Pyramids
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Contrary to popular belief the pyramids were not created, or copyrighted by the little known Eastern Welsh civilization known as the Egyptians, it was created by the more commonly known North-Eastern community known as the Khazbleckhistanians (Circa 1865). The name Egyptians itself comes from what was then a common culinary procedure to produce a wonderful culinary delight, to be fair the terminology "Egg-whip-shins" doesn't have the same ring so this was later modified to what we know today!
These, usually spherical, or in shape proved to be incredibly easy to enter and exit as they were very open, usually glass and had a vast array of revolving doors. Today very few of these wonderful architectural masterpieces exist as the trend of public stonings came back in and usually resulted in minor injuries to the accused and vast destruction to the nearby buildings.
Scottish tramps regularly claim that they, or their forebears, invented the pyramids. But what you have to ask yourself is, if they invented the pyramids, why are they hanging around a supermarket carpark with sick in their beards? Instead of, y'know, being rich somewhere. Though Scots tramp partisans tend to blame this on the double-crossing cats, this is generally discredited theory, traceable to a Sainsbury's car-park in Islington, in 1995.
Pyramids, like Stonehenge and other such monuments were constructed (a) to be an early tourist attraction, (b) to annoy historians and others and (c) as a means of generating income for authors and others. (There is a time machine facility so that the income generated can be sent to the pyramid builders.
[edit] History
The Pyramids were originally thought to be tombs for the Pharaohs of Egypt, but it has recently been disovered that they are merely a practical joke played on future generations by the ancient [1]. the idea seems to be that the dead mummies have a hell of a good laugh watcing us try to figure out why and how these structures were built.
There are several other (wrong) theories concerning the purpose of the Pyramids and how they were built.
[edit] Theories
[edit] Spacemonkey Theory
It is said that the pyramids were actually built by intergalactic spacemonkeies, going by the names of Pablo, and Shavez. They were slaves to the Egyptians for many years, after being set free by MAMA Monkey they were angered and built these as a punishment for the Eyptians. They also served in China and Germany, Hitler was a result of MAMA monkey's expieraments, known as Exp 12345678910.2. Encountering spacemonkies is very rare and wounderous expierice. Remember don't anger them or we will have another Hitler. Below is a picture of an intergalactic space monkey in its natural habitat. (Notice the space-nana)
[edit] The Fälschung theory
Hermann Fälschung claimed in 1889 that the Pyramids were a hiding place. According to his higly controversial study, the Egyptians used to hide behind the Pyramids when the Nazis were coming to get them. However, the egyptians then realized that the Nazis only targeted Jews, so they started using the Pyramids as a hiding place to suddenly pop up wearing white clothes in order to scare tourists. This theory was then proven to be crap.
[edit] The Toux theory
In 1900, the eminent egyptologist Jean-Jacques Toux pubished his study, in which he stated that the Pyramids are merely piles of construction waste. He argues that the Egyptians used Giza as a landfill site to dump all the stone that was left over when they built their temples and palaces.
However, just two days later, Xuot Seuqcaj-Naej, another eminent egyptologist, claimed that the opposite was true: temples and palaces in egypt were built using leftover stone from the pyramids. Either way, both men claim that the egyptians were fond of the 3 "R"s of recycling, namely recycle, reuse, and reduce, especially in the recycling of stone, making the egyptians the first, and only environmentally-friendly civilisation in the world.
[edit] The Galenström theory
Pathologist Olof-Åke Galenström suggested in 1912 that the Pyramids were built by the Sphinx before it was petrified near them. However, this gives rise to the problem of who build the sphinx in the first place.
[edit] The Hamilton-Udder theory
In 1920, Sir Edmund Hamilton-Udder declared to have single-handedly built the Pyramids in May 1900. He said this was done during the night so no one could see him. However, this theory was later brought to question after his girlfriend's shocking revelation that they were haing a passionate love affair on that exact night when he was supposed to be building his pyramids.
[edit] The Glöffenschütter-Jakobsberger theory
The German pseudo-scientist Helmut Glöffenschütter-Jakobsberger published his so-called study The Pyramids: Their Secret Energy Things in 1949, arguing that a superhuman race from outer space had built the Pyramids using their superior mental skills. He argued that the ancient Egyptians just could not have been capable of moving stones from one place to another.
[edit] The 'Purple Dragons' theory
A Popular theory is that around 15 infinity BC Purple [citation needed] Dragons spat the pyramids out of their bulbous heads. A popular disney porn star; Barney, was once rumoured to have been one of the purple dragons, but Elmo, Big Bird and the Powerpuff girls pointed out that Barney was a dinosaur, not a dragon.
[edit] The 'Cement Factory' theory
This little known theory stems from the idea that the pyramids were accidentally created when an experimental, fully automatic cement factory was left switched on overnight. However, someone pointed out that pyramids are made of stone, not cement, and so this theory had been modified to state that "the pyramids were accidentally created when an experimental, fully automatic stone factory was left switched on overnight". Still, the name "Cement factory theory" seems to have stuck,simply because "Cement factory theory" sounds more egyptian.
[edit] The Egyptian theory
Since the "Egyptian" pyramids are currently located in the country of Egypt, some people speculate that they were made on-location, by the native inhabitatants. That's clearly ridiculous. If humans and camels were capable of making pyramids, why are there no photographs? Why haven't they made any in the last millennia of recorded history?
Some Bibllical scholars claim that Jewish slaves built the pyramids. This is even sillier. There is not a single mention of bagels or Roth IRAs in Exodus, so it's obviously made up.
This now-defunct theory was conclusively disproved in 1993 By Walter Scott-Fischer, using a complex mathematical formula based on toast and wasps.
[edit] Aztec-Mayan-Incan Devolution Theory
The Aztec-Mayan-Incan peoples origins are clouded in old mysteries claiming that they were visited by Hyperborean sailors who were escaping their own dying worlds and taught the noobs how to build 'Good Pyramids' (square looking ones, as opposed to the hotels they had been thinking of renovating in Las Vegas). Only the Egyptians have been capable of building 'Great Pyramids' (Pyramid shaped looking tall ones with a missing golden apex on top). Since these Oceanic communities were bandied up together by the sweeping Spanish Inquisitional reforms of Cortez the Cabalistic Cow Farmer, who was competing with Columbus for control of the New World Order, the joint-three communities have forgotten how to build even Good Pyramids and nothing has survived into the modern era. All surviving knowledge from this historical time period has devolved and discombobulated.
[edit] The land mine theory
The pyramids were created by the Wookies as a weapon in their interstellar war against forks. Most of the bombs that rained down on planet earth eventually exploded, when triggered by their fork-proximity sensors. Since the people in Egypt use chopsticks, rather than forks, these bombs still remain.
[edit] The crystal growth theory
The pyramids are a kind of giant crystal, formed deep in the earth, like the ones found in all mountains. As the softer sandstone wears away, more and more of the harder crystal becomes visible.
[edit] The Zergling Theory
The pyramids were constructed by Zerglings, who were practicing so that they would be able to build perfect pyramids for FlareonFurry inside Zergling City.
[edit] The Superior Wisdom Theory
Proposed by Q. Laureate Bandersnatch in 1999, the Superior Wisdom Theory holds that whoever built the pyramids - although Professor Bandersnatch, in his book Superior Wisdom, or Where Kent Hovind Went Wrong, does not suggest who these people were - built them to pay tribute to their "superior wisdom" that the Earth was in fact pyramid-shaped, rather than the Flat Earth theory proposed by Joseph Stalin or the equally crazy Round Earth hypothesis advocated by those pesky Greeks. Professor Bandersnatch holds a PhD in Pyramidiocy from the University of the North-West Passage.
[edit] The Commemoration Gift theory
The mongols builted the Piramids and gifted them to the egiptians to honor their friendship. They carried the Piramids by the Nile (some crocodiles at the end of the interior laberynth of one piramid seem to confirm this). But the egiptians afforded the expensive travel, which eventualy leaded first to a resentment in the taxed people and later to a war between the Egiptian Empire and the Mongols. The Egiptians lost, because of millions of mongol soldiers were hided inside the Piramids. After the liberation, the egiptians wanted to demolish the oprobius gift, but the colossal antiproject was delayed till the finalization of the big Wall, gifted to China.
[edit] The St. Peter Theory
The pyramids were built by egyptians as a memorial to Saint Peter, in order to commemorate his visit to egypt once upon a time. Ever since his visit to egypt, St Peter introduced condoms to the egyptians, then proceeded to ban it 1 second later on account of his catholic beliefs.
The extremely pointy top end of the pyramids is said to symbolize the size of St. Peter's penis, while the extremely large bottom end presumably symbolizes the size of his sexual drive. For this reason, the sexy american porn star hillary clinton posed nude right next to the pyramid of Giza during her election campaign, in order to boost her popularity among dirty old men who are said to make up 101% of america's voting population.
This theory also states that the common belief that pyramids were used to house dead pharoahs is wrong. Instead, this theory suggests that the mummies commonly found in pyramids are actually ancient egyptian aids victims who engaged in too much unprotected sex during their lifetime. Even today, Egyptians celebrate World Aids Day by attempting to fling used condoms on pyramids. The first person to get his used condom hooked onto the sharp pointy end of the pyramid gets a free lifelong subscription to playboy, as well as a free session with Egypt's famous prostitute, cleopatra
[edit] The Great Toilet Paper Roll Pyramid
The Great Toilet Paper Roll Pyramid (GTPRP) started materializing when the residents of 47 Lynwood Avenue started collecting the cyclical cartons utilized in the making of toilet rolls. They then started stacking the cartons on the toilet window, in between the old, green Mr. Duck cleaner and new, transparent one. They achieved to form a tremendous Pyramid formation of 3-2-1 in the short time period of three days. Aiming high, they rearranged the Pyramid into a 4-2 formation, with the task of forming the Holy 4-3-2-1 Pyramid.
In doing so, it was believed that the residents of 47 Lynwood Avenue would unlock the secrets of the Universe and be gifted with an unlimited supply of cake and gummy bears (Porter, 1980). Unfortunately, their efforts were abruptly brought to an end when their Italian housemate stupidly, yet predictably enough, disposed of the cyclical cartons. Devastated, the aspiring Pyramid Masters restrained themselves in isolation for three days and four nights, listening to depressing music.
However, recognizing that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, the residents of 47 Lynwood Avenue recently restarted building the Great Pyramid of Toilet Rolls, once again aiming at conquering the secrets of the Universe...
[edit] In popular culture
- Pyramids are featured in 70% of all video games ever made. The other 30% are variations of Tetris, although Tetris 3D Ultra-Hyper-Mega-Super 3D Pyramidical Super Fantastic Happy Fun Edition, released in Japan in 1985, manages to include both Tetris and pyramids within its gameplay.
Furthmore, it was recently disclosed that a member of global cypriot community, that wishes to remain anonymous, won the property rights for the Great Pyramid of Giza in a competition held by Special K cerial. The night after proved to be mark in the history of the artifact, as the Cypriot owner got completely smashed and renamed his new property to the "Great Gyramid of Piza". When asked about the future of the ancient artifacts, the new owner commented that he is demolishing the pyramids and using the bricks to expand the public road of Foinikoudes, which is situated in the Cypriot City of Larnaca. The owner commented that alternatively, he would smooth out the pointy shape of the pyramid and again rename it to the Great Nipple of Giza. He will then proceed to open a chain of sex shops around the world under the same name.
