Puerto Rico
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Ah...yes, Hunter S. Thompson and I used to go down there sit in Isla Verde with a good cup of rum, score some weed en La Perla, then head to Shannon's at night to pick up a chamaca. Good Times, Good Times. ”
~ Oscar Wilde on Puerto Rico
“Jojito Es Bien Maricon!!!”
~ Jorge Seijo on Jojito (whoever the hell this is)
“We are American citizens, but we are not Americans.”
~ An average Puerto Rican's favorite saying
“Cubans, Dominicans and Haitians are all mafiosi, bandits and killers!”
~ an elderly Puerto Rican lady explaining to tourists that it is not the angelic Puerto Ricans who create all the problems on the Island
“The best Marine lovers in the universe are Puerto Rican women!”
~ Ronald Reagan on glutius maximi
“The gayest place on earth..like little whores selling themselves to the US..most hated country in Latin America..hated on because they make fun of other Latin American Country cause they're not whores who sell themselves to other countries”
“IF you dont believe how much PR's are into themselves just read their newspapers (specially el Nuevo Dia) nuff said'!!!”
~ Captain Obvious on Puerto Rico
“Filled with -really- hot, scandy loving chicks. I love this place”
~ Dane on Puerto Rico
“Where else can you spend all day at the beach drinking rum and looking at hot chicks and then go to bed that night knowing you can wake up, go to the beach to spend the day drinking rum and looking at hot chicks the next morning?”
~ Every white guy who lives in Puerto Rico on Puerto Rico
“Progress Island U.S.A.”
~ MST3K on Puerto Rico
| align=center colspan="2" | style="background: none;" | |
| ||
| Motto: "Yanqui, si no Te Vas, en Borinquen Moriras ". | ||
 .
Location of Puerto Rico | ||
| Official language | Spanglish. | |
| Capital | Bieke | |
| Governor | Filiberto. | |
| Highest Elevation | Las tetas de Cayey. | |
| Currency | Penepes y populares. | |
| Exports | Nalgas y Tetas | |
| Religion | Perreo, a few Jews and the rest dedicated to the Latin Kings. | |
| Largest Cities | Bronx, Chicago and Orlando. | |
Puerto Rico is an island located due South-east of Florida. Since the early 1900s it has received welfare checks from the United States of America which has kept it afloat. Without those checks it would be an even bigger pile of shit then it is now. Don't think you won't get lost when traveling to Puerto Rico; its 100x35 miles are enough to make you get lost for an entire day without finding your way out. Puerto Rico is a little island that Cristopher Colombus built on his seventh journey to the Caribbean by burying a bunch of old appliances and junked jeeps with sand and rocks taken from the Dominican Republic, as he needed a place to stash his gold, drugs ,alcohol and to hide the bodies of dead hookers. It is said that Puerto Rico means "we eat pork with rice and beans", where "puer" means pork, and "rico" stands for rice and beans. Homer Simpson and Milhouse call the island "Home".
Contents |
[edit] People
Puerto Rican people are anyone who was born on the Island or one whose parent(s) have been born on the Island. There is no way to become a naturalized Puerto Rican, only a naturalized Gringo because the Island is US territory. Immigrants wishing to be naturalized can proceed to the local Federal building, take an oath and walk out as New Americans into sunlit streets filled with graffitis- "Yankee go home!", "Viva Puerto Rico", "US Out!", etc,. It is all meant to make you feel truly American because the locals do not.
The Puerto Ricans are a mixture of Africans, Amerindians and Spaniards and are darker as they get poorer and lighter as they get richer. In the exact opposite to the Mainland US, the poor people are non racist and often have different color kids in the same family while the rich try to be as white as possible and look down on those who are nappy -haired and darker. Those who live in good neighborhoods also look down on those who live in bad areas. Your address means a lot to Puerto Ricans. The best jobs of the Island are also for those who look as white and as straight-haired as a Puerto Rican can possibly look. Because there are not many blonds in Puerto Rico, they bring effeminite actors from Argentina although they can hardly understand what they are saying even though the same Spanish is supposedly spoken.
