Pulatsovania is the name of the conquered territory that was once known as Mexico. However, due to his overwhelming boredom, the great Samurai Pope Benito Enrico Pulatso decided to invade the territory and claim it as his own. Parka simply lurked.
Upon completion of his 13 minute crusade, he renamed the land Pulatsovania in honor of himself, and renamed Mexico City "Margaritaville", seeing as how often everyone there is totally fuckin' hammered.
For more details about Pulatsovania, please see below
- 1 Geography
- 2 Government
- 3 Economy
- 4 Military
- 5 Culture
- 6 Parka
While the land was previously thought to be somewhat of a barren, desert like wasteland, Benito quickly changed the landscape into a fertile crescent. Only more of a...curled...talon shape. He did this by getting hammered and tripping and falling. He cracked his head on a large rock and bled quite badly until he used a chiuahuah to plug the wound.
It turns out, the blood of the Samurai Pope, when infused with the power of scotch, is the most powerful fertalizer known to man.
The only unsightly part of Pulatsovania are the borders with other nations. This is due to the relative "No Man's Land" he's created to control incoming and outgoing populations. The term "No Man's Land" refers to the area between trenches on WWI battlefields that was a veritable stretch of death. When asked about this, Benito simply replied: "WWI battlefields were nothing compared to what I've got. Cockroaches die trying to cross. I shit you not"
Pulatsovania is ruled with an iron fist by Benito Enrico Pulatso, Lord Protector and Dictator For Life. After a brief peasant revolt was quelled (followed by a pheasant revolt and a chicken riot), the conquered indiginious masses fell in line because they knew what was good for them.
In the abscence of Benito, any member of the Samurai Council may make executive desicions in his place, including, but not limited to: Levying taxes, issuing executive writs, declaring war, establishing a draft, harrasing the secretary, declaring martial law, declaring martian law, feeding freely from the executive's fridge, fondling Tommy in an intimate way, forcing the population into prositution, and declaring minor holidays. Should no member of the Samurai Council be available, Mr. T wins.
In addition to the executive branch, their is a legislative branch (two guys named "Earl" and their dog, Ringo) and a judicial branch (Benito wearing a powdered wig).
It should be noted that at the moment, Pulatsovania is the only nation in existance practicing an All-Samurai form of government.
Biography: Benito Encrio Pulatso
The Reverend Professor Benito "Enrico" Pulatso, King of the Druids, Keeper of the Cheese, Samurai Pope, General of the Hungarian National Guard, and Lord Protector and Dictator For Life of Pulatsovania is, without a doubt, the most good, generous, kind and humble of any evil, greedy, cruel and meglomaniacal despot north, south, east ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNND west of the Pacos!
His wife is Amy.
Ben holds several degrees of varying levels from Crazy Go Nuts University, or so he tells us. But I can say with great authority that you will not find someone more educated in the ways of Total Spaceship Guy than our Lord and Protector. At least, that's what he tells me.
Pulatsovania, has a thriving printing industry, printing more copies of Principia Discordia and The Pulatsovania Dictionary and Yellow Pages, 4th edition, than any other third world, dictator controlled third world country. There is also remarkable agriculture, but alas, all of it goes toward alcohol production, the largest industry. Scotch flows like water, but we still have to import our Wheaties, dammit.
There is also a bustling porno industry.
The official currency of Pulatsovania is the Hammer.
National Security in Pulatsovania comes second only to getting drunk and getting laid, seeing as how both of those acts are centers of the Pulatsovanian economy, and therefore, fund the military.
Much like you would expect, there are three main branches of the military: Army, Navy and Airforce.
The Pulatsovanian Standing Army of Honor and Great Justice
This branch is headed by the great Chinese military strategist, Sun Tzu. He is assisted by General George S. Patton and Mike Ditka.
