Professor McDoobie Fo Muzzle
The most brilliant fucker ever to exist Oscar Wilde 
Professor Mcdoobie Fo Muzzle, a pioneering researcher in the field of buttock surgery, is credited for discovering the cure for assholeitis. He is well-documented for his eccentric, and often lude behavior in the surgery room. In addition, he is known for owning one of the only three golden helicopters in the universe.
Professor Muzzle's illustrious career begins in 1866, in Lacrosse, Indiana, where he was illegitimately born unto a father named Joseph, and a mother by the name of Mary. Joseph divorced Mary, as he had discovered that she had been sleeping with a man Mary referred to as "Gabriel." The young Muzzle was raised by his mother until the age of 76, when he discovered, that, in fact, he had no penis. He decided to make a name for himself, by performing as a sado-masochistic stripper for the goth club Crucifixus, where he would be strapped to a cross and whipped, repeatedly. At the end of the show, he would drink vinegar, and be whipped some more. Then, the bouncers would throw dice for his expendable clothing. The proceeds always went to various community charities and organizations. After a brief stint as the postmaster general for Uganda, Muzzle began research as a physicist at Oxford University. He gave up, as he had become a coke fiend. Then, he became a communications major, as well as a crack surgeon on the side. This marked the beginning of his career as a butt surgeon.
Problems arose quickly, as Professor Mcdoobie had become chronically addicted to inhaling butt fumes from unconscious patients, unaware of what was happening. In addition, he became a chronic abuser of kitten huffing .
Then one day, he came up with the secret to curing [assholeitis], a rare and deadly rectal disintegratory disease, reported mostly in Bulgaria. He had fallen bum-first onto a plunger in the bathroom, and there he lay for 5 days, without food or water. His only source of motivation for life was a notion in his head that he could cure the disease, and his current contingency. Somehow, he got out of the mess, and patented his formula for Rectacin, a miracle drug as well as a powerful opiate. Later that day he died of internal bleeding.