The people are both religious, and money-hungry at the same time. Girls are supposed to be virgins before they get married but most will give their virginity to a guy with a fancy car and a nice job, no matter how disgusting a guy may be. Other people go to church to ask for a million dollars to help their poor children and continue believing fervently even if their request has been denied.
There are more women than men in Borinquen, and many men become gay, but it does not mean that the women are easy to get. You need to have money, a car and a good job to be able to date those women. You can be as old as ugly as fat and smelly as you can be but if you have a job + a car + money, you can have a princess quality girl there. Actually Puerto Rican girls are the only girls in Latin America , if not the world, who are taught by their mothers to prefer ugly men to handsome ones. Ugly men with money, that is. Nothing spoils the quality of women as too many dollars in the economy would.
Socially Puerto Ricans are pleasant people except that they turn into demonic, fire-spewing ogres if you try and look for a job there. Jobs of Puerto Rico are for Puerto Ricans only. And a Puerto Rican is the one born there or whose parents were born there. Try and take them to court if they discriminate against you on the job market and good luck to you! However, PRicans like to whine and cry about how they are discriminated against in other lands, especially in the USA. They can still get jobs in the USA ( provided they are educated) and have a great life there where they live like the only US-citizen-non-Americans the country has. A mainlander in Puerto Rico however can just forget it. And God forbid if you are a Dominican or a Haitian. These are treated as subhuman slaves by Puerto Ricans.
[edit] National Traditions
There are two-
1) Yankee Bashing
If you are tall and blond and have a name like Smith or Brown or Johnson, you will occasionally attract a wacko revolutionary who will shout "Yankee Go Home!" write anti American slogans on walls and flip birds at you. If your Spanish is bad or you have an accent you will get occasional hateful looks from leftist locals. The most ironic thing is that you can be a Canadian or an Englishman and the Puerto Ricans are US citizens but you are not! And they hate you for being a Yankee, whereas it is THEM who are Yankees if you think of it.
The other national tradition that even outshines the traditional Yankee Bashing is called
2) Brown-Nosing-the-Gringo.
If you are tall and blond and have a name like Smith or Brown or Johnson, you will also immediately attract a group of distinct locals who will be following you everywhere and falling in line behind you everywhere you go. Do not be alarmed, they are getting ready for yet another traditional ceremony of Gringo worship. They will now try and take down your pants, although not to anally rape you, but just to compete among themselves to kiss and lick your buttocks, stick their noses up your rectum, and inhale the digestive fumes of their Gringo God. Some will be trying to perform the rimming ceremony with their tongues, but they are not gay, they just love the Americano so much, feel so inferior to your Anglo culture, and are so afraid you will stop sending them dollars and revoke their US citizenship, that they will do anything to preserve the Holy Union between their miserable tiny island and your great Superpower Land up North. If you are a Canadian or an Australian, you will still have a couple of noses stuck up your anus, anyway, since you look American enough to the local people ( who are US citizens, while YOU are not).
[edit] Language
Puerto Ricans speak in their native tongue called "Spanish", or Spick!!!!!
Some common puerto rican phrases:
- "Que es la que hay?" - "Hi!" and there's also the "Que la que?" which is the new way of saying "hi"
- "Cabron!" - Common pronoun, used to describe any person, or thing.
- "Tas jodio"- "You're fucked."
- "PUÑETA!!!" - ouch!
- "Mano, q notaaaa!" - "I'm high.".
- "tengo un iPod" - I have hiccups
- "Diaaalo mano"- Devil hand
- "Fokin' mierda!" - "fucking shit!".
- "ese tipo es patooooo!"-the quintessential straight man
- "Carajo" - "DAMMIT!"
- "Vete pal carajo" - "have a nice day!."
- "Piyo!!!!!" - A term used to describe any government official, law enforcer, underground pharmacist, and any individual involved in utility maintenance
- "Acho manooo!!!" - Awww hand
- "Me cago en nah"- "I shit on nothing"
- "Filiberto vive!"- we love usa!
