Punk

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
(Redirected from Punks)
Jump to: navigation, search
File:U2Punk.jpg
U2 could have been punk, had they taken the proper initiative. Note: No need to change Larry.

I guess I’m supposed to tell you what Punk is, but I don’t even know who the fuck you are. I have pretty much no reason to tell you anything. If you really gave a shit about punk in any way, you’d look it up in a fucking book or zine, not on the internet like a fucking Generation Z automaton. If you really want to know, I guess I could say some shit. Unless you’re fucking obese and you sit in front of your computer playing World of fucking Warcraft all day and night, neglecting to leave your house to even go to a show or a rally or anything, I can hold out some iota of hope, whatever that means, that you might do some real research at a library or used book store to find out more. I should give a quick fucking disclaimer before I continue. This article isn't about punk music or punk rock or any of that shit. I'm not here to tell you about bands so that you can tell your fucking friends how cool you are because you listen to this shit or that shit. This article is about fucking punk, in its basic essence. That's fucking it. In any fucking case, here's the gist. You’re welcome. Oh, and fuck you.

Definition[edit]

File:Imgres.jpeg
Requiem for a Dream. Such a good movie.

The mainstream media will lead you to believe that punk is a genre of music. This is a rash, fucking severe oversimplification, common among shallow, uncultured philistines. It’s not easy to define what punk is exactly, so instead I’ll use a few lofty analogies. Punk is like jazz: wholly anti-establishment, and wholly American. I mean, some other countries emulate the punk aesthetic too, but America is for the most part where it’s fucking from. It couldn’t have come from anywhere else. If jazz gave birth to “cool” then punk gave birth to fucking “punk”. It’s a manner of existence, it’s a fucking philosophy. It’s yelling shitty vocals into a shitty microphone with a shitty band at a shitty venue. It’s shaving your fucking head and getting a tattoo of a skull wearing a fucking bowler hat. It’s being Alex from A Clockwork Orange every Halloween. It’s eating Frosted Mini Wheats with water instead of milk, because you can’t afford any fucking milk. I mean, you can afford milk, because milk isn’t that fucking expensive, but there are better things to put money down for. Like gauge piercings. In any fucking case, milk is a dairy product, and dairy products are not fucking punk.In simple words Punk rock is whining about politics in shitty way with shitty unprofessional music in the background.

History, Culture & Isms[edit]

Believe it or not, punk has its roots way back in the sixties. It may sound wrong to you, but it fucking isn’t. If you’d ever read a book in your life, you’d know that in the sixties, German philosophers (Netchie, Descarts, etc.) started existentialism. Punk is like the existentialism of now. You probably don’t even know what that means. It means nothing. That’s what it means. After a while, the government started getting shitty, and music started getting shitty, and after enough time, everything was shitty. Everything. Then, at the beginning of the nineties, the kids made punk, and it was good. What better way to counter-act shitty music, shitty clothing and in general a really fucked up and sterile culture built entirely on fads and creative regurgitation than to make punk? Mainstream was the disease. Punk was the fucking cure. That’s why the fucking band is called The Cure, if you’ve even fucking heard of them.

Punk virtuosa Avril Lavigne. Note the studs, tiara and "FUCK" belt buckle, as well as lots of purple and black.


DIY[edit]

An important element of punk is DIY. If punk were a rooster, DIY would be its snood. It’s basically a subcultural ethos formed in rebuttal, of sorts, to the inclination of contemporary media towards manufacture of creative product rather than craft, and centered around the principle that you should just do it your fucking self. If you want to make a book, make a fucking book. Seriously. Buy paper, buy a computer, buy a printer, type your shit, print it, go to Kinko’s and have it bound. That is DI fucking Y.

Nazis[edit]

