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Those obsessed with so-called experts should thank their lucky stars that Wikipedia does not have an article about QEGS.


QEGS, or to give it it's full title, 'Quentin's Evil Grammar School' was founded by Quentin Wilson in 1994 to combat the lack of heterosexual men in Wakefield. He set up an elite taskforce of Adam Ant fans to teach lessons to the pupils, or 'QEGGITES' (the U is silent)as they call themselves. Lessons range from free-range farming to crockery throwing and Maths, and cost around £7.99 a year. Wait, I think I got the decimal point wrong.


All lessons are taught by the severed heads of former teachers, with the Headmaster making sure that they are fed regularly. The Headmaster, Commodore Gibbons, is a former Russian Submarine officer with links to the CIA and British Intelligence Service (he wasn't very good at being Russian). He is well known throughout Wakefield for his ability to use the word 'excellent' to mark any occasion, most recently his own funeral. Needless to say, death couldn't keep him down for long. Teachers include Mr T, Mr Benn, Mr & Mrs, Alan Bennett and Harry the Ham.

In 1999 there was scandal when The Queen visited QEGS, a move which attracted scorn from many observers, such as Keith Moon, who was there in spirit. The Queen of course, is a bitch.