- "Parkin'" - Ponce
- "Saoco, papi, saocooo"- dad, I'm horny
- "Loco men!" - "Dude!"
- "Que mal te va" - "You fail"
- "Que clase e pencaaa!!!" - "That girl looks good"
- "BAYAAA" - "I'm horny"
- "Ulysses"* fuck you puerto rico rocks ur jusst mad cuz our girls r hot as fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- "El Punto"- Pharmacy
- "Bugarron"- Homo
- "TECO" - "I really dont know what this means"
- "Hazme Cafe" - What's for dessert ?
- "Viole a tu mai ayer por la noche cabron y a ella le gusto un cojon!"- "Lovely weather we've been having!
- "Tu eres un pelagato cabron" - Im lost and i dont know where am I
- "Un Premio" - response for when one is asked "what's that"
- Quieres un MUFFIN? - Good for You.... Does not Matter
- "Me cago en tu madre" - I like you
- "Mamame el BICHO"!!! - I Really Like YOU :P
- "Te voy a pegar un tiro cabron!!" - It was nice meeting you
[edit] Flag
Puertorican flag is like any other flag, except the cuban flag.
[edit] Notable People
The Gatix Hunter- notable predator, seeking young very very attarctive preys. Leader of the Gatix tribe, commonly known as Rouolfo "El Gatix"
Diaz. He drives Gatix Mobile, and ives in a Gatix Cueva.
Adrian "Chimpmunk" Diaz Julio Cabral- considered "el bellaco mas cabrón de Puerto Rico" Tito Playa- tiniest man in the island Santoni- biggest crack head in Puerto Rico Erick Castillo- illegal mexican. alien Gabo Vazquez- bisexsual pedofile Edwin Ortiz- know to be fat (400 pounds) J-J- afro head midget pinguin Alberty- know for his silky smooth hair and seductive voice, founder of TreSemé Lauri"El Feto" Renta- has a shrieking voice. commonly know as, El Feto, which means unborn baby. Glenn Ojeda- homosexual undercover as a wannabe pope. Stephanie Hillebrand- latest victim of the Gatix Hunter's wrath.
[edit] Political Status
Puerto Rico's status resembles that of a wealthy colony except that it is not officially acknowledged. Puerto Ricans see themselves as an Associated Free State- an independent Latin American country that has a special relationship with the USA, while mainland Americans see Puerto Rico as a US Commonwealth that has not yet become a state but as soon as they learn English, they will. Both mainland Americans, and Puerto Ricans are happy while maintaining these two distinct delusions about the status of the Island. Purto Ricans have a "country" and a "nation" while Americans on the Mainland are happy to know that there is a place in the Carribean that is territory of the USA. The world, though, treats Puerto Rico as part and parcel of the US in political, commercial and other such terms.
Puerto Rico is full of youthful dreamers who want it to become fully independent, but these are 'youthful' dreams only. Once they graduate and see how sweet US dollars can be, how nice it is to have a US passport that 90% of the world would kill to have and how great it is to be able to get all these benefits from the US government, they change their tune pretty quickly. In additon to that, there are not many good jobs available for vocal "Independentistas". No job means no money, no money means no girl, no family. Ouch!
But becoming a US State requires that they learn English and pay federal taxes. Ouch! It hurts! And who wants to learn English? It is such a tedious undertaking! Why not sip some Bakardi rum, dance some salsa and talk about independence instead? So much more pleasant! So, most people prefer the status quo of having such a unique double-flag land that is unlike any other. Being a 'colony' also gives a sense of martyrdom to many a young person with nothing to do.
Puerto Ricans still view the not so complex relationship between them and the Mainland as a relationship between two cultures- the , tall, blond, blue- eyed US-born Anglo John Smiths and the brown, short, Latino Jose Rodriguez Puerto Rican. The fact that the USA is now an enormous melting pot of all races and cultures somehow eludes an average Puerto Rican. Also, when they look at how badly other lands where Jose Rodriguezes live do politically and economically, they realize that being a 'colony'of cold hearted John Smiths is not such a bad thing after all.
