Power Rangers
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“Alpha, get me 5 teenagers with attitude, a cannoli, and the latest issue of Playboy! This is an urgent situation!”
~ Zordon on the Power Rangers
“The Power Rangers are good friends..FOR ME TO POOP ON!”
~ Triumph, The Insulting Dog on The Power Rangers
Power Rangers (aka Mighty Morphin' Wild Zeo Power Rangers Turbo Overdrive Jungle Force in Space II: Electric Boogaloo) was an Oscar award winning 41 season television series. The series follows the titillating adventures of a group of teenagers.
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[edit] History
In 1992, NASA decided to demothball an Apollo spacecraft to purely de-mythify the Moon Landing Hoax. Upon arriving on the Moon, Apollo 23 discovered that the moon had an Earth-like sky and contained a disposed Pizza Hut dumpster. Although going completely against Houston's orders, they opened the dumpster to reveal Rita Repulsa and her fellow Pizza Hut employees. The fate of the astronauts and the revived Apollo is unknown due to a lack of mentioning of the United States government and its actions against Rita during the whole series.
The Pizza Hut manager who originally canned Rita, Zordon, now stuck in a transdimensional tube without a body, asks his robotic assistant, Alpha, to gather 5 teenagers with attitude(i.e gangsters), a cannoli, and an issue of Playboy. Alpha gets the teenagers, the cannoli, but doesn't have legal age ID to get the magazine.
With their new-found powers, the teenagers, the Power Rangers, battle Rita's monsters while keeping their identity secret and humiliating their local bullies through means that distract parents from the violence in the episodes.
[edit] Power Ranger Favorites
[edit] Jason
- "Jason, bold and stunning. Stop masturbating to Alpha!"
Jason, known as José Canseco to his military buddies, was the initial leader of the Power Rangers group. He was assigned as the Red Ranger by Zordon due to his impressive Tomato Sauce au Naturél recipe, he also received the leading Zord, the Tyrannosaurus-X. Throughout his journeys in Power Rangers, he assisted in defeating numerous enemies and preventing Rita's attempts at destroying the Pizza Hut franchise, mainly the one owned by his Italian parents.
On various occasions, Jason would have to homesit Alpha while Zordon was out of his tube coordinating Pizza Hut deliveries from his local call center in a secret room in the Command Center. Jason considered this chore to be tedious due to Alpha running on a Windows 3.1 system.
Jason was replaced as leader by Tommy Oliver after losing a bet at the Angel Grove Race Track, moving to number two spot, gladly giving up his job as the Command Center babysitter.
- Famous Line: "José Canseco don't get fucked by no crab!"
[edit] Trinity
- "Trinity, fearful and slow. Why did I choose you?!"
Trinity, known as the Matrix Gal, was the martial arts guru of the Power Rangers group, teaching the others the art of Sannse, albeit unsuccessfully. She was assigned as the Yellow Ranger by Zordon because he's "racist, so shoot me. Oh wait, you can't!". With her martial arts and gravity-defying skills, she was a great asset to the team, especially when she was given a gun in season two (despite parental concern, ignored by FOX), replacing her plastic Chinese $2.99 Egg Roll Daggers.
Trinity was replaced by Aisha Campbell after she received a contract for a major movie trilogy that was released some years after her replacement. After this, Trinity Opened an All Cat Chinese Restaraunt in Alabama, which later failed miserably becasue Citizens in Alabama like Racoon better.
- Famous Line: "I don't get it!!!."
[edit] Billy Cranberry
- "Aim right above the fuel cells!"
Billy Cranberry was the nerd of the Power Rangers group, always solving all the technical problems encountered by the Power Rangers, namely Alpha's constant Blue Screen of Death problem. He was continuously poked fun of by other members of the Rangers group until he got laid by Bulk and Skull while drunk.
Billy Cranberry was one of the longest lasting original Rangers, due to his expertise in hacking into Rita Repulsa's server, allowing the Rangers to defeat her monsters the same way every week. He had to leave the Rangers when he suffered from uromisotisis poisoning when he realized Zordon didn't install toilets in his new command center.
- Famous Line: "I think I landed on my dick."
[edit] Kimberly Heart
- "Kimberly, graceful and cute. Lube my tube."
Kimberly Heart, the heart-throb of pre-adolescent boys, was the blonde of the Power Rangers group. Yes, even though she was brunette. In times where Billy Cranberry will be going on with his technobabble, Kimberly will always interrupt with a "huh," "what?" or "Durr." Her strengths come in her flexibility (not counting her "times" with Jason) and advanced bow weaponry in battle. She was considered the redshirt of the group, just without all the death. She had a relationship with Tommy Oliver to attempt to surpass Trinity in group seniority, but failed when, as stated by Tommy, "She bit too hard". Its rumored that she only passed auditions because of the "special favors" she gave Zordon
- Famous Line: "Let go of me!"
[edit] Zachary Tailor
- "Zach, clever and brave...step away from the TV screen..."
