President Crow

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President Crow is widely believed by the student population of Arizona State University to be an incarnation of Satan.

"Why would they think that?" President Crow asked, while unhinging his jaw in order to eat a goat whole.

Crow is the natural enemy of the student. If placed in a room together, Crow is generally known to turn the student upside down by the ankles and shake him or her. If the student manages to get free, she or he will attempt to bludgeon Crow to death with an overpriced and heavy textbook.

Crow subsists entirely on souls and power drawn directly from Satan.

History[edit]

President Crow broke out of hell in the year 1980, completely unrelated to Ronald Reagan's election. He spent several years posing as Jack the Ripper but quickly grew bored of this. He then ran for president, but the American Public chose George Bush in the Republican primary instead. This American Public guy was quoted as saying, "he's the lesser of two evils." Crow became bitter and was quoted as saying "I'll get you next time, Bush!" He then spent the next several years under the assumed name of Al Gore. Following another bitter defeat, he became the president of ASU.

Resume as ASU's president[edit]

  • Attempted to have the State Press shut down for repeatedly attempting to reveal his identity as Satan.
  • Brought in humongous amounts of money from donors; ironically forced students to sell their souls to him in order to pay their tuition. Because some students were still sneaking through, he instituted mandatory meal plans and required all freshmen to live on campus.
  • He began holding Black Mass weekly at his office hours after realizing the time spent waiting for students to come inside would be better used praising Allah.

Crow's Ten Commandments[edit]

  1. Tuition will eventually exceed the US GDP and PTS will have a bigger budget than the Department of Homeland Security.
  2. Construction on campus will never end. Likewise, the mascot will be changed from the Sun Devils which is too obvious, to orange construction barrels
  3. All freshmen will live in hell, better known as dormitories, and eat shit from Sodexho.
  4. All classes not taught by lesser demons, will be eliminated. Non-demon professors can be spotted by their lack of interest in research and money and an unnatural desire to assist their students.
  5. All students will eventually end up at NAU due to a desire to get the fuck out of dodge.
  6. There will be a strict policy of No Fun, to be vaugely referenced in UNI100: "University Indoctrination and Diversity-Re:Education".
  7. Hidden charges are not only necessary for the production of wage slave students, they are hilarious.
  8. I hate Greek Life because I couldn't get a bid to a business fraternity and so I will give them all SARS
  9. Sodexho will be charged with the collection with souls, as I am lazy.
  10. Rebellion will be crushed under the weight of mysterious charges from organizations you didn't know existed and the Democrats.
  11. You will not point out that I cannot count.

Crow's minions[edit]