[edit] History
All its Native Indians ("Taínos") were terminated with extreme prejudice by the Spaniards, with notable exceptions such as gorgeous Talisa Soto and an airhead television hostess nicknamed "La Taína" Noris Diaz who appears in a Puerto Rican TV show. Unlike their brethren, both Taina and Talisa were able to survive venereal diseases. The Spaniards named the island Puerto Rico and officially declared that all the people in it who were not white would receive the title of "Puerto Ricans".
During the five centuries of Spaniard domination, Puerto Ricans had many diverse roles in the island: some were slaves, some served as the Spaniards' boytoys, and others didn't care what they had to do as long they could drink coffee in the morning and rum the rest of the day, a custom still steadfastly held by a large segment of its modern population. In between drinks, islanders did forced labor in the gold mining, coffee, and sugar cane industries.
Americans soon realized that these humble folk could also work for them as long as they kept coffee and rum plentiful, so they docked a battleship in Cuba, blew it up, blamed Spain, and then proceeded to kick their asses back to Europe and claim for themselves Cuba, Puerto Rico, and some oriental folks who speak English and have Spanish names. After taking over, the Americans misspelled the island Porto Rico and ratified that all who weren't white and didn't speak any English would thus hold the title of "Porto Ricans".
Years later the Americans suddenly realized their spelling error, and after discarding the idea of naming the island Pelican Wharf, renamed it once again Puerto Rico.
During the five decade long period of total American control, Puerto Ricans held many diverse roles in the island: some were soldiers, some were maquiladora workers, and others didn't care as long as they could drink coffee in the morning and rum, whiskey, and beer the rest of the day and receive financial assistance so they could attend college and smoke pot and drink; customs still steadfastly held by a large segment of the modern population.
Today, the island is considered Puerto Rican for olympic and beauty pageant purposes, American for Pell Grant, Social Security, and government aid purposes, and Latin American for cultural purposes (except by the rest of Latins). Also, foreign for Dell PC internet sales purposes, American for Gateway PC internet sales purposes, very very poor for population welfare purposes and very very prosperous for corporate welfare purposes.
In due appreciation of his inability to pay Federal income taxes and in recognition of his legendary appetite for Pot, entertainer Willie Nelson was recently named an Honorary Puerto Rican.
Paulo Coelho with Mexican vocabulary - Dis cracka don't know sheeit 'bout Puerto Rico. I do know one thing though, he's a puto redneck, ese.
[edit] Partido Popular Democrático
All of the followers of the PPD party great Mens in eception wiht the PNP that are the MGP(Most Gay People)in Puerto Rico.
[edit] Crime
The worst criminals in the Island are governors. Corruption was introduced by former governor Luis Muñoz Marín, then Manuel "El gallina que se juye" Hernández Culón, Carlos "The Horse" Romero Barceló Pedro "The Messiah" Roselló, Aníbal Salvador "Pupi" Acevedo Vilá who has 24 criminal accusations under his belt including forgery, corruption (stealing money to get his boobs done and for hair transplants too)and money washin', and discontinued by the actual governor Luis "Milhouse" Fortuño, former resident commissioner to the U.S., millionaire who spares money to give to the poor (i.e. ex-governator Anibal "Puti" Acevedo Viló who doesn't have a house because he had to sell it to get the money to pay for his 500$/hour lawyers) and donates to many non-profit organizations around the world including, "Save the Porto Ricaans from Hannibal Cannibal Cebedo Bila". Luis Fortuño is considered the savior (also "the most famous") of all puerto ricans from the horrors of the ex-governator Anibal. Anibal Acevedo Vila is the most widely known corrupt governor in the island. He uses tax-payer money to buy very expesive and fine suits that range from $10,000 to $50,000. Айібаг Коммциіѕта!