Zachary Tailor was the Token Black Guy of the Power Rangers group. In a time of increased focus on races in television, Zachary was chosen by Zordon to prevent lawsuits from local racism groups. Zack loves his KFC and stealing car radios and screwing white women (makes us African Americans proud) behind his black girlfiend's back. Prior to Trinity receiving the main gun of the group, Zachary was the one who manned the missile and laser station on the Zords. When the going went tough, Zack would often exclaim something like "DAMN!" or "That's right, bitch" to confuse the enemy, then defeat them with a slice of his gun power axe. According to Power Ranger fan groups, Zack was considered the blackest Power Ranger next to that other sexy guy.
Due to the fact that Zack was Black, and was the Black Ranger, racism jokes was on the top of the list of things to avoid by the Power Rangers, right after Zordon's bedtube.
- Famous Line: "I have had it with these mothafuckin' snakes on this mothafuckin' plane!"
[edit] Tommy 'Twist' Oliver AKA DragonForce!
- "Tommy, you cannot enter the Command Center without a Power Coin. Please insert one Credit."
Tommy 'Twist' Oliver was the crazy hippy ratings-booster of the Power Rangers group, introduced in an over-elaborate 5-part story to introduce his character. After he was freed from the tyranny of Rita Repulsa, he joined the Power Rangers as the Green Ranger, bent on ridding the world of global warming and saving the rainforests. Anytime the Rangers would threaten to destroy plant life with their Zords during a battle, he would call upon his DragonZord to negotiate between Rita and the Rangers. This typically ended in failure and the DragonZord returning to its ocean base with some major league dents.
Tommy Oliver was the longest lasting Ranger, and the oldest (which raised the television ratings of older women), lasting through many seasons. Despite all his appearances, he never retrieved the Dragon Dagger back from Jason, leaving the DragonZord in the ocean to rust and to never see its lover, Titanus, again.
Tommy was also a master flute-dagger player, one of only four people worldwide to perfect Stairway to Heaven on said instrument.
- Famous Lines: "Like, peace dude, take a chill pill Rita... and have a J while you're at it."
[edit] Villains
[edit] Rita Repulsa
- "I got a headache! Somebody give me some acetaminophen, codeine or something!"
Rita Repulsa was the main villain of the Power Rangers. Originally a Pizza Hut delivery driver, after failing to make 10 deliveries in a row, and threatening to bomb the Hut, her manager, Zordon, threw her into the dumpster and launched it into space, at the expense of the company. When she was released from her dumpster in the late 20th century, she focused her attention on destroying Pizza Hut, then to take over Earth. Along with her minions, she launched numerous attacks of the exact same magnitude in the exact same area every time against the Rangers when they were fully awake and ready for battle. Rolling Stones Magazine rated her tactics as "Predictable as a Star Trek rerun."
When her new superior, Lord Zedd, found out about her failures, he married her purely for the profits of selling her primetime Moon land area. After selling the land, he put her in another dumpster and threw her out into space. She sued Zedd later for legal shortcomings from the marriage. Rita eventually lost her voice due to screeching all the time.
- Famous Line: "Why won't my plants growwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww?!"
[edit] Lord Zedd
- "THAT'S LORD ZEDD!"
Lord Zedd was the offspring of Lady Why and Lord.Exe and was the direct superior in the Department of Evil and Fun of Rita Repulsa. When Rita was unable to defeat Pizza Hut and the Power Rangers with her predictable tactics, Lord Zedd arrived and took up shop, selling her land as well and making a new base.
His main ideal was just purely to defeat the Power Rangers, then turn Earth into one large Evil Empire sex slave corporation. His plan was thwarted when Rita returned to reclaim her territory with her lawyers. Instead of counter-countersuing, Zedd joined forces with Rita to destroy the Rangers once and for all. Before they could perform the final blow, the Machine Empire destroyed their base and sent them running to Alpha Gamma V to set up their own family cafe.
- Famous Line: "IT'S LORD ZEDD! NOW PREPARE TO
DIEBE SENT TO ANOTHER DIMENSION!"
[edit] Goldar
- "Please, Lord Zedd, be mine!"
Goldar is the loyal subordinate of Lord Zedd and Rita, particularly Lord Zedd. He is actually a homosexual. The bastard child of Imhotep and Sephiroth, Goldar was born as a homosexual. He often was picked on by other kids for his weird body until he got angered and chopped his male classmates' manhoods off with his sword. Goldar later joined Rita Repulsa and Lord Zedd's team, falling in love with Zedd but was too afraid to reveal his feelings. He eventually revealed his feelings only to be rejected by Zedd.
Goldar seemed to lose his homosexuality when arriving on Earth, finding the destruction of cardboard buildings and fighting Power Rangers a lot more exhilarating. He developed a close relationship with Scorpina, until he found out she was the daughter of the Scorpion King, his father's enemy. Goldar's final relationship was with Rito Revolto, Rita's anorexic and air-headed brother. The two were turned into sand after Zordon exploded, and spent eternity together.
