Preston

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Preston Is a very small village in the even smaller village of Bambi Bridge. It is famous for its many many farms which are full of reindeer. Boy George Was also eaten alive by George Michael in the town centre public toilets. Due to the incontinence of the populace the toilets have since been demolished and locals urinate freely in the street,while tap dancing on a jam rag.why o why don't we dance upon the yonder.

Disecovered in -1360BC by SirJameslcfc MBE from the bronx, who was looking for smack and a place to keep his large Non-RP banlist. He Invented Preston pig, and been knighted by King Richard Hitchings III

The city that shouldn't be allowed too survive, Preston is the cause of much bitterness in local rivals Lancaster and Blackburn and burnley the land of the 6 fingered also blackpool wher it only costs ten pence to have a donkey shit on your head. Namely, by causing the infamous "War of the Pies" commemorated on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month of each year. districts of preston include, deepdale also effectionaly known as baghdad, moscow, walton, whittle les woods, and unfortunately clayton brook, clayton brook goes by many aliases including: little bosnia, atlantis, mordor, the ghetto, auschwitz, wastelandistan, and costa del street crime.

Contents 1 The Gathering Storm 2 What About Blackburn? 3 Causes of the War of the Pies 4 War of the Pies 5 Yeah, but what about the war? 6 Modern Politico-Economic Constructs within Lancashire, as a result of Preston

[edit] The Gathering Storm

The story goes that The Tudor house of Lancaster didn't like the national football museum very much and ordered that it be sent away to the blackhole that is Preston.

Famously every 13th of november, the mayor of preston nakedly dances down the high street while beeing urinated on by the proud population of the wonderful city. Unfortunately, the man charged with carrying out these instructions, a Yorkshireman, misread the command "shift that shit to Preston" and took the adjoining Deepdale stadium too. Thinking "in for a penny, in for a pound," he mistakenly packed up and sent off the County Hall and The Central Library & Public Records office buildings as well.

Preston is now proudly the only city left in Britain that follow pagan beliefs, they are officially afraid of gays and worship hagnash, elephant god of the harvest,

The Deepdale stadium, up until now a cabbage patch infested with lilly-white clad men who fraudulently purported themselves as players of a game known as "football", is famous for it's shit pies and dodgy-looking structural defects.

Anyhow, with their new found social order, Preston went above it's station, declaring themselves county capital and invested in running for City status, something which well-deserving rivals Blackburn had failed to achieve every time they went for it during the previous decade. And as HRH Queen Betty II had nothing better to do at the millenium, she jokingly told a Royal aide that "one should let them have it". At the same time, PM Tony Blair, who was in the room presenting his case for another war in Iraq to her, thought he had just been given the go ahead to approach parliament on the subject.

Before we knew it, Preston had a lot to answer for. "Roadside bombings galore in the gulf" became the city's new motto.

Anyhow, with prominent Prestonians sneaking into power in Parliament, Lancaster's attempts to reclaim it's county capitalship were thwarted recently when the boundary committee was considering another re-shift in county boundaries. With the alarming prospect of Lancaster coming under the newly-founded hoaxsters' Cumbrian banner, Lancaster backed off and wished Preston well in sorting out the previously bollocksed Library-lending database.

The mayor of Preston is country bumpkin and agricultural worker Liam Walton. He is also famous for having played the lead role in the Sci-Fi Horror film Pingu.

[edit] What About Blackburn?

Blackburn, however, was not to be seen off so easily. The recent mobilisation of the QLR under the Blackburn banner saw the seizure of Fulwood Barracks in Preston, by a Major Walter Holland and his Baxenden-based catery battalion. The surrender was signed by Brigadier-General TH Ashworth, who knew when his crust was crumbling. Jack Straw was also known to have made a comment, but his constant murmurings about the veil debate made the comment irreversible and pointless.

“Burn the burkha!”

~ Dame Jack Straw (a.k.a Edna Everidge) on Blackburn

“Twats... on toast!”

~ His Holiness on a common Blackburnian snack

PRESTON HAVE RECENTLY RELEASED A MESSEGE TO BLACKBURN WICH SAYS HAHA TITHEBARN (THEY KNOW WHAT IT MEANS)

[edit] Causes of the War of the Pies

Following Yorkshires unfair presentation of the "good old" meat and potato pie of Lancashire, lancashire fought back with much deliverance in the matter; by revealing the shockingly high salt levels in yorkshire puddings (commonly known as yorkshite puddings to residents of Lancashire, except the majority who are incapable of speaking english),sure to give any unsuspecting outlanders a heart attack if experiencing as much as a whif, not to mention how defiantly crap they are. After sailing down the South gravy river, Lancashire's army of socially inept coal miners launched naturally low in saturated fat meat and potato pies at the giant yorkshire pudding castle of Leeds, battering it's already deteriating crust-walls; nibbling at it's crust appeared to have been much to the fancy of the wooley-backers of Leeds, as where, and still are today, sheep, the much loved entertainment source for the people of Leeds, who can't find anyting better to do in their spare time other than practising beastiality and producing highly salted yorkshire puddings.

