Protestant

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A protestant bar mitzvah

Protestantism is the only Christian sect that isn't Catholicism, save the Eastern Orthodox and the United Church of Awesome (a little known Martian sect). It was created in the 1500s AD after someone pointed out that if all Catholics were christians and all Christians were Catholics, then it was really a useless distinction and we should get rid of the term. As an alternative to getting rid of one of the terms (as allegedly many Catholics are afraid of change), some Catholics wanted to make them useful after the fact by calling themselves something else. They had a meeting and decided on "Evangelical", and, well, at that point there wasn't much the abolitionists (those who wanted to remove the term Catholic and corresponding terms in non-English languages because of its redundancy) could do about it.

History[edit]

Certain sections of protestantism is prone shouting NO at random intervals, science has as yet no explanation for this although it is theorised it may be some primitive mating call. It has been noted that the group of protestants that are most prone to shouting NO also have a strong attraction to the colour orange and insist on walking in long progressions through the streets, sort of like an aggressive conga line.

Prior to 1950, the word "Dirty" was required by Catholic dogma to be placed in front of the word Protestant at all times. This practice still continues in much of Ireland and amongst the elderly residents of the urban American North-east who are not filthy Jews. Sometimes the word "filthy" is used instead of "dirty," but usually filthy refers to Jews.

The overwhelming majority of Protestants are rich, white, Republicans with no sense of humor who hate all Catholics. However, some Protestants are white-trash, while others may even be black.

Many Protestants believe Catholicism to be a foolish and superstitious religion. They also believe, however, that being pushed into a swimming pool by a televangelist in an ill-fitting wig will cure them of backache.

Major Protestant Demonimations[edit]

few sects demonstrating their agendas

Lutheranism was founded by Martin Luther King Jr. in 350BC (then hurriedly covered up when it was pointed out to him that he was pre-empting Jesus) and again 1850 years later when he had a dream that Gawd didn't like some shit that the Catlicks were doin. Martin is also famous for nailing 95 of his feces (how difficult is that?) to Winchester Cathedral, a song written by Geoff Stephens in 1966.

Anglicanism was founded when God told (I'm) King Henry VIII (I am) that he needed to start his own religion and because the Pope refused to grant him a fourteenth divorce. Many characteristics of Anglican worship closely resemble that of the Roman Catholic Church, which is why the religion is often referred to as Catholic Lite (Everything except the Pope), and marketed to women who want to avoid the inevitable weight gain associated with Catholicism. Anglicans believe they aren't Protestant but actually Catholics because of their tradition, but everyone knows this is nonsense. Anglicanism differs from other Protestant sects in that tea is generally accorded more respect than any deity. Anglicanism is currently presided over by the owner of the World's Biggest Eyebrows. Church attendance has increased fivehundredfold as a result.

Methodism was founded by two brothers named Charles and John Wesley (cousins of the well-known rapper Ron Weasley and his criminal family, Fred and George) who didn't like the Anglican or Puritan church doctrines concerning marijuana use. They travelled around the American countryside converting masses of poor people who were gonna go to hell anyway, (they weren't Catholic and possibly some were Injuns) and eventually sailed back to England for a one night boxing match against the Archbishop of Canterbury. One famous Methodist is Hank Hill.

Baptists are followers of Roger Williams who fled the Puritans (Nobody likes Puritans) in Taxachusetts (as it was known at the time) to found Rhode Island. Now, they're ain't none of them left in little Rhody, since the Guineas and Micks have taken it over. Baptists hold beliefs that are almost identical to those of Methodists, and in fact, the only differences between the two sects is that Methodists can read, whilst Baptists lack the ability to do so and believe everyone is going to hell including themselves.

Presbyterianism was founded by John Knox aka Johnny Knokville circa 1550 or maybe 1923 (i forget which but its definitely one of them) and brought to the land of Sheep Fornication, which was later renamed Scotland (for its love of Scott's toilet paper, as well as Mary Queen of Scots who pioneered its usage by using more than one single sheet to wipe away faeces from the anus, preferring to pull several sheets off the roll and bunch them together, to avoid penetration by turds.) Presbyterianism requires that all its members be assholes, and never laugh at anything. Many settled in the Appalachian Mountains and duly started families within their immediate family.

Dogma[edit]

In Southern Baptist theology, Darkies are relegated to the status of semi-elect.

