Pretty Little Liars (TV series)
“Which ones are the vampires?”
“In Soviet Russia, Alison kills Alison kills Alison kills Alison! Wait.”
Pretty Little Liars is a modern-day Sherlock Holmes style murder mystery dinner produced by ABC Family, in which viewers call in every week and speculate on what is happening in the show. These speculations are then played out on screen by the girls you went to high school with. In effect, the plot is a large circle, which rotates weekly until it has picked up enough speed to create a vortex and swallow your television set. Because of this, most viewers have opted to watch on Hulu instead, as this phenomena has not yet been proven to have the same effect on computer monitors.
History of the Show
Pretty Little Liars was first conceived by Albert Einstein in 1940, as an entry in to the "Perpetual Motion Machine" Contest held by Jeff Probst in the same year. It originally failed to become the widespread hit that it is today due to the fact that the television and phone had not yet been invented, and because American culture was not ready to embrace the Vampire/Werewolf love triangle that the show is centered on.
The show takes place in the woods of an illustrious American small town, whose name is yet to be revealed (the town will henceforth be referred to as "A"). The main characters are four girls, known to the townspeople only as "the pretty little liars". It has not yet been revealed whether these characters are werewolves or vampires or what, and frankly I'm getting pretty f***ing pissed about being left in the dark on that.
None of the show's characters have formal names, so to make it easier they will henceforth be referred to as "A", "A", "A", and "A". Early on in the season, everyone starts getting really weird texts from a mysterious haxxor, who only goes by the name of A. A is the only person in the show who actually has a real name, so this part of the plot should be easy.
No need to take notes; the plot of Pretty Little Liars is so easy to follow that even Mike Tyson could have written it, but just to make it easier I'll write it all out here:
In the summer of 2010, "A", "A", "A", "A", and "A" are all having a sleepover in "A"'s parents' station wagon, when "A" mysteriously disappears (it is later revealed that she was sleeping in the wrong station wagon the whole time, but no one in the whole universe seems to care). The other four girls wake up and wonder where their friend has gone, but instead of immediately assuming she's been murdered, they decide it would be a good idea to just pretend that they were never friends with each other. After the break up, they all begin to get text messages from a mysterious "A", containing lurid sexual innuendos and pictures of his penis. The press has attempted to contact Brett Favre in reference to his connection with the matter, but have yet to hear back from him at this time.
"A", "A", "A", and "A" all have their own secrets, and they don't share them with anyone else because it's not cool when other people have the same stuff as you. No one knows their secrets, and you'll never know, because none of the characters' secrets are ever revealed, ever.
Characters and their Secrets, Revealed
(In alphabetical order, beginning with "A")
"A" is just so disgusted by the penis pictures, causing her to realize she is a lesbian. She suddenly understands why she's always wanted to have sex with women all this time.
"A" is having sex with her English teacher, who is about 80 years her senior. The secret here is that despite all the sex, he's still only giving her a B+ on that research paper.
"A" HAD SEXXXORZZZ WITH HER SISTER"S BF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111 OMG
"A" was murdered last summer.
"A" is the killer.
"A" is one of the lady terminator robots from The Sarah Connor Chronicles. She likes to wear sunglasses and purse her lips, because that makes her look more like a real human.