Pricing

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Pricing is a natural way of making people pay for something completely useless that you have made, secreted, found, stolen or bought, though probably, in most cases, stolen. Pricing is utilised by a variety of organisations: big businesses, small businesses, mediocre fishing villages, America, Lutheranism and the Soviet Union. It is never, under any circumstances, used by telemarketers, because if they told you the ridiculous price of that set of knives you don't need, you probably wouldn't be as eager to hand over your credit card info.

Pricing Strategies[edit]

  1. Penetrating the Market: Knives are good for this. Stabbing a potential rival removes their potential to be a rival. Other methods include burning, decapitation and kicking (known as footing in marketing). Also you might consider letting them have a meal with Rocco LeVansaler. That will force them to shoot themselves. Or you could always go hunting with Dick Cheney, in which your competition would be ultimately shot in the face with a shotgun.
  2. Skimming/Creaming: Hold the product high above people's heads, so only the tallest or most resourceful (those with ladders for example) can obtain it. Natural selection at its least relevant.
  3. Destroying Competition/Capturing the Market: OR BOTH! Get a large, large net for a low, low price, and use it on the market. Now apply mallets liberally.
  4. Competitive Pricing: This is where certain people paint numbers and racing stripes on innocent prices. Then, a hot poker is applied to the rear of all the prices simultaneously. The first to run squealing to the front of the sale window wins. The Trade Descriptions Act describes this practice, but being a description, doesn't ban it.
  5. Discriminating Between Groups of Consumers: Charging different prices to different consumers, The 'Fuck off, Jews' of the marketing world.

Factors Affecting Pricing Decisions[edit]

  1. Cost
  2. Obstacles, e.g. pits of fire
  3. The Marketing Mix (boom boom baboom boom whooop beatbox!)
  4. Competitions, church raffles, speed-eating
  5. Consumer perception, vision, imagination, religion, artistic integrity, brain capacity, mole carrying capacity, state of being (alive and/or dead), current IQ, whether the owner owns a llama, whether the customer eats Rocky Mountain Oysters, etc.
  6. Market segment - mmm, sliced stall with a side of stallowner
  7. Legal constraints - murdering people is generally frowned upon, etc.
  8. Level of sobriety
  9. Store owner's presence and sanity - whether he is out of town for the weekend, or so crazy he's practically giving new cars away, etc.
  10. Holidays, weddings, funerals, and other sale-a-brations
  11. FIRE!