There are 11 protestant dogmata:

1. There is no dogma.

2. You do not talk about Jesus Club.

3. You DO NOT talk about Jesus Club.

4. Church service is on 10 o'clock.

5. CAN I GETTA HALLELUJAH?

6. Church service ends when everyone wakes up.

7. HALLELUJAH!

8. God loves Mr. T more than you.

9. Protestants believe five is equal to three, so there are five extra dogmas. No, that doesn't make sense. At all. Protestants do not abide the laws of mathematics. They think it's a papist-satan-worshipping-heathen-bloody-gay-bastard thing.

10. JESUS LOVES YOU!

11. CAN I GETTA A-MEN?

12. A-MEN!

Sola Scriptura[edit]

Protestants see the Bible, which they believe was written by God, as a pretty reliable source of information, at least on theological matters. This is of course restricted to the 66 books in the Protestant canon, not including the 7 other books in the Roman Catholic, Eastern Orthodox, or any other form of Christian canons that were clearly added on centuries before Protestantism even existed, by corrupt church councils that were obviously swayed by their wicked ways to form an erroneous 73-book canon—with exception to the aforementioned 66 books, those are swell of course. Having lost the furtherly canonical Table of Contents which cements their argument, most Protestants cite the fact that Jews also do not accept the 7 questionable books in their respective scripture; and, as a practice, good Christians should be loathe to recognizing anything as canon that the Jews do not recognize as well. Other arguments for faith in the 66 books alone is due to the fact that they themselves are faith-inspiring, every single one of them making constant reference to God and each echoed in the New Testament. This is in contrast to the wicked Apocrypha, which have no correlating New Testament verses. God's set, divinely inspired canon is definitely those 66 books.

Strengths and Weaknesses[edit]

Strengths:

  • They speak in tongues - Evidence: "Hooah gooleie goboe jowbeopowow noobahdewa lalala Jeeeeeeeesus!"
  • They can kill ten people and go to heaven - Evidence: "Sola Fide, Biatch! Take that, silly God."
  • Their leaders can have sex with people. - Evidence: Mr. Pastor screams, "Ohh, Fabio!"
  • They have an average IQ of 30 - Evidence: "Hooah gooleie goboe jowbeopowow noobahdewa lalala Jeeeeeeeesus!"
  • They fart from their mouths - Evidence: "Hooah gooleie goboe jowbeopowow noobahdewa lalala Jeeeeeeeesus!"
  • They believe in Jesus and Jesus loves you...enough said.
  • They can have sex with young boys and get away with it.
  • They tend to not worship a statue but in fact, worship bonnets.

Weaknesses:

  • They fall down when touched by televangelists.
  • They have a collective brain defeciency.
  • speaking in tongues is a sign that someone is possessed.
  • shouting and ranting about hell (this is true for Baptists).
  • condemning people while they preach sinners are forgiven.
  • liberals, feminists, gays/lesbians and secular progressives.
  • They leave home at age 30.
  • They're protestant enough said.

The holy Church-Christ Army of Protest[edit]

In 1955, due to The Troubles back in gay old Ireland (A subset of (NOT!*)Holy Roman England). The protestants got pissed. And I mean REEL (spoken in southern drawl) pee-assed (Which is Southern English for 'pissed'). And when a protestant gets REEL pee-assed. Well..

Not even the NUNS! can stop them!.

So basically, in order to protect THE ONE TRUE TENET OF CHRISTIAN FAITH they sent a delegation of messengers over to TWO key locations which currently supply all troops for the The Holy Church-Christ Army of Protest...

  • Sing Along N' Dance All Black Gospel Praise Choir Church on Roughinshod St. Mississippi.
  • And The Westboro Baptist (UberMilitant) Church.

The messengers, after telling of gods wishes, (and promising sex to Freddy Phelps and a new speaker system for the Sing Along N' Dance church.) Acquired permanent contracts to extract ANY congregation member (Pastor and Pastor's Bitch excluded) AT RANDOM at ANY time (Excluding Easter, Christmas, Mecha-Christmas) and, utilizing these sources accumulated a vast and powerful army in the name of Church-Christ (It's Church-Christ, Not piss christ, rememeber that). And subsequently invaded evil Catholic France and TOTALLY raped Joan of Arc's ass.

For the main article on the exploits of The holy Church-Christ Army of Protest see The holy Church-Christ Army of Protest. Also Catholics lost and became a persecuted religious group just like the Jews.

See also[edit]

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