[edit] War of the Pies

The so-called "War of the Pies" did not only see the crushing of Preston as it's outcome.

The Baxenden-based catery detatchment had, however, struggled in it's campaign for glory by thwarting first the Borough of Hyndburn, who had sided with Preston. The fall of Accrington was swift and comical as the mayor fled, boarding a canal barge in Rishton and setting sail for the safe-haven of Leeds. However, Leeds being in Yorkshire and despising the pitiful Lanc, they promptly shot him as he docked.

Liverpool had blockaded the mouth of the same canal to all Hyndburn-registered vessels in support of their Blackburnian brothers, forcing Accrington to flee to Leeds.

"Why?" you may ask. Simple. Liverpool, enviously lacking in talent in the football department with three failed attempts, recognised Blackburn as the future in football legendry. As a victory tribute afterwards, the three Merseyside teams dropped the ball and picked up the movable type to found a media organisation in Blackburn-not knowing what to call it, they used their former organisations as a basis-and so the L.E.T. was born.

[edit] Yeah, but what about the war?

Back to the outcome of the war. In return for his life to be spared, Brigadier-General Ashworth bribed the Mayor of Blackburn with one of Preston's distant vassel states, Bolton. His Grace Blackburn, not liking this vassel state because of it's close associations with the old enemy, Manchester, gave it to nearby hangers-on Darwen, as a gesture of goodwill. He promptly declared war on Darwen and during the signing of the surrender in a railway carriage in Sunnyhurst Woods, remarked on how the mayor of Accrington "...had at least tried to flee... whereas i see Darwen here before me, i shall pity him and give him a job at the new Blackburn Service Station."

To this day, His Former Grace Darwen workss in the MacDonalds as the new "mayor of trays and tables". And the "War of the Pies" was not over. Burnley, the treacherous borough that constantly rebelled against the rest of Lancashire in attempting to declare itself Yorkshire, rose-up against it's Allied-Lancastrian occupation force and tried once more to become part of Yorkshire.

Lancastrian forces, now somewhat overstretched in the subjugation of a small group of hard-core Darwen guerillas, awestruck the region in appealing to Yorkshire for help. One five minute negotiation meeting in the bordertown of Ramsbottom later, saw a public declaration from both sides: "Neither of us really want Burnley, but as it's Lancashire's problem, we'll keep it as Lancastrian soil."

So the Duke of York's Fuseliers marched on Burnley, storming it's only two structurally sound buildings, the Waggonn and Horses pub and the DingleDome, another cabbage patch full of Footballer fraudsters. Meanwhile, Lancaster saw an oppurtunity and invaded Cumbria. The leader of the Cumbrian County Council, the Rt. Hon. B R Ewe, a sixth generation French settler, aggressively surrendered before the first shots were fired.

[edit] Modern Politico-Economic Constructs within Lancashire, as a result of Preston

So then, where did that leave the delicate balance of power in the Lancashire region?

Well, Blackburn came out on top in Lancashire, gaining the territories of the Borough of Preston, the Borough of Hyndburn, the town of Darwen and reluctantly the vassel Borough's of Bolton and Burnley.

The Cold War with Yorkshire thawed a little, with a peace treaty lasting over 100 years being signed. This was eventually broken at a diplomatic function when the Yorkshire League's Chief Ambassador referred to the Duke of Lancaster's Canape as "a marathon bar". His Grace Lancaster rammed the Snickers down his throat and war was declared.

Liverpool and Blackburn affirmed positive and mutual trade and economic agreements which severely harmed "the old enemy" in the Lancashire region, Manchester.

Manchester appealled to the Duke of Lancaster to step in and stop these agreements, but the Duke was bound by County Constitution not to meddle in Bourough-affairs.

However, these freedoms backfired when a small group of renegade merseysiders who were banished from Liverpool, secretly fled to Blackburn, rebelling and setting up their short-lived nation state of "Shidvar". Shidvar was mercilessly crushed and renamed Shadsworth, but a small terrorism campaign continues to the current day.

As mentioned, Cumbria became part of Lancashire once more. A parliamentary campaign to reunite the whole of Greater Lancashire under the red-rose banner is underway with Liverpool and the rest of Merseyside wishing to return to the fold. It is progressing steadily but all entry applications by Manchester are being ferociously opposed, with the House of Lancaster threatening to secede from the Kingdom if HM allows it.

With another war on the brink, this time against Manchester and it's newly conquered vassel, Salford, Lancashire is once again facing an expansion of it's borders, this time reluctantly southwards.

Preston has a lot to answer for. But remember, if it hasn't got a Cathedral and Boulevard, it damn well isn't a city!

Your location in Earth
Earth - Continent - Country - State - City - Neighbourghood - Building - Flat - You - Head -