Leaving aside the political corruption, let's talk about street crime, robberies, rapes and other such things of whom there are aplenty. Never even for a moment believe that it is Puerto Rican people that commit those heinous acts. Not even one member of that benevalent race is capable to say "boo" to a goose or hurt a mouse. The fact that the most dangerous gangs in New York are Puerto Ricans is unfounded! They are non Puerto Ricans who pretend to be Boricuas.
Then who does commit these crimes, you may ask?
It is is the traditional three despicable enemies of Puerto Rico that do that by sending their saboteurs to sow discord and terror on the Island and into NY neighborhoods populated by peaceloving Puerto Rican scientists, philantropists and living saints and virgins. These enemies are the contemptful excuses for countries such as Cuba, Dominican Republic and Haiti. These three backward shitholes envy the fact that the friendly, prosperous and innocent angels- Puerto Ricans- are US citizens and are rich and handsome because of that. Therefore, they ship off their worst criminals to the Island ( and to NY) to kill, maim, rape and pillage the poor Boricuas. Among recent arrivals there have even been Colombians who are out to get the poor PR-cans. Not one Puerto Rican has ever commited a crime since Columbus set foot on the Island! It is all these outsiders!
There are just too many foreigners in Puerto Rico and as soon as these have been deported, the erotic duo of two lovey-birds -The Boricua and the Gringo will continue their dance together in a peaceful embrace consummating their civilized and harmonious union to the soft croaking of Coqui. Long live innocent Puerto Rico! Long live our Superior Masters- the Majestic Gringos! Even if their derriers have dingleberries hanging from them, we will still be kissing them just to show how much we love our Yankee Lords, and how much we deride the non-US national scum's presence in our Garden of Eden.
Down with ugly foreign criminals and others who are not US citizens! These deserve nothing but scorn and quick removal from our holy lands!
[edit] Government
What government? In addition to boasting the largest number of Miss Universes per fast food joint, all of which have their own puta record before achieving the title, Puerto Rico is the first democracy to have elected a Homer Simpson look-alike as governor, in 2004, and Milhouse(Luis Fortuño) as the High Comissioner. Back in 2000, Puerto Rico also established a trend by electing a she-male governor (Sila Calderon). And after the 2008 election results, Puerto Rico will be the first island to have a 3.8 million drop in the population when all of its residents move to Orlando (a small, yet highly populated town south of Russia) due to the best government administration of all times. Puerto Rico has also been rumored as becoming the sixth borough of New York City and adding Hammond Indiana as an official town in Puerto Rico.
[edit] Fortaleza
The Governor's Mansion. Located somewhere between Arecibo and Humacao. This building resembling an oversize White Castle joint was supposedly built by the Spaniards to protect the Head of State from all enemies, but everybody knows in reality it was a good crib for chillin' and keeping pimpin' rides. In modern times, it has been used as an orgy-party place.
[edit] Puerto Rican Fun Facts
- Spanglish is the primary language of Puerto Rico.
- Beisbol is their favorite sport, but Basquetebol is even bigger and none of them care for futbol (but Mexicans do).
- In Puerto Rico, no matter what road you take, you will ALWAYS make it to the beach...
- ...and the bar.
- Puerto Ricans Capitalize Words With Little Or No Meaning.
- A Puerto Rican can call you 'Sir' and 'motherfucker' in the same sentence.
- Puerto Rico was discovered before the spaniors by Dick Cheney
- Ya tu sabes, sigue derecho y ahi esta.
- Directions will always be given by colors and shapes, not names or numbers.
- Most of the times directions will get you to the same place.
- Papi eso ta cangri!!
- Puerto Ricans always eat arroz con gandules, lechon y pasteles on Christmas.
- With the only UPR recinto que no se llama recinto con el nombre del pueblo, si no Colegio.
- And best of all, there's an exhibit of them in the Bronx zoo.
- Puerto Ricans do not pay Federal income tax.
- Leona Helmsley and Willy Nelson are honorary Puerto Ricans.
