Princess Peach
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“Unfortunately, upon reaching the innermost dungeon of the castle, I was informed that my prince[ss] was in another castle.”
“Did you say "Princess Pietsch?"”
~ German Gamer on Princess Peach
{{Q|Wait are you comming on to me?!| Red Fang the seviper says before he got raped by Peach.
Princess Peach (July 11, 1968-January 10, 2012), is the sexy slut of Mushroom Kingdom who always gets herself kidnapped and likes it. The daughter of the former Mushroom King, her capture was the basis for the video game, Super Mario Brothers.
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[edit] History
[edit] Early life
Growing up, she came to sympathize with her father's lack of compassion for the working class. Due to her father's brutality, Peach also came to sympathize with her father's need to quash any hope of rebellion. In several cases, noted below, she actually led assaults against rebel encampments. At the age of 6, she killed her first peasant. This old beggar woman had merely had the nerve to ask the Princess for a coin. The beggar smudged the Princess' shoe, and Peach immediately had her executed in the streets. This would not be the first time that blood soiled Peach's white gloves. In 1956, she oversaw the Spiny Genocide in Pipe Land. Despite her young age, she seemed to delight in watching the spinies be tossed into the lakes. At the age of 23, she was officially named her father's Secretary of War. Peach would lead her mushroom soldiers on a bloody campaign. The goal of this military action was the ethnic cleansing of the so-called Koopas.
Believe it or not, but Princess Peach used to be a man. Her name was Bob "Peach" Harris, a mailman. His nickname was Peach because of his skin color. "Peach" Harris had a sex change, so he lost his penis, and became Peach Toadstool.
[edit] Teenage years
“Peach the bitch? Well, of course I remember her, she is a legend”
~ Peach's friends on Peach
At a young age Peach had a huge responsibility. Not only did she have to run the kingdom and watch out for the kidnappers but she was beautiful. It truly is not easy being beautiful or the number one whore in the state, or being rich and powerful. Her first kidnapper, Donkey Kong, was a brutish rape. The girl didn't have an easy start. After being rescued by Mario (who was at least 15 years older than her) she was forced into marriage at a young age. Things got worse from there. Peach tried to deal with Mario but he had extensive drug use and was selling mushrooms to minors. Peach herself ran the kingdom, took care of political problems, and with the power of 1,000,000 bitching housewives, also took on the role of the bitchy housewife. Finally her bitchiness drove Mario to wits end and he bitch slapped her. This caused her to run away and enter the clutches of the feared Bowser!!! Mario, realizing what a mistake he had made went after her and saved her from the demented Bowser. But Bowser wouldn't give up. He returned and kidnapped Peach again and again. Luckily Mario saved her each time but it still had some lasting effects on Peach's sanity.
While in Bowser's clutches Peach was subdued to harsh beatings and one night stands with the guards. Bowser himself never forced Peach to do anything "sexual" he was too much of a wimp. Peach got so sick of being kidnapped that she went into hiding several times, it never worked though because, lets face it, Peach was bad at hiding, a pillow is not an undercover disguise.
[edit] Koopa Kleansing
The ethnic cleansing sex that began in 1963 had one simple goal. To eliminate the Koopa Klan that had non-violently opposed the Mushroom King's regime. Unfortunately, the current Koopa King, Bret "Hitman" Hart, had taken refuge in Dark Land. This place was heavily barred from anyone that dared enter. Any Koopas that dared to make themselves known in Mushroom Land were sent away to the Concentration Camp at Desert Land. Many of them were fed to an Angry Sun, and still others were executed by Hammer Brother. It is said that over 30,000 Koopas died in the first two years of the Koopa Kleansing.