- Famous Line: "Hey, darling, wanna come to my place. It's on the moon!"
[edit] Episode Summaries
- One to three of the Rangers are trying to achieve something. May or may not involve Bulk and Skull.
- Any number of the above mentioned Rangers will suddenly be attacked by Rita's minions. They're gray.
- They win this battle, usually. It's hard to tell.
- There's a crisis. Red, Pink, Blue, Yellow and Black Ranger (RPBY&B) will meet with Zordon (not to be confused with Zaltar, and/or Gordon, Zordon's cousin) and be sent out to defeat an ugly monster. Green Ranger can't come, 'cause he has "limited power".
- Red Ranger shouts "MORPHIN' TIME!". They then do a campy little dance before pressing a button on what looks like a wristwatch, meaning they didn't have to do the dance in the first place. They then change into their "power armor", which consists of skin-tight garishly-colored spandex (Which has the magic powers to not show a lump near the crotch) and a motorbike helmet.
- Japanese Super Sentai (pronounced "Souper Sent-aye") stock footage of monster fights...or American footage with EXPLOSIONS EVERY TIME THEY BREATHE.
- They fight the monster. They lose, though they slaughter the monster's normally hyperanimated and poorly designed henchmen.
- They morph back and metaphorically talk about the conflict from the beginning. The monster stands around in the same area, proclaiming terror and not doing much while the Rangers plan. The Power Rangers morph back and apply their lessons to fighting monsters.
- They combine their weapons and fire some beam. They get a good hit in, but Rita interferes, throws her staff thing down from the sky and says "GROW!". The enemy grows to precisely the size of the Ranger's Zords.
- Nobody expects this.
- For some reason, the whole town/city is empty with only the monster there.
- The monster walks around without doing anything. Sometimes laugh.
The following happen in any order -
- RPBY&B will jump into an toy robot made out of dinosaurs. This is always as big as the fully grown monster.
- The monster waits patiently while the rangers jump into their zords, which takes about half an hour.
- Green Ranger arrives. He blows his dagger-whistle. Green Ranger's toy robot, also a dinosaur, arrives and fights alongside the other toy robot.
- Sometimes the monster will kick the shit out of their blown out of proportion toy robot dinosaur and they all combine into an even bigger and more blown out of proportion toy robot dinosaur. Otherwise they use a cheap plastic sword that appears from lightning to kill the monster.
- Sometimes their even bigger and more blown out of proportion toy robot dinosaur will get it's ass kicked and will step onto this titanium scooter and fire electric sparks. Otherwise, they drill a hole in the monster causing it to explode in a fury of electrical sparks and fire.
- Something fortunate happens. The monster dies. (this is generally rare due to lack of interest in non-violent deaths of enemies)
After the enemy dies -
- The plot from the beginning comes to a conclusion.
- There's a moral, Nobody pays attention to it.
- Bulk and Skull do something funny/stupid. (optional, usually involves messy food)
- The rangers laugh uncontrollebly at someone else's misfortune.
- The city that was partially leveled in the fight is rebuilt overnight.
[edit] Irregularities Between the American and Japanese Rangers
Little do people know is that Power Rangers is based off a Japanese show and uses sentai and robot scenes from it. Unfortunately, with all remakes, the Americans mess up with something...
| The Americans | The Japanese | |
| Hey, it's Zordon! | 
| Who's the big-chinned floating head in the tube? |
| TOO SCARY FOR KIDS! METAL! BONES! VEINS! SUE! |
| What a pathetic excuse for an inserted villain! |
| ROFLMFAO! | 
| Damn Americans, screwing with our show. |
| Hey, it's that floating head dude that appears every-so-often. | 
| Cool! It's Great Satan who was called upon by Bandora from Hell to wreak havoc on Earth! |
| That's news to me... | 
| I remember that! That's when Dora Talos totally destroyed the robots, destroying one of Daizyujin's arms and the Guardian Beast Dragon Caesar's tail! Man, too bad Bandora's son died in the Dora Talos mecha, made her lose her power, which ended up with her being locked away and never be seen again until she turned good. |
[edit] Cast
- Rosanne as Rita Repulsa.
- David Letterman as Lord Zedd.
- Jay Leno as Zordon.
- Jose Canseco as the Red Ranger.
- Martin Lawrence as the Black Ranger.
- Bob Saget as the Blue Ranger.
- Connie Chung as the Yellow Ranger.
- Paris Hilton as the Pink Ranger.
- David Sazuki as the Green/White Ranger.
- Martha Stewart as the Light Scented Turquoise-Aqua Ranger.
- Godzilla as Serpentera.
- Rusty Wallace as a hostage in episodes 4-23.
- Megazord as himself, with Cher used as regular stand in.
With special cameo appearances by:
- Lewis Hamilton as Putty Patrol member #1, #2, #4, #5.
- "Famine" as Putty Patrol member #3.
- Lou Dobbs as a grumpy, socially-conservative old man calling for tighter border security between the earth and the moon.
[edit] Other Items Un-Morphin' Related
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