The Pulatsovanian Standing Army of Honor and Great Justice is made up of lesser Samurai, Navy SEALS (don't ask), and the 1996 Stanley Cup Detroit Red Wings (Minus Sergei Federov, cuz he's a fucking pussy). While at the current moment their main job is to secure the borders and harass "whitey", they can be mobilized in a moment's notice and fight large scale wars on Earth and in space with ease.
The Special Forces unit of the Pulatsovanian Standing Army of Honor and Great Justice consists of Ving Rhames, and only Ving Rhames. Bitch.
Hungarian National Guard
The Hungarian National Guard is a full branch of The Pulatsovanian Standing Army of Honor and Great Justice, and is charged with the task of ensuring that Communism or Fascism never stop the flow of Scottish and Irish scotches and whiskeys. Also, they are allowed to invade any country that is known to harbor terrorists, Michael Jackson, ninjas, the reincarnation of Lee Harvey Oswald, and Cyborg Lenin 5000. Although The United Nations and The Super Friends refuse to aknowledge the existance of Cyborg Lenin 5000, The Hungarian National Guard will not be swayed.
This branch is headed by Captain Jack Sparrow, and he is assissted by Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) and a small council of super-intelligent apes from the future.
The Pulatsovanian Navy is made up 100% of pirates. If any non-pirate should step onto a Pulatsovanian Navy ship without the express written consent of the pirates who sail it, they are immediately forced to walk the plank or put into a gigantic net, and dropped into the ocean. This way, for liability purposes, it is the ocean that kills the offender, not the pirates.
For the time being, the main job of the Pulatsovanian Navy is to pillage world wide shipments of oil, scotch and Dr. Pepper (Dr. Pepper, of course, being the manliest non-alcoholic beverage, and is mined from the earth by lumberjacks) - and, of course, harassing "whitey".
The Pulatsovanian Airforce
The head of the Pulatsovanian Airforce is Captain James T. Kirk, with his assistant staff of Captain John Yossarian, General Buck Turgedson, and Duck Dodgers of the 24th and a Half Century.
For the most part, the Pulatsovanian Airforce runs support missions for the Army and Navy, guarding borders and pillaging booty. That's not to say that they don't have massive offensive strike capabilities, they just prefer to be a little relaxed in their daily routine. It should be noted, however, because of this they are the only branch of the military who actually get to kill whitey.
The official state religion is Discordianism, with the mighty Tower of Eris (now over 10 feet high!) as the national religious symbol. Every Thursday night, Benito leads the people in the weekly service, throwing tomatoes at Tony Curtis and prank calling the Dahli Lama and hanging up.
While there are plenty of various sports in Pulatsovania, the national past-time would be the Ben Party (pictured). While the exact details of the Ben Party are hazy, at best, there are innumerable claims as to the effects of the Ben Party.
The Effects of Ben Party:
Catatonic Bliss - Unequalled Joy - A Strong Desire to Mate - Spontanious Circumcision - Immaculate Conception - Cures Cancer
Ben Party is also fire retardant and can be used to insulate houses, boats, and cruise missiles. Ben Party is an excellent source of calcium and Vitamin C, and qualifies as your daily requirement for dairy. Ben Party is responsible for more unwanted pregnancies and genocide than alcohol and religion combined.
Pulatsovania Dictionary and Yellow Pages, 4th Edition
This is probably the most important book one could possess when traveling or living in Pulatsovania. Written by Buddhist monks in sweat shops in Bulgaria, the Pulatsovania Dictionary and Yellow Pages, 4th Edition (or PDYP4) contains the phone numbers for every citizen and non-citizen in Pulatsovania, as well as a section bustling full of businesses (Namely Dave's Oil Change and Whore House, of which there are 386,104 locations in Pulatsovania alone), as well the best place for you to get definitions for words and phrases.
Example: devine: (dee-vyne) (adjective) 1. Kinda like "divine", except spelled different. 2. The removal of vines. 3. Thingy
Note: The definition of all the words and phrases in Pulatsovania include "thingy"
Look, I'm not saying Parka is there or he isn't there. He was there last time I saw him, and we'll leave it at that.