Punxsutawney

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The Hidden Layer of Hell.

Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania is a horrible and dreadfully boring land ruled by a Groundhog named Phil, who is one of the many incarnations of Satan, and a dictator for life named Snake.

History[edit]

Punxsutawney was founded in 1690 by some Canadian Fur Traders. The Fur Traders traded furs with Native Americans in the area until one day the Native Americans cooked the fur traders in a big pot and ate them for dinner.

In the year 1779 a new group of settlers emerged on the banks of the mighty Mahoning Creek and built a cabin. They were routinely horrified by the behavior of the Native Americans who would dance naked under the full moon, smoke a large pipe, and worship what appeared to be a large rat.

The settlers soon learned that what they thought was a rat was really a groundhog, who the Native Americans called Phil. Once a year, on Feburary 2, Phil would demand a sacrifice of human blood. In exchange for the blood sacrifice, Phil would tell the Native Americans if there would be six more weeks of Winter or if Spring was right around the corner. The Natives, unfamiliar with the calender used by the white men, failed to realize that there are always six weeks from Feburary 2 to the Spring Equinox, and were thus decieved by the groundhog into slaughtering their own people.

As time went by, the Native Americans slowly died off due to human sacrifices demanded of them by Phil. More white people came to the area. It was only then that Phil revealed himself in his true form, that of Satan.

The white people named the town Punxsutawney, which means "Land of the Devil worshipping Indians", in honour of the first Native Americans to live there. The white people refused to make the required blood sacrifices to Phile. Angered by the lack of blood, Phil took his revenge. He took the town for his own and forced all the residents into slavery, making potholders with his picture on them. He soon expanded his businesses, developing a factory for cookie cutters, and a second for T-Shirts.

In 1952, Punxsutawney ceased to be part of Pennsylvania and became the secret layer of Hell. All who visit the town are forced to stay and work in Satan-Phil's many factories.

In order to get new workers for his factories, Phil enlisted minions to travel the world and spread the legend that he originally used on the Native Americans. These minions, collectively known as "the Groundhog Club", have appeared in all facets of life, including the major motion picture Groundhog Day and the Oprah Winfrey show. It is their job to convince unsuspecting souls to travel to Punxsutawney for the February 2 festivities.

On February, Phil emerges from his stump of doom, high atop Gobbler's Knob, and ensnares the revelers in a large net. Phil then reveals his true form to them and forces them into a factory for a lifetime of hard labor making junky souviners and Beanie Babies.

Government[edit]

Phil has hand selected the best of his minions to run the government of Punxsutawney. The current dictator for life is a man named Snake. Snake is widely known for being on a plane.

Punxsutawney also has a town council who, due to shoddy decision making, often anger Phil. These mindless individuals are routinely used a blood sacrifices to Phil and bear no further mention.

Punxsutawney has a fire department, who have the job of stoking the fires that keep Phil in a hell like temperature when he is in his stump of doom.

The Punxstuawney Police Department is top notch. Upon arrest, criminals are either sacrificed to Phil or forced to do hard labor at the near by concentration camp Brookville. The crime rate is nearly zero, if you take out all cases of Public Intoxication or Driving Under the Influence.

What to do when you visit[edit]

When visiting Punxsutawney, be sure to stop in a the Chamber of Commerce store. It's the best place in town to buy the junky souviners that you will soon be enslaved to make.

Jaywalking is a popular hobby, as is sitting on a park bench watching traffic.

For the religious member of your family, there are a number of churches, most of which pretend to be Catholic, which have services in honor of Phil every day.

Popular sports in Punxsutawney include Curling, Paintball, bowling for shopping carts, Drunken Dodgeball, and Skateboarding. Nearly all of the slaves are forced to participate in one of these sport for the amusement of the groundhog overlord.

Be sure to eat at the local McDonalds. It is the only McDonalds in the world where you are guarenteed that what you are eating is not groundhog meat. Burger King regretfully will not offer the same guarentee.

Local sightseeing tours include stops at Margiotti Bridge, a famous suicide spot for Phil's slaves, WalMart, the Police Station, Sheetz Convienience store, Scotty's Doughnuts, Gobbler's Knob and Sandy's Beverages. Tours begin at 10 am daily and cost $10 for adults and $150 for children under age 12. No Senior Citizens are permitted on the tours.

By far the most popular thing to do in Punxsutawney is drink. A wide variety of beers, wines, ales, liquors, and other intoxicating beverages are sold at the numerous bars in the Punxsutawney Area. On any given night, you will find most of the townspeople at a bar, drinking their problems away and raising a glass to Phil in a celebratory toast. Drinking is so popular that the dictator for life has made it the official town hobby.

Town Motto[edit]

Come for the groundhog, stay for the forced labour.


External link[edit]

Souvenirs Made By Satan-Phil's Slaves