Prayer
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Prayer is a late-term symptom of Religion. it is one of the most accurate, non-medical means of determining whether or not a suspected person has been infected with Religion.
To the mind of the person thusly affected, it is a method of forming unilateral, religious-themed contracts with a deity. These bargains typically take the form of, "if you do X, I will start doing Y again," "if you stop all of those X's from tearing my family apart on this camping trip, I will stop inappropriately touching Y," or, "please help me stop doing Y to all of these beautiful, angel-faced X's before the cops catch me." The most common form of Prayer in the United States is the "Hail Mary." This is usually employed in the last five minutes of a football game and seems to involve the worship of some sort of phallic symbol made out of a dead cow or pig.
Despite what the majority of people believe, these bargains are completely unenforceable. This is directly in keeping with one of the major principles of Contract Law: Without mutuality of obligation, even reliance upon the proposed terms of the contract by the promisee does not make the contract enforceable. Because God/Allah/Etc. doesn't really need anything from you, you have no valid consideration to offer to said deity. Failure on the part of either party to offer valid consideration for the contract means the contract is void. Therefore, there is no such thing as a binding Contract formed through Prayer[1]. In other words, quit wasting those precious moments of your day in the futile act of prayer, and go back to watching reruns of the Family Guy.
Prayer is often resorted to when all else fails. E.g.:
"Sir, the missile has missed! I repeat, the missile has missed the comet, and Superman is still nowhere to be found. What do we do now?"
"Now? We pray."
If someone tells you that you haven't got a prayer, start running your fucking ass off. It probably wouldn't hurt to shout Superman's name, either. If they're telling you that because you kept back some of the coke you were supposed to give to those fags in Brooklyn, you'd better piss your pants, drop down on your knees, and offer to return what's left of the drugs and give some head right fucking there. I mean, drug dealers aren't saints, but they might just cut something off you and let you live.
If you're in a hospital and someone says that you don't have a prayer, it wouldn't hurt to get a second opinion, but honestly, that's probably your ass. Still, you might consider bringing a lawsuit against any doctor who said that, because really, that's some cold-blooded shit.
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[edit] Uses
Prayer is a way to tell God all of the things you have done wrong. Some people, naturally, take up to 2 to 3 days explaining all of the things they have done wrong. God then gets mad and ignores you. That is why prayers do not always come true!
It has been observed that nothing works just like prayer.
[edit] A Prayer for the Stressed
Grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I cannot accept and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today, because they got on my nerves.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the feet that I have to kiss tomorrow. Help me to always give 100% at work…
12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday,
43% on Wednesday, 17% on Thursday
and 5% on Friday.
Also help me to remember…
When I am having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only four to extend my arm and smack someone in the face.
This is a commonly used prayer in England and the world.
[edit] Prayer for the Quarterback Who's About to Be Sacked
"HAIL MARY, FULL OF GRACE, THE LORD IS WITH THEE; BLESSED ART THOU, AMONG WOMEN ANDBLESSEDISTHE FRUITOFTHEY WOMB JE-OOOPHHH!"
This only works if you're an Eagle or a Patriot. It never, never works for Giants.
[edit] The Spitzer
"GOD, what a body!"
[edit] The Mrs. Spitzer
"I SWEAR to God, they're never going to find the body!"
[edit] History
Prayer was a concept first proposed by the prophet (and late-scam-artist) John who created it to win the first "most pointless activity" competition which took place in 29BC. It remains to this day the 3rd most pointless activity known to humankind - coming a close 3rd to watching paint dry and doing SuDoku respectively.
The concept of prayer has since been adapted by many humanitarian control systems (colloquially known as religions) in order to bore the pants off or just accutely annoy people who actually live in the real world. Prayer is practised by millions of time-wasters across the world. Most developed forms of prayer involve aligning ones-self with East and using a purpose built carpet.
Some more radical members of the various religious sects believe that some forms of prayer such as murmuring words in your head (or occasionally really pissing off other people by saying them out loud) or bowing like a demented parrot can actively improve the quality of your/others lives in the long term. Such theories are under investigation.
Prayer is currently the 2nd seed for this coming years "most pointless activity" awards - and hopes are that it will beat staring competitions with stuffed owls.
[edit] The Irony
The irony lies between the prerequisite of asking for a favour being faith in the recipient of the favour even though asking to change an aspect of "God's great plan" seems to be expressing a dissatisfaction with the way "God's great plan" has progressed thus far meaning faithfully asking for divine intervention ironically requires faith and lack of faith at the same damn time. But God invented Irony which makes it even more ironic.
[edit] Stevie Nicks and Preyer
Miss Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac often mistakes the word "Preyer" for "Prayer." Then again, she says "drownded" when she means "drowned" so you might want to lower your expectations when it comes to her verbal abilities. Still, the concept of Preying seems worth mentioning in this article, for some strange reason. I guess maybe the Devil or a really big guy with two sticks and a drum made me do it.
[edit] Islam at Prayer Points Heels to Moruroa
The French nuclear tests in the South Pacific had to be abandoned (Moruroa, 1996) due to the fall-out from farts which had orbited the globe, then converged over the site from Islam at prayer aiming its collective bums in that direction. This strategy conflicted with holy scripture which appears to represent the world as flat.