Something you need to know about punks is that we all hate nazis. They do everything we don’t like. They hate and discriminate. They’re violent, angry, right-wing absolutists. They’re fucking nazis, that’s all you need to know. They’re nazis. What’s not to hate? Any self-respecting punk will immediately subdue and terrorize to the point of severe physical harm any leather-clad faggot wearing a swastika who crosses their path. Period.
Naturally, it’s important to know how exactly to go about assaulting a nazi, so that if and when you see one, you’ll be able to take shit into your own hands, rather than stand there pissing yourself like a bitch. A good crack to the head with a tire iron is a timeless fucking classic. It may also be good to aim for the genitals, regardless of gender. A nazi is a fucking nazi, what do you want me to say? That you shouldn’t hit a woman, even if she’s a nazi? What the fuck is that shit?
Feel free to use guns. To a pussy it may sound a bit intense, but it’s not. If your target is a nazi, and a shot or two can drop the fucker where he stands, then what’s the problem? Just shoot him. Or her. And if you get arrested, the chances of you going to prison for killing some skinhead are pretty fucking slim. When have you ever heard of that happening? I don't want to give the impression that punks condone murder, though, seriously, let's be fucking real. Murder is only punk if you are murdering a nazi. Otherwise, it’s just not fucking cool. It depends on the situation, obviously, but in general murder doesn’t go over well in the punk community. Especially abortions. Abortions are murder, and are not fucking punk. Self-defense is OK though. And if your mom was raped by a dude I guess it would be pretty excusable to commit murder for revenge. And if you’re hunting an animal for food rather than sport. I don’t fucking know, anything could happen, just figure it out for yourself. Anyway, fuck nazis.


Activism[edit]

Much of punk culture is driven by social or political activism. If you actually listen to the lyrics, this will become as obvious to you as it is to everyone else. They write the songs for a fucking reason. It’s because they want you to know about shit that’s going down, and that it is not OK. You don’t have to do anything about that shit, necessarily, but as long as you know about it, that’s a fucking start. Better than ignorance.

A practical and good-looking gas mask.

If you want to be considered an activist, you need to yell a lot. Seriously, activism is not for the faint of throat. Rallying for a cause or causes involves getting in peoples faces, raising your voice, shaking your fist around a bit, and possibly flipping a car over or throwing rocks and shit at cops or whoever. If you have a problem with setting shit on fire, you’re not cut out to be an activist. Standing outside of health food stores and asking grey-haired upper-class shitheads to sign petitions all day just ain’t gonna fucking fly. I mean, unless you’re cute. If you’re a cute girl, you can probably get a good few signatures here and there, but if you’ve got a dick and no tits, you’ll get a lot farther heaving cinderblocks through windows, trust me.
There’s a vital component to good activism that often goes overlooked, and I’d be remiss in my duty if I neglected to bring it up: Gas masks. We all have one, and if you know what’s good for your image, you’ll get one too. On the very off-chance that some crazy shit goes down in your neck of the woods, and the streets fill eagerly with aimless and spiteful youth just like you, you do not want to end up the sole pitiful little cunt running around with your bare, clueless fucking face stuck out for everyone to see. We don’t wanna see that shit. We wanna see a gas mask on that stupid head of yours. Never mind whether or not you actually need to be wearing a gas mask. Need is not the issue at hand in this scenario. Fucking shit up is.

Antiauthoritarianism[edit]

In order to embody the punk spirit, you have to possess inherently anti-authoritarian principles and demeanor. “Inherently” means from the get-go. You’re either for or against the system. It’s that simple. When a person is pulled over, he either kisses the cop’s ass, or tells him to go fuck himself. Punks do the latter. Every fucking time. The system is fundamentally flawed, and the gastrointestinal tract of our capitalist establishment is freakishly lubricated by the disgracefully abundant insoluble fiber of consumerism. If this mantra speaks to you, let everyone who fucking looks at you know it. Go to Hot Topic, and buy a shirt with Che Guevara’s face on it. Just fucking do it.
Never join the military. Huge fucking no-no. It may sound sick, shooting up terrorists and shit, flying jets or whatever, but its the most direct way of supporting your government, which is so fucking not OK. The fundamental purpose of your existence in this universe should rest on the fact that the government should go jerk off on its own face and die. Always. The hope of maintaining such passionate hate for the institution is immediately shattered if you choose to serve it in any way. This includes working as a mailman, a junior lifeguard or helping out old people.
Flipping off the police is a sure-fire way to earn points with the punks in your neighborhood. Any time you see one, literally, each and every time you see a cop, it’s more than prudent to flip the asshole off. They really can’t do anything about it. You're not doing anything illegal. In fact, direct to the nearest police officer or volunteer patrolman any profane or offensive gesture that comes to mind. Air-humping, pointing to your dick and balls, or even that thing where you use your tongue to make it look like there's a dick poking the inside of your cheek. This will do well to exercise your aptitude in the well-placed display of youthful angst, and a commitment to the anti-authoritarian conviction. Fuckin a'.

