness, Internationalist paved the way for what was Powderfinger's most pretentious effort to date (until the uber-pretentious Dream Days At The Hotel Existence appeared), Oddity Number Five.

Odyssey Number Five -- 2000-2002[edit]

Bernard narrowly escaped a murder charge after throttling a journalist. Apparently the journo was the one thousanth person to ask him why the album was called Odyssey Number Five. He was acquitted on the proviso he take up knitting to address his anger management issues.

Vulture Shit -- 2003-2006[edit]

In 2003 they released a better, yet less popular, album. After that they decided they needed a break, so they went their separate ways to seek out sex slaves.

Daydreams At The Motel Importance/Silverfinger -- 2007-2008[edit]

In 2007 they released an album whose singles were played on the radio five billion times. They went on the Across The Great Divide tour with Silverchair, supposedly to promote reconciliation in Australia, but it was really to make money with expensive tickets.

In 2008 they went on the Upstairs At The Downstairs tour, and tickets sold out in minutes. Bernard's mum bought the majority of them, and is now scalping them on eBay at triple the original price.

Golden Showers (2009)[edit]

In 2009 Powderfinger will be releasing themselves in the form of Golden Showers.

Being the caring zombie cyborgs they are, they are also selling facial hair to people without any, as part of Movember (an international initiative to push Hobos around more). Also being made are merkins, though these are limited in number.

Also, from September 2009, Powderfinger are claiming that Daydreams At the Motel Importance was in fact, released by some American producer, who was out to disgrace their good name. They are filing a lawsuit against Silverchair for stealing Young Modern two years previously.

Powderfinger reunited with Captain Planet to produce this album, and as part of their eternal gratitude, have named the first single "Paul and his Weiner" after him.

Much effort was put into the promotion of this album. Part of such promotion featured all of the band heading out to busk in 3 of Australia's shittiest cities. Part of this pretentious plan was to Twitter the location to anyone who was interested. They then went on to play an acoustic mini-set to see how quickly they could get a crowd to fall asleep with these songs. Due to it just being an acoustic set, Cogs was made redundant and told to "sit there and look pretty". Luckily they found a wooden box on the side of the road for him to sit on. However, they unfortunately drew very little crowd and had to hold passers-by hostage to stand around and clap. It is rumoured that the final destination of the money taken while busking was to be used to buy shaving utensils so they could get their first real shave in 10 years (apparently they had collectively been rubbing their faces up and down a brick wall until then).

The band then went on an Australia wide tour with the Big Day Out. This was a flop and after one show Bern killed the entirety of the Melbourne band, The Temper Trap. Apparently most of the BDO crew was getting sick of hearing that one song over and over anyway.

Discography[edit]

Album #1: Parables For Frozen Ears.

- Includes the singles:

  • Fail
  • Grave Mistake

Album #2: Double Allergic.

- Includes the singles:

  • Pick Your Nose
  • D.A.F (Doped And Fucked)
  • Living Typewriter
  • Take Me Out

Album #3: Internationalist

- Includes the singles:

  • Any Day You'll Cum
  • Don't Wanna Be Late
  • Already Gone (Not Kelly Clarkson)
  • Parsendger

Album #4: Odyssey #5

- Includes the singles:

  • My Crappiness
  • Like A Dog
  • The Meater/Mating With Your Mum

Album #5: Vulture Shit

- Includes the singles:

  • (Baby I've Got You) Up My Ass (dedicated to Baby John Burgess - spread the rumour)
  • Love Yo Mam
  • Asian Guy Killing Kids
Powderfinger's most acclaimed single, "Lost In Bunnings."

Album #6: Daydreams At The Hotel Importance

- Includes the singles:

  • Lost In Bunnings
  • I Have Forgotten
  • Nobody Cares
  • Who Gives A Fuck
  • Fucking On The Same Couch

Album #7: Golden Showers

-Includes the singles:

  • Paul and his Weiner
  • Burn Your Precious Heart