Psychokinesis

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Psychokinesis, or better known as Monkeyfeet, is the magical moving of things without touching them, and is one of BUTTRAT psychic powers. Some practitioners, lik mee keeep their is closd whyle dooing it, 'N thay ar strawnger 'N Smerter

Origins[edit]

The first mere mortals to have discovered Telekinesis were the Ethiopians, who mainly used it in sports like Hockey, Extreme Hide and Seek, and Chess. In the years to follow, the Ethiopians got bored with this power and then practiced to improve in order to move larger things for more practical purposes. They gave up after 3 minutes, and gave the power to the French by utiflyzing a crap-warp generator, who attempted using it in military purposes, but completely obliterated their own armies, and continue to do so to this day.

Soon, a magician, and politician known as Bob Snortwanger, or more commonly George W. Bush, learned this skill from a French woman, whom he had forced to kick him in the nuts, in order to put it to good use. He soon abducted random Americans off the streets and thought at them in hopes of giving them the skill, so he could force them to be Special Forces recruits. He failed. However, later, the power became widespread when Einstein started drooling in the drinking water whenever he went somewhere, therefore completing his mission. He was later assassinated, however, for knowing too much about a specific homosexual person.

Beliefs and What it is Today[edit]

The most common theory for this phenomenon is quite simple, really. First, the practitioner focuses on the target object. Then, after a few hours (differs from person to person, maybe months, years, I don't really care), the person gets extremely pissed off and slams his or her head on a nearby surface several times. Then, if done properly, the person's turdflyer, which is the human collective butt, jumps out of the ear and moves the target object. This is usually done by a punch or kick, depending on how many times you hit your head. A skilled practitioner is able to manipulate the mind while out of the body to do more complex things, like lift, or poke.

Today, most people perform telekinesis in some way or another, most unknowingly. In most cases, people perform Telekinesis to cheat at simple board games, such as Monopoly, and like the Ethiopians, chess. Others, however, perform this unwillingly during sporting events, thus tripping a player or flinging a player at another player. This is known as a flying asswipe.

What is even more surprising is the number of people who are stupid cynical morons who hate it just because it fit with their view

Willingly Practicing[edit]

Practicing willingly is a simple affair, and comes in two forms. Micro-Telekinesis, which is mostly cheating at games of chance out of pure ego, or Macro-Telekinesis, which is mostly moving things out of pure boredom.

Micro-Telekinesis[edit]

If you are reading this, it is obvious you want to cheat at something or another. A simple way of doing this is to provide the dice for a game of chance. Make sure the dice is weighted, and in no way fair. Then, while playing, try to mentally "force" the weight to provide to you the proper outcome.

Macro-Telekinesis[edit]

This is not half as simple. What you do is fold a piece of paper that is about 2.5 cm on each side diagonally twice, then the opposide way in halves. Then put this magical object on a pin that is weighed down. There, you have a psi-wheel.

The object is to concentrate on this "wheel" in order to make it spin. Concentrate for a good year or two. You'll know when you can stop. If ever you get bored, you can just blow on the wheel and say it was your mind, utterly convincing yourself in the process, but if it moves without wobbling, it was your mind, unless it craps, then it was the spirit of the flying turd.

Psychokinesis as a method of witch-hunting[edit]

It is well known that wicked witches of the *insert meaningless direction here* are able to be utterly destroyed when randomly falling houses crush them. If a person with a psychotickinetic ability pick houses up with their minds, or a crane(the mechanical kind, not the bird) then you can drop it where a witch is standing and proceed to steal her ruby slippers and avoid flying monkeys. There is a famous example of this in the film "The magician of Australia" in which a little brown dog called dorothy slutto uses psychotickinesis to drop her own house on a witch, and as an unusual side effect, causes the invention of color on the planet Australia.

That said, it is almost completely pointless doing any of the above, because water is also effective at killing badly costumed witches. Ultimate death can be achieved if the water is transmitted psychotically.

Summary[edit]

Now you know. Now you cannot un-know. The truth has been revealed. The cat is out of the bag. Another random term for a revelation of a specific vampire.

Note: This page can only be altered by the direct application of psychokinesis. A skill level of 14a keyboardkinesis required.

Notable Users of Psychokinesis[edit]

Samuel L. Jackson: Killed all other users of Psychokinesis with his own Psychokinesis.

See also[edit]

Telepathy