QWERTY (Virus)

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QWERTY was the first ever computer virus, and is still the most widespread and dangerous self-replicating computer code of all time.

Close-up of a Pewlett-Hackard computer keyboard, displaying the final stages of QWERTY infection.

[edit] History

The QWERTY virus (the only known computer virus that predates the invention of the computer) was accidentally invented by Johann Gutenberg in 1066, in conjunction with the evil overlord Pat Sajak, his loyal sidekick Vanna White; and was subsidized by Merv Griffin Entertainment. The virus rapidly spread like wildfire from printing press to printing press, going well beyond its intended targets of independent rogue printing competitors. The virus succeeded in holding down all information-based technological progress from the latter Middle Ages right up to modern times.

[edit] Detection, symptoms, and spread of QWERTY infection

If the first few alphabetic letters of your computer keyboard read in sequence: Q, W, E, R, T, Y, etc., your system has been infected.

QWERTY works by systematically scrambling the keys or buttons of all textual input devices from their natural alphabetical order to its own preferred "qwertybetical" quantum-entangled ordering. This strange rearrangement of alphanumerical characters causes the innocent user to inadvertently download alarming quantities of kitten porn, make-lunar-real-estate-fast scams, and penis embiggenment advertisements with every single keystroke. QWERTY also installs vicious malware that secretly surfs and scans the world wide web, church bulletins, and local telephone directories for fresh blood.

QWERTY spreads through all known viral transmission vectors: e-mail, websites, software and image downloads, IRC, P2P file sharing, cable, electric power lines, floppy disks, Circuit City salesclerks, radio and television broadcasts, infrared and laser linkages, DSL, fiber optics, and SmelloVision™; and can even be spread via various modes of biological contamination (like sneezing).

[edit] What little you can do

Unfortunately, there is little that you can do about this, except to try to infect other innocent parties. The risk of secondary infections, which, if anything, are much much worse, may be minimized by taking the following steps immediately:

Disconnect from the internet.
Unplug and destroy your modem.
Shield your computer from all ambient sources of electromagnetic radiation (including light).
Encapsulate your keyboard inside a large rubber sheaf.
Cordon off the entire zone with sticky yellow tape that reads "UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!".
Wear a personal biological isolation bubble at all times.
Operate your hopelessly infected computer on a totally independent power source, such as a large system of interconnected hamster wheels, or a fart emissions generator with backup hydroelectric body secretions turbine.
Help Linkin Park's drive to spread QWERTY awareness by trading illegal bootleg copies of their song about it.
Turn off your computer and make sure it powers down.
Drop it in a 43-foot hole in the ground.
Bury it completely - rocks and boulders should be fