"Whoever wins, surely we "
|Created by||Ridley "I'm too old for this shit" Scott|
Kiefer Sutherland's Dad
|Theme music composer||Macron Straightfold|
|Country of origin||British Empire|
|Language(s)||American, English, Canadian, Australian, Welsh|
|Ripley's Believe It Or Not Scott|
|20th Century Wolf|
Prometheus is an upcoming 2012 science fiction film directed by Ridley Scott and starring Noomi Rapeface and Michael Bassfender. The film’s tagline quips, “The search for our beginning could lead to our end”. Or more accurately, “This is the best we could come up with for an Alien prequel”. That’s right, it’s an Alien prequel. Suck it up, princess.
Prometheus is particularly controversial for its refuting of the tenets of Darwinism, which explained that humans evolved from stupid monkeys climbing trees and throwing sticks into the air to be replaced by hyper advanced spacecraft. Instead, Prometheus advocates that humanity instead devolved from giant space elephants that have a penchant for creating giant statues in the likeness of the Easter Island heads, and as such it's actually perfectly fine to pay tax to a giant space elephants that have a penchant for creating giant statues (possibly of themselves) in the Cayman Islands.
A bunch of scientists discover an ancient advertisement for Predator arm cannons on Earth (according to Scott, this confirms the canonicity of the Predator’s relations with the Alien species) and head out to an alien planet under leadership by Aeon Flux. Things happen, the shit hits the fan and Michael Fassbender utters the immortal words, “Big things have small beginnings”. Early film analysts assume this is a reference to Fassbender’s earlier film Shame. Oh, yeah, Noomi Rapace undergoes an unwanted pregnancy and some four-eyed twat comes across the Space Jockey’s petting zoo enclosure, in particular the “space cobra”.
Jon Spaihts originally conceived the idea for an Alien prequel after getting high one night and experiencing an acid trip of Bowman proportions. Spaihts later removed all Alien incursions he inserted into the script (which turned out after extended analysis to be all of the scenes) for fear of a lawsuit from Fox. He then developed a treatment and sent it to Ridley Scott, who lambasted the idea and destroyed the note. However, Fox quickly paid the director an undisclosed amount and Scott quickly jumped on the Prometheus bandwagon. Damon Lindelof was hired by Scott to rewrite Spaihts’ treatment and make it less about the alien and more about prancing space elephants.
- Noomi Rapace as Elizabeth Shaw. Preachy archaeologist bitch that ends up causing the entire charade.
- Some guy as her archaeologist boyfriend. Probably will get what’s coming to him as the partner of the heroine.
- Charlize Theron as Meredith Vickers. Lurker. Possibly an atheist. (dun dun dun WHAT A TWIST!)
- Croaky guy as Peter Weyland. Trying possibly too hard to be as enigmatic as a Bond villain, and failing miserably.
- Idris Elba as the Captain. If the black guy doesn’t die first in this film, then frankly, I owe you a Coke.
- Milburn. Crazy punk with a Mohawk who gets high on pretty much anything.
- Four eyed twat. Guy who seemingly doesn’t understand the rules of the horror movie. You never, ever, say, “it’s okay” when face-to-face with a space cobra.
Prominent examples of Space Elephants.