Princess Aurora

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Damn Long Summary[edit]

She was born, given to paedophile ladies who kept her in a closet for 16 years, then given back because she was too attached to them and became a burden, she then managed to find the only fucking spinning-wheel in the entire kingdom and kill herself with it. Unfortunately, she was sent into a coma which lasted some amount of years, which caused the rest of the kingdom to put their lives on hold, literally. A long time later, after finding the RIGHT prince, fighting through an overly grown garden of THORNS, being captured and sexually assaulted by recurring villain Maleficent, law suits against Maleficent, more fighting through THORNS which now have a mind of their own, killing Maleficent with some sort of futuristic laser gun from the space ship Enterprise, hosting a prime time cooking show, finally finding the bitch up in the tallest fucking tower of the freakishly large maze of a castle and having to sexually abuse to wake her up, they lived happily ever after (until the Walt Disney fiasco). In all this we can honestly say, Prince Charming was an idiot. Oh, and he might have saved the world; BUT that will go uncredited.


Princess Aurora was born into a wealthy royal family, who earned their titles by producing various incest porn movies. Wanting to get rid of her as soon as possible, her parents arranged a marriage with Hollywood star, Prince (Known to them as being "Charming"). They had a baby shower for her, in which the three paedophile fairies wished her a beautiful voice, physical beauty and if she were to SOMEHOW, in a moment of complete oxygen starvation to the brain, kill herself with a needle, she would fall into a coma (BAD IDEA); sadly for us, only one of those things came true; and she managed to bore us all with her decades of sleep. The evil witch type thing, Maleficent, wished upon her to die if she found a spinning-wheel, just be pricking her finger on the needle. This goes to show that, Maleficent had the most common sense of all.

Aurora grew up to be a young slutty girl who loved to dance with animals and touch herself in dirty places until she found a random man trudging through the forest (who could have been serial killer/ rapist) but ended up being her prince. She grew up on the street with all the drugs, which caused her to think the three paedophile ladies who sexually abused her were magical fairies. Some of the drugs consisted of Ice, Marijuana, Magic mushroom, Strange Berries and many fine snortable powders.

It was on her 16th birthday that the three paedophile ladies finally gave her back; claiming that she was growing too attached to them and they wanted a sex slave who would just do what he or she was told. There was no awkwardness on Aurora’s behalf when meeting her parents; just their feeling of despair when they realised that she was once again their problem.

It was for-told that on her 16th birthday, Aurora would prick her finger on a needle and die. To prevent this, her father ordered every spinning-wheel in the kingdom burned and made into a sculpture of Bruno. Aurora, however, managed to find a secret passage in the castle (which nobody knew about, not even the king and queen), find the only fucking spinning-wheel in the entire bloody kingdom, prick herself with it and dramatically faint: because the dumbass fairy made her fall into a coma instead of just dying. This caused everyone else in the kingdom to feel left out, which made them want to fall into a coma as well.

For some reason, Prince Charming managed to be the only person who didn't fall asleep, and thus his story began. He was abused by the fairies until he agreed to wake the idiotic Princess up, and when he said he would do it, they took him to the castle, which much to his dismay, hidden in a mile radius of thorns. Now, instead of being logical and saying: "Fuck this, you can do it yourself", he took his sword and began hacking at the killer thorns. Just to be more difficult, he allowed himself to be captured by Maleficent and taken to her lair. While there he had sexual relations with 7 of her goblins, the crow, a wall and Maleficent herself. After he escaped, he pressed charges against her, claiming that it was rape. He earned millions of dollars after he won the case, which he spent on using the laser from the space ship Enterprise to kill Maleficent after she turned into a dragon and tried to kill him out of pure rage. He was then asked to host a prime time cooking show, which got hit ratings and managed to stay on air for 5 years. He later remembered the sleeping princess and made his way back to the castle. The hacked his way through the thorns, climbed up 500 000 000 000 000 stairs to the tallest tower of the maze they called a castle and finally found the bitch, who had conveniently stopped aging. He had to sexually abuse her to wake her up and then they had to wake the rest of the kingdom.

This proves the fact that Princess Aurora did nothing with her life but cause death and suffering. Nice job.

It was later discovered that Maleficent had not died, but infact was living in Los Angeles, California; as a man named Michael Jackson. She was prosecuted for sexual acts towards a young child; her long time habits had not ceased. She loved a long life as the King of Pop and an idol through out the world and died in 2009 of a heart attack. Satan bless her.

Death and Effect on the Kingdom[edit]

Many would consider Princess Aurora to be the kind of girl who would deserve to die. She was the kind of girl who would go, out of her way, to find the only sharp object in the entire bloody land, stab herself on it, contract a bacterial form of COMA, then lie motionless for any number of years in which only a prince (not a doctor or any other qualified professional) would be able to wake her; yes, her actions were quite idiotic. With this we can sum her up in three words: HARD TO PLEASE!

In response to her apparent demise, her kingdom took the only logical path of action: Mourn her passing, throw a funeral, and move on. Oh, no, wait, my mistake, they all decided to JOIN their somnophiliac ruler in her decades-long slumber. The surrounding economy was understandably affected: As the kingdom was a prime manufacturer of both garments and Ethiopian children, Hollywood celebrities (Such as Bradgelina and Madonna) spent less overseas, causing a miniature economic downturn in the area immediately adjoining the kingdom.

This downturn prompted an inflation of currency, devaluing both the dollar and the cow. As a result, wars were fought over food and medical supplies, with millions left dead, and millions for off for the worse.

So thank-you Aurora. Thanks a bunch.

Disney Relations[edit]

After having her soul captured by her paedophilic "fairy" friends, ownership of her being was placed into the hands of the Disney Corporation, a veritable pool of misery and despair into which all childhood fairytales are taken and bastardised (See also: Snow White, Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin).

Whilst under the slave-driving wrath of Walter "Adolf" Disney, Aurora was forced to participate in the sexual maelstrom that was the film Sleeping Beauty in which her unconscious body was left open for any sexual predator with a sword and a pile of muscles. In fact, dated records show that up to thirty-seven men, twenty-six women, a dragon, six horses and a small excitable houseplant had sexual relations with or around her semi-naked body; thus resulting in 5 children: one hermaphrodite, two children with long tails and fire breathing skills, a lobster and Ringo Starr.

While Princess Aurora never was freed from her life in both figurative and literal bondage, her children were able to succeed her quite successfully but one, most famous of all of them being the lobster who played the famous role Sebastian in The Little Mermaid, and the hermaphrodite coming in close second as the famous modern singer Lady Gaga. Ringo Starr, however, never did anything worth mentioning. At all. Ever. If you think you know, you're wrong.