[edit] The Fall of the Mushroom King
By 1972, over 1.5 million Koopas had died at the hands of Princess Peach. Her father became known as King Genocide, or The Butcher of Grass Land. However, events unseen to Peach were occurring in Dark Land. For it was at this time that Carrie Underwood became the new Koopa King. Underwood recalled all available Koopas and double agents to Dark Land to prepare for a new type of war. With the Koopas in full retreat, Peach thought she had won. She began her violent conquests anew, sending solders out to capture Soda Lake, and even Chocolate Island. An attempt to conquer Yoshi's Island was successful as well. The Yoshis would go on to become the Mushroom Kingdom's primary form of slave labor. Princess Peach was at the height of her power. However, events that were occurring in Dark Land would soon shape the Princess' fate. The Koopas were rebuilding. After spending nine years building her forces, Carrie Underwood finally struck in 1981. The events that followed would become the basis for the video game "Super Mario Brothers." The Koopas overran the soldiers of the Mushroom Kingdom, which had become fat and complacent. They had been used to slaughtering innocents, and never having trained for actual war. The Mushroom King's regime was toppled. He, his daughter, and her 7 retainers were captured and held in dungeons for trial.
[edit] Motherhood
Princess Peach is currently expecting her first child with Mario. This is not the first time she's been pregnant, however. Back in 1991, after the events of Super Mario World, she had been raped by Dr. Robotnik and impregnated by him at the same time. This led the mushroom people, as they had never seen a vaginal pregnancy, to believe that Princess Peach became fat and was eating at Another Castle. She later gave birth to Maria Robotnik, who, soon after birth, had been adopted by Robotnik's mother as one of her own. 6 years after Maria was born, she had been kidnapped by Elmo, who, being wise, did not admit to kidnapping her, and humped in Big Bird's nest. Elmo had also gotten her pregnant, but then Princess Peach had a miscarriage and decided that she wouldn't have anymore children, until she found out she was pregnant with Mario's child.
[edit] Fortress of Fear
Peach's Fortress of Fear, established in 1988, is considered the deadliest fortress known to mushrooms. It houses many levels, several dungeons, and multiple paintings of a sinister design. These paintings are cursed with a magical hex, that sends any who touch them into a bizarre realm.
Often, dissenters to her throne have been known to be forcefully tossed into these paintings, as a means of exiling them. More often, however, her critics wind up imprisoned in the dungeons of the Fortress. A fully-stocked execution chamber is located beneath the back lawn. This chamber, with the capacity to house about 10,000 Koopas at any given time, is equipped with cyanide gas. It also features Thwomps above the room. These Thwomps crush the Koopa korpses into a meaty paste, which is then pushed through a small ventilation hole. Once there, they are sent into a storage tank, so they can be processed into food.
[edit] Hobbies
Peach's hobbies include: taking walks along the beach), collecting stamps, getting kidnapped, public hangings, golf, tennis, posing as a nurse, wrecking into other people on go-karts, looking at her reflection, writing gothic poetry, competing in no holds bared fighting competitions, baking cakes and pacing.Another one of her most loved hobbies is cheating on Mario. She has cheated on him with Luigi, Donkey Kong, Daisy, her umbrella, Samus, several unnamed minors, goombas and many more.
Princess Peach plays poker and strip poker (and Liar's Dice) every week with a selected group of individuals. This group usually consists of Princess Daisy, Lebron James, Jackie Chan, as well as his uncle and niece, Raven, Paris Hilton, and "Bootstrap" Bill Turner. Anyone who comes in contact with this group should attempt to avoid them at all costs.
Warning: Peach may look sweet and innocent but she has a new game Super Princess Peach where she kicks major ass with her emotions such as sadness, happiness, and bitchiness. Players be forewarned.
[edit] Intellect
Peach's intellectual capacity and ability to properly govern a country of anthropomorphic fungi has been brought under scrutiny on multiple occasions, mainly by the Shy Guy Democratic Worker's Movement. Noted incidents include not realizing when she's won and confusing Mario, who was raping her on a plane at the time, with a palette-swapped version of him. Historians note that in years past Peach was literate, and even able to hand-write letters in the NES font, and was often let near an oven during Home Ec. This may suggest that the Princess's is a tragic case of Alzheimer's instead of a funny case of retardation.
Since Peach was deemed legally unable to give consent, Bowser was sentenced for two years with parole. However, since Bowser owned all the dungeons, all the toad guards were brutally slaughtered when transporting him to his cell by those circular-moving disco ball thingies.
Unfortunately for her, Peach has never heard of a security system, and whenever someone mentions it, her head assplodes and she wakes up in the infirmary not remembering a thing. This explains why Bowser can so easily kidnap Peach.
[edit] Music Career
In 1995, Peach was part of a gangsta rap group called B.W.A. The names stands for bitches with attitude. It is similiar to the rap group N.W.A but with females instead.It consisted of peaches who is princess peach, Sailor Moon who both did the vocals and DJ Amy Rose It was produced by Jay-Z. In october 1995 they released an album called BITCHES FOR LIFE The rap content consisted of drugs,sex,smoking weed and prostitution.Mostly about prostitution.On many tracks Peach bragged about how many men she fucked and how tasty her pussy was,saying it tasted like Ice Cream.The rap album went gold and its single which was made in 1996 called Ice Cream stayed number 1 on the music charts for 50 years. Mostly because of the huge sexual content and peach and sailor moon being naked on front cover.It is the best rap album of all TIMMEEEEE. In 1997 when the group released thier second album,peach left the group and became a producer.she is responsible for launching the career of Lil Kim and Souljah Boy
[edit] Pornographic modelling career
During her "bad years" when Princess Peach had no money, she turned to modelling for p0rn as a temporary job. Her first movie, Princesses of the Mario Universe, starring Princess Daisy and that Rosalina, went on to become a roaring success, selling over 800,000 copies in the first week. Her second movie, Princess Peach has some Lesbian Fun with Hot Anime Babes You Don't Have A Chance With, starring that ginger-haired girl from Bleach and Sailor Moon, was also successful, selling a total of 1-million copies in 2 weeks. Princess Peach is now one of the most successful imaginary porn-stars of all time. Even more popular than the girls from 2 girls 1 cup. Princess Peach's 3rd movie, Princess of Whores, is set to be released NEVER, you pervert.
[edit] People who have kidnapped Princess Peach
- Mario
- Joseph Stalin
- Indiana Jones
- Rambo
- Lenin
- Shigeru Miyamoto
- Bowser Koopa
- Donkey Kong
- Jack Thompson
- Carrie Underwood
- Micheal Jackson
- Chuck Norris
- Carlos Mencia
- Goku
- Sailor Moon
- Sonic
- Ronald McDonald
- Kim Possible
- Mudkip
- Samus Aran
- Solid Snake
- Zim
- Jackie Chan
- Bigfoot
- Darth Vader
- Bender
- Seto Kaiba
- The Three Stooges
- Ling Ling
- Jason Voorhees
- Dr. Robotnik
- Dr. Evil
- Mr.T
- Ellen DeGeneres
- Naruto
- SigurdHosenfeld
- King Dedede
- The Burger King
- Ganondorf
- Wario
- Petey Piranha
- The Grim Reaper
- The Hulk
- Doctor Doom
- Captain N
- Flying Spahetti Monster
- Vaati
- Kraid
- Godzilla
- James T. Kirk
- Hulk Hogan
- An Evil Pig
- James Earl Jones
- Ash Ketchum
- Frogger
- Betty Boop
- Elmo
- Palkia
- Arceus, although this was just so he could give her a vasectomy.
- Delia Ketchum
- King Leonidas
- Blue Elmo, she was one of the few people who knew Blue Elmo had been behind some crimes
- Team Rocket
- Dr. Mario, that one time where Dr. Mario used her to demonstrate childbirth to 5-year-old children.
- Voltar, he raped her one time but unfortunately he passed out before he finished.
- Dora the Explorer
- Barney, he used her to teach kids the female reproductive system.
- Cthulhu
- Weebie
[edit] Discography
- B.W.A-(Bitches for Life)1995
[edit] See also
- Mario
- Luigi
- Toad
- Bowser Koopa
- Another Castle®
- James Earl Jones
- Mushroom Kingdom
- Super Mario Brothers
- Princess SP1900
- Princess KTT
- Princess Daisy
