Professor Dolores Umbridge

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Professor Dolores Jane O'riordan Umbridge, a.k.a. Hillary Clinton (her nickname is London bridges falling down, she got this name because she was the one who collapsed the bridges) is a former teacher of Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts, and she is often described as the most beautiful professor to ever teach at Hogwarts, and probalbly the fattest at the weight of 2 tons. She first appeared on the fifth year of Harry Potter's schooling, during Harry's trial for statutory rape of Ginny.

Dolores is viewed by many of the students to be one of the nicest teachers at Hogwarts. Everyone wants to be in her classes, so they can learn the art of tasteful suicide through writing on their arms. She is now deceased.

[edit] Life Before Hogwarts

During her earlier years, Dolores lived with her alcoholic, abusive father, Horace Umbridge Slughorn, and her struggling mother, Daisy Adare. Due to this, she had a rather hard childhood. She was not permitted by her father to go to wizarding school, as he thought it would make her capable of fighting back when he tried to beat her in a drunken rage, but missed repeatedly even when she started gaining tremendus weight fromthe stress. Because of this, Dolores had absolutely no schooling in magic until the age of 22, when her father died, due to complications of an abortion being performed by one of his drinking buddies after he requested one. She then got a private tutor, who helped her learn enough magic to not be shunned by the wizarding community.

Before she was assigned to Hogwarts, she accidentally stumbled into the ministry of magic during the ministry's "get yourself High day". Because everyone was high at the time, some random drunkard though she was one her students and brought her to be trained as a teacher. She usually got the worst grades, along with notes that say "I 'ate you", but because she weighed 2 tons and threatened to squash the teacher with her vagina, she was allowed to stay. she later graduated with a Z---- average once she used a constipation charm on the teachers wang.

[edit] Book

Dolores Umbridge, before her untimely demise, wrote a book that is very popular among stressed students. It was never published, as publishers were afraid it might be slightly dangerous to anyone who read it. It was never given a title. Her book was about how to commit suicide, but tastefully. The main method described in her book was taking a sharp quill, and carving out a suicide note on your arm. To this day, 1337 Hogwarts students have been recorded as using this method to kill themselves, and the number is growing every day.

Nobody is quite sure why Dolores wrote this book. It's certainly not because she wanted harm to come to her students, as in her classes, she used only the safest methods of teaching. It is often speculated that using these safe methods was so damn boring that it caused students to use the methods in her book. However, this was in no way an evil plot by her, as it was recorded in a medical journal that during autopsy, doctors found her total count of functioning neurons before death was three.

Once she realized, after about 42 tries or so, that no one was ever going to publish her book, Dolores decided she might as well distribute it among the student body. No student ever alerted a teacher about it's distribution, as even the annoying goody-two-shoes students such as Hermione Granger could appreciate the need for a good text on suicide. Though some of the other teachers surely saw it, Albus Dumbledore was recorded as saying, "The school's getting overpopulated. It's a good way to thin out the number of students we have to deal with".

[edit] Death

While she is highly esteemed among the students, Ms. Umbridge is thought to be a total slut among the teachers. This is true, as she has slept with every single male teacher ever to work at Hogwarts, even the ones who did not live in the same time as her. It is recorded that she had a long term affair with Albus Dumbledore. This eventually leads to her death, as she gets very angry when Albus tells her that he is ending the affair, and kills him. She later framed Snape for the incident, and he in turn kills her dressed as a centaur, thinking that if he's gonna get arrested for murder, he might as well fucking deserve it.