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George W. Bush not choking on a pretzel.
Dubya was always an action hero.
First President of Earth.

“I should have this job too.”

~ Oscar Wilde on being President

“Ah Here it goes here it goes here it goes again, ah here it goes again.”

~ OkGo on another President
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about President.
  • 1. A point of occupation when one's purpose and source of income is representing pure evil. Not being evil, per se, but it does help.
  • 2. A tequila, if you add "ay" at the end, i.e. "President-ay".
  • 3. A topic of second importance, i.e. "The budget takes president, but increasing ICBM's comes first."
  • 4. Your daily source of reality TV show.
  • 5. Generally not women, unless one has special powers by way of wearing the pants in a relationship with a former President.
  • 6. Not 299,999,999 Americans at any given time.
  • 7. The opposite of absinthe, poorly spoken.
  • 8. Definitely not black or Italian people (except for the Obama guy now)
  • 9. Soon-to-be Micheal Jackson (Only he will now be President of the afterlife).
  • 10. Not to be confused with Pepsodent, a product having to do with good things and the mouth, and thus an antonym.

Presidents have different powers in different countries.

  • George Bush is widely regarded as the greatest comedian in the history of mankind. This is despite the fact he's never attempted to tell a joke in his life. Theory is he acquired this power during one of his weekly tee times with God, trading it for his ability to pronounce nuclear. It should also be noted God has never mispronounced nuclear since.
  • It's a little known fact that Abraham Lincoln, or "The Emancipator", is in fact the greatest boxer ever. During a particularly heated moment in the Stephen Douglas debate, Douglas attempted to start a fistfight. This is widely regarded as the dumbest decision a presidential candidate has ever made, with the exception of Howard Dean's infamous speech "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" The Debate resumed two days later, after hours of delicate surgery had removed Douglas's teeth from his brain. Sadly, the remainder of the debate consisted of Douglas randomly shouting "MEATLOAF!", and slamming his fist onto his podium like a ginger giving birth to a llama.
  • In France, the president is the head of state, so he must constant argue with and stonewall the head of government, namely the Prime Minister. If this doesn't take place, people begin to question if anything gets done, and no one wants that, ain't it so?
  • In Finland, the President is not a person, but in fact a two dimensional fictional character named "Moominmamma". There is currently a great debate involving most of Finlands political recourses going on about why this is.
  • In Norway, the president is an turnip named Erik Thorstvedt, who adopted a hereditary Rule in Stavanger, and was appointed by the power of the self ruled country Bergen.
  • In Germany, the President is Hitler.
  • In Sweden the president is a small radio company that invented Ikea.
Tommy Lee Jones is the only person who holds higher power than the president.
  • Although there are many presidents in this planet Chuck Norris is widely regarded as the official president of the world. However the lately the new opposition party led by the Most interesting man according to Discovery channel and dos xx, and Isaia Mustafa (yeah that black dude that says "hello ladies" in the Old Spice commercials) has gained many votes. Unfortunately in the last years secret massacre Chuck Norris Roundhouse kick most of the opposition supporters killing them and sending them to outer space at the same time. Still nobody knows thats why its secret.

The purpose of presidents[edit]

A President is someone who has the power to rape every rule (but still has to pay taxes, you dont mess with the IRS)and law (including grammar laws)in the book, and make up new ones as he or she goes along(see Dub-Ya for more info). A President can also pass votes that, though perhaps not directly, may cause suicidal behavior in pregnant teenage males. Some Presidents are more powerful than others. (this following is information regarding the United States)The United States President, for example, has power over most of the world(see Team America World Police on Wikipedia for more info). While the U.S.s official turf encompasses everything south of Canada and north of Mexico(plus Alaska and Hawaii), they are moving in on Afghanistan and more importantly Iraq, both of whom have many valuable natural resources(opium, oil, cannabis, hashish, oil, lots more oil and opium, did I mention oil? see Mike Toreno for details). The US is considered by many to be one of the most ruthless crews this side of Earth. Their colors are Red, White, and Blue, resembling Native Americans(red) who were killed and their bodies turned cold and strange-colored(blue) by mostly white people(white). While a less-organized but more-famous method of smokin' motherfuckaz was just to invade and accidentally shoot as many civis as possible, a method that is becoming increasingly popular is to break into someone's house and stuff hundreds of sleeping pills in their mouths, thus them(see Dub-Ya's book, titled "Dope-A(A symbolizing I)-Mean, Uh..." for details on how to avoid an overdose). Back to the Presidency. Being President means all your Capos(see Government Staff for details) kick up directly to you, and then you give a percentage to the guy who really calls the shots(see Cick&Dheney Contract for info). Also, if a certain business refuses to pay their "protection tax" to you, you have the bribe money to call the Po-Lease(see Racist for more info) and have them locked up for years.

The President is about to be inaugurated, and Nobody Cares.

To Become President You Must:[edit]

  • Defeat the current President in hand-to-hand combat (or hire your personal Lightsaber army instead).
  • Master the art of "us" and "them"
  • Never get caught in your Tinkie Winkie suit.
  • Be man enough to give Ted Kennedy a reach-around.
  • Be "fo rizzle"
  • Smoke marijuana, but never inhale.
  • Decide to attack another country for no apparent reason.
  • Oppose Osama Bin Laden, and other dead terrorists.
  • Have a "deeply concerned" face, a "quietly pondering" face, and a "confident incompetent" face. Nothing that comes forth from your lips is particularly considered relevant.
  • Promise large businesses and the rich tax cuts, additional tax loopholes, and reduced regulation, in exchange for bribes campaign donations.
  • Pretend to care about the poor and the unemployed.
  • Have either cyberhacking connections, to dig up scandals on your opponent, or Mafia connections, to make scandals disappear that your opponent digs up on you.
  • Expand the American Empire in some way, past examples of this are:
  1. George Washington: Illegally stole the Eastern Coast of North America from the Brits.
  2. John Adams: Invaded Florida and drove off the Spanish.
  3. Ben Franklin: Created the state of Franklin from land legally stolen from the natives.
  4. Churchill: Took the glorious Midwest from the Canadian Caliphate after World War 1 1/2.
  5. Ma and Pa: Incorporated the great prairie, one boring book at a time.
  6. Old Abe: Took over half of Mexico to make up for the loss of the Confederate States of America.
  7. Obama: Invaded Libya because his administration needed to capture at least ONE middle-eastern country
  8. Teddy Bear Roosevelt: Took Puerto Rico from Spain because we wanted a limbo place that wasn't a state nor a territory so we could torture our victims legally.
  9. JFK took over Cuba in the bay of Pigs.
  10. Dwight Esihnour took over Europe, Africa, Vietnam and [Mexico].
  11. George Bush Sr.: Took over Kuwait in the name of 'world peace'.
  12. Bill Clinton: Kidnapped a bunch of Iranian babes to rub baby oil into his back on the weekends, but he definitely did not have sex with that woman. Because blow jobs don't count as sex.
  13. George Bush Jr.: Took over Iraq, Afghanidom and Hippieland from the Canadians 'cause we hate Canada. and hired xangu the clown
  14. Hillary Clinton: Is so sure of election, has already moved into oval office and took the rest of Canada.
  15. Harry Truman: Kill a whole mess o' Japs... er... wait... how did that expand America? Ah, who cares... f***ing Japs...
  16. Donald Trump: Build a wall rivaling the Great Wall of China, only less attractive to tourists, and more closely resembling the Berlin Wall. As to the budget? Screw it, we don't need no stinkin budget.

See also[edit]