Individualism[edit]

File:L ed45a0f55c4e49e384c41568886569b7.png
A typical punk ensemble, expressing their individualism.

Being an individual is a huge part of punk. Punk can’t exist without a strong sense of individualism among all the punks in the world. That’s what we’re all about. You can’t fight the ignorance, idiocy, hypocrisy and fascism that glazes in a sugary stickiness the fat face our fucked up planet unless you come together as a singular force of competence and freedom and tell everyone who doesn’t like what we like that they’re stupid and should fuck off. You just can’t.
Highlighting your individualism can be a tricky fucking thing. You gotta be fashionable, but avoid following trends. Gotta act unique, but don't be an obnoxious faggot. Be opinionated, but don't have fucking lame opinions. When you arrive at a show or a rally, you want the first thought on everyone's mind to be, "Oh fuckin sick, that's so-and-so, he's so punk and eccentric, he holds his cigarettes between his pinky and his ring finger instead of his index and his middle finger like most people do. I want him to think I'm cool." If you manage to impregnate the minds those around you with thoughts like this, you've got them by the balls, and your individualism on lock.

Punk, drugs, smoking & drinking[edit]

You may use drugs. You may not use drugs. It's up to your fuckin individualism, hence it's your fuckin business. But you must drink. Mainly beer, although you are supposed to be able to drink anything from vinegar to anti-freeze. You are presupposed to always be broke because of drinking too much, so make other people pay for your drinks as much as possible, 'cause it's a fucking form of a protest against capitalism. You can have fights with your family based on getting home drunk (almost)every night, but it's okay, since you can yell at them for restraining you from livin' your life. That's also a form of a fuckin' protest, so it's your right to do so. Don't ever drink in glasses, tankards, steins and other variations - always drink from a bottle, if possible - pass the bottle between at least four other people. Don't go to pubs in winter, because it's a fucking form of protest. You can show generosity by puking after getting drunk. Fighting while inebriated is also recomendable. Smoking is a must and shows protest, since hitler was a fucking non-smoker and fachist and I've already fuckin' told you we hate those bastards.

Conclusion[edit]

File:T-shirt prd p lg.jpeg
It's important to keep punk alive in future generations.

That’s pretty much all I’m going to say, but I should really fucking reassert this point before I stop: do not think, not even for one second, not even for four beats in a measure, that you know even the half of the punk lifestyle just by reading some shit on the internet. Punk can’t be contained in the internet. If you try, punk will just piss and shit all over the inside of the internet until it breaks or doesn’t work as well at it did before it had piss and shit in it. Punk can’t be contained in anything. That’s like trying to contain your sleeping bag in its original fucking sack. You just can’t do it without fucking hurting yourself. I’ll leave you with some examples of punk bands and musicians.

List of Punk bands and musicians[edit]

Suggested further reading[edit]


Fat man.jpg
   v  d  e
Fundamental Stereotypes
Adults | African Americans | Americans | Aspies | Armenians | Australians | Babies | Basement-dwellers | Beatniks | Blexicans | Bros | Bronies | Blacks | Blondes | Boys | Brazilians | Brits | Brunettes | Canadians | Captains | Cavemen | Children | Christians | Communists | Corpses | Dead people | Dolphins | Douches | Dummies | Elves | Emos | Extremely Ugly People | Fantards | Fascists | Fat People | Feminists | Flying Gypsies | Foreigners | French | Frisians | Furries | Gays | Germans | Ghosts | Girls | Gnomes | Heroes | Hindus | Hippies | Hipsters | Hispanics | Humans | Idiots | Indians | Irish | Italians | Japanese | Jehovah's Witnesses | Jews | KKK | Lesbos | Men | Mermaids | Metalheads | Metrosexuals | Midgets | Minsters | Moldovans | Mormons | Mudripper | Muslims | Native Americans | Nazis | Nerds | Niggles | Ninjas | N00bs | Nuns | Ninja Pirates | New Yorkers | Old people | Pagans | Perverts | Pikeys | Pimps | Pirates | Platypuses | Poles | Preggos | Poor people | Politicians | Preps | Psychics | Redheads | Rednecks | Retards | Rich people | Romanians | Russians | Satanists | Scarecrows | Scots | Southern People | Teenagers | Thieves | Transsexuals | Trolls | Toddlers | Tourettes People | Trekkies | Vegetarians | Whites | Wiccans | Wiggers | Wookiees | Women | Yuppies | You | Zionists | Zombies