- Not to be confused with Professor Stubble or Professor Subtitle.
“ALICIA KEYS IS THE GREATEST MUSICIAN WHO EVER LIVED!!!!! SHE IS THE GREATEST OF ALL THE PROPHETS, AS WELL - THE MOST WISE AND MOST HOLY FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER APPENDAGE - PICKED HER GREATNESS DIVINELY, AND DID I MENTION, SHE IS SO BEAUTIFUL, TOO!!!!! (yes, I'm still being subtle)”
Professor Subtle is the arch nemesis of Captain Obvious, which is the only thing known for definite about him (maybe). Everything else written in this article is purely conjecture. He is (possibly) responsible for numerous international catastrophes, including the spread of AIDS, Third World poverty, George W. Bush's government, New Coke and, most horrifyingly of all, you and your momma (zing!). The (possible) motives behind all his (supossedly) evil deeds are so incredibly subtle that not even he fully understands them. His powers (possibly) include the ability to morph into any shape or form of his choosing; therefore, no one knows what he really looks like. He can also become invisible at a moment's notice, and is known for his often devastating use of mind control and extreme sarcasm. Possibly.
Weather or not he is an actual Professor has been the subject of heated debate. Regarding this ongoing discussion, Captain Obvious once said "he calls himself Professor, therefore he may like being called Professor. But that doesn't mean he necessarily is a Professor. But he might be. Or maybe not."
He is also the teacher in fifth grade that wanted to rape <insert name here>.
Though Captain Obvious has emerged as Professor Subtle's main rival, the Professor has had many other foes in the past; indeed, he has been in battles with all the major superheroes (Superman, Dr. Whoopass and Jesus, for example), but he is so subtle that no-one ever noticed he was fighting them. No-one, that is, until Captain Obvious arrived on the scene and uttered the immortal words, "Oh look. It's Professor Subtle." From that day onwards it has been Professor Subtle's quest to apprehend and destroy Captain Obvious, a quest which he has utterly failed to complete due to Capt Obvious announcing Prof Subtle's arrival wherever he goes, removing the chance of a surprise attack.
Prof Subtle and a man called Arnie
Arnold Schwarzenegger is actually Professor Subtle's second cousin thrice removed and is also Professor Subtle's partner-in-crime, who helped the Professor in destroying the Sear's tower, the Great Pyramid of Giza, the Twin Towers, the White House and the Pentagon. He is very dangerous and was somehow elected governor of California, possibly through blackmail and extortion.
Before the arrival of Captain Obvious, the Professor didn't need an secret identity, because his incredible subtlety prevented anyone from noticing him. On occasion, the Professor is known to disguise himself as an even more inconspicuous loaf of pumpernickel bread, with a success rate second only to Marvin Van Buren (but no one knows it's him). However, rumour has it that, in order to ridicule his nemesis in truly ironic fashion, the identity that Professor Subtle assumed upon the start of his feud with Captain Obvious was none other than Mr. Obvious; and the Professor was so subtle about this whole affair that he has managed to convince the general public that Mr. Obvious is actually Captain Obvious' alias.
“They don't call him Professor Subtle for nothing!”
Because he went unnoticed by all the world's superheroes before Captain Obvious, Professor Subtle managed to wreak havoc on the world without hindrance (at least, he may have. But it's impossible to tell, he's far too subtle). Here are some of the catastrophes the chronicler thinks that Professor Subtle may have been responsible for:
- Snakes on a Plane
- Boer War
- Hundred Years War
- Good Charlotte's fourth album
- yo mama
- coffee revels
- Won the Game
- George W. Bush
- That website with the initials ATS
- The Lost City of Atlantis
- Big Brother
- Roman Empire
- The celestial object Pluto
- Tony Blair
- World War I
- World War II
- World War III
- Superbowl 42
- Susan Boyle's appearence
- High School Musical
- String Cheese
Possible Future Plans
To be honest, no-one knows what these will actually be. Hence, this section will be left blank until further notice. Now that I think of it, he might of done nothing.
Or.. he might be doing it right now. Possibly.
After decades of arranging for ozone-depleting chemicals to be pumped into the atmosphere, Professor Subtle's dastardly plan was foiled by Captain Obvious, who approached the leaders of the industralised world and said "This is bad, and we ought to stop it by making it illegal to do it".
The actual conversation was a bit more protracted. It went:
- Captain Obvious: This is bad. and we ought to stop doing it
- Leaders of the free world: but it makes money and people will not want to stop, for fear of falling behind their business competitors
- CO: Then make it illegal. If you do that, it will be the same for everyone.
- LOTFW: But that would be Government interference in the Free Market!
- CO: So? The entire point of having a government is to regulate people's behaviour for the common good.
- LOTFW: But the businesses community won't like it.
- CO: That's why you need to make a law. You don't need to regulate people to make them do stuff they want to do anyway.
- Killing Captain Obvious
Each time he tries to do this, Capt. Obvious says "Prof. Subtle is near". Since Prof Subt does this often, Capt Obvi (not to be confused with Capt Obli ) says this frequently.
"This is a sentence." -Captain Obvious on this sentence.