Professor T

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During WWII, Mr. T worked underground as a scientist for the United States. He developed several weapons that are still used today.

Professor T - Man of Science[edit]

Despite his hardcore life-style, Mr. T has always been very well educated. He especially enjoys the sciences, and once even taught a high-school Biology class. Around the time WWI ended, he was recruited by the U.S. Military, who, by this point, already saw another war coming. Mr. T was quick in accepting his duties. He was greeted in his new laboratory by President Harrison Ford, who was immediately pitied by Mr. T for wearing such a "cracka-ass business suit".

Shortly after officially starting, Mr. T accepted his title to be Professor, which he then referred to himself as, "Professor Mr. T," but took out the Mr. to save time.

Weapons Invented by Professor T[edit]

Before us Americans totally owned those Japanese with the atomic bombs, which were also invented by Professor T, we tried out some other methods.

Bombs[edit]

  • The Acid Bomb- The Acid Bomb, when detonated, emitted a dense fog into the air. This air then catalyzed with the surrounding air, causing it to change state from air to liquid. This liquid is highly corrosive, being 10 times more powerful than what was considered the strongest acid. As the acid comes in contact with a surface, it liquifies whatever it may have touched, and this liquid breaks apart atom by atom, completely obliterating the object. This bomb was highly effective, though each bomb could not produce high yields of acid.
  • The Angry-Cat Bomb- The Angry-Cat Bomb was one of the more genuis inventions by Professor T. This was more or less a cargo-rocket. After the bomb detonates, several hundred dehydrated cats are deployed. Each cat is immediately brought back from its state of suspended animation when the moisture in the air comes in contact with them. Apparently, this process really, really pisses off cats. The Japanese proved no match for these felines.
  • The Cheesifying Bomb- The Cheesifying Bomb does exactly what it sounds like it does. Additionally, after everything is turned into cheese, another bomb follows up shortly after carrying hundreds of rats, which then proceed to eat the cheese.
  • The Spoilt Dirty Whore Bomb- One of the largest bombs created. The "SDWB" contains half a dozen spolit whores with the exception that they no longer have their whore trappings. The whores will attempt to rub themselves against any nearby men in attempt to obtain money to buy expensive handbags etc. This frenzy of activity can go on for days thereby stalling any army. As the logisitics needed to remove half a dozen whiney dirty whores is massive.
  • The Trans-Dimensional Matter Moving Bomb- This is Professor T's greatest achievment. The "TDMM" Bomb actually created rifts in the space-time continuum, moving matter through points in space, time, and even through alternate realities. It could only be powered by an awesome amount of force, an amount of force that could only be created with the Cat-Toast Device. Unfortunately, both the cat and toast are destroyed when the bomb explodes.

Large, Two-Handed Weapons[edit]

  • The Scissor-Net Shooting Gun- This weapon functions the same as a net-shooting gun, except for a major difference. The net is actually composed of scissors that are constantly opening and closing. 9 out of 10 people were killed when this net was initially tested. The one that lived died shortly after by choking on a ham-sandwich.
  • The Anti-Matter Rocket Launcher- This deadly weapon has the ability to destroy any, and all matter. When the rocket detonates, it creates a wormhole that releases anti-matter. The anti-matter then attaches to the surrounding matter, making everything neutral, blinking them out of existace.
  • The Golem Launcher- The Golem Launcher carries inside it several component that, when brought together with stone and soil, create a giant stone golem. The golem will rip everything it sees into pieces. The effect wears off after 10 minutes, giving it just enough time to do large-scale damage.
  • The Necromancy Rocket Launcher- After the rocket explodes, it releases a gas that re-animates all corpses nearby. The corpses will simply kill other people, which in turn makes them re-animate as zombies also. The effect wears off after 30 minutes, and the corpses will return to their former state of deadness.
  • The Drop Bear Launcher- After an encounter with a drunken Australian (Ozzie) Professor T learned of the Drop Bear and acquired some for this weapon. The Launcher fires one drop bear which will proceed to rip apart any unlucky humans it encounters.

Hand Weapons[edit]

  • The Stun Gun- No, this isn't a normal stun gun. This stun gun does not deliver you an electric shock, instead, it pulls off electricity from your body. As I'm sure all you geniuses know, nerves travel through chemical signal, until it makes its way to another nerve-cell, in which case it jumps over the gap through a jolt of electricity. Professor T's stun gun takes these jolts of electricity, and absorbes them. This leaves the person paralyzed from a moment. Of course, you could continuously stun the person, leaving them unable to move through the duration of their stun.
  • The Saber of Light- It is a well known fact that this weapon was first created by Professor T. That bastard George Lucas is a damned thief. The Saber of Light functions the same way you think it does. George Lucas, again, that thieving son-of-a-bitch, did portray the weapon well in his highly known series of documentaries, Star-Wars.
  • The Electric Beaver Shaver- Though not used during the war, the Electric Beaver Shaver was used by many deprived men, who needed some way to gratify themselves. It, however, was used as a weapon when it was discovered that turning it on the "high" setting could cause an ear-drum shattering noise at an impressive 190,000 decibels. It was only turned on the "high" setting one time, as no one after that could hear if it were turned on.
  • The Crack Gun- The Crack Gun fires bullets filled entirely with compressed crack-cocaine rocks. The rocks enter the skin, and enter the blood-stream very quickly. This however, is not the main function of the gun. You see, the crack is so powerful that every addict within a 100 mile radius comes running up to the shot person. Smelling crack on the person, they rip him or her apart in search of the crack.
  • The "Ray" Gun- This gun has a wide area effect. When fired it will turn all the men in an area three city blocks into a car service attendant who's name is Ray (Sorry I store this one from The Tick)

Misc. Weapons[edit]

  • The Baked Potato Laser- This lazer is capable of rearranging all the atoms in any object, so that they are reformed into a tasty, sour-cream topped baked potato.
  • The Knife-Cutting Knife- This knife was designed to cut other knives in half. Though it worked fine, some people didn't see the point in cutting another knife in half. Those people all died of knife-related injuries.
  • The Knife-Cutting-Knife-Cutting Knife- Unlike the Knife-Cutting Knife this weapon was usefull. As not only could it cut knives in half. But if the wielder encountered an enemy who wielded the Knife-Cutting Knife the Knife-Cutting-Knife-Cutting Knife would cut the Knife-Cutting Knife in half as well.
  • The Marshmellow Grenade- This specially designed grenade, when detonated, expels compressed marshmellows. The heat of the blast melts them , causing it to form a sticky goo. The goo not only holds any object in place, but it jams radio equipment.
  • The Harlem Globetrotters- The Harlem Globetrotters were actually Professor T's first experiment with genetics. By fusing Michael-Jordanium with with BBall-Tricksium, and injecting the combination into DNA, he created the first Globetrotter.
  • Mini Mr T- After his success with the Harlem Globetrotters Professor T experimented on his own DNA, and created the Mini Mr T (AKA Mini T). Once deployed the Mini T starts a massive "I pity the fool" campaign which will reduce the enemies morale. The only known counter to the Mini T is to force him onto a plane.

Professor T creates Godzilla[edit]

Professor T created Godzilla in another attempt to slay the Japanese. After Godzilla was created, he broke out of T's lab and smashed the nearby buildings. Since it was in his genetic make-up to do so, he ventured to Japan. He still comes back every so often and wrecks up the place. Godzilla proved to be too powerful, and had to have some of his power taken away. Professor T created the TGP Ray. The TGP ray was designed to take Godzilla's powers. It was fired and hit Godzilla head on, but it required so much electricity that it melt down before it could take the bulk of Godzilla's powers.

Retirement[edit]

Though he isn't officially retired from his days as a scientist, he hasn't been in a lab in years. Normally, he just goes by Mr. T nowadays. I think, someday, he will come back and invent a few more things. As for now, I believe he will be content tossing guys out of bars every saturday night.

Prof. Thomas Oldefart[edit]

Despite obvious similarities, Professor T and Professor Thomas Oldefart are not the same person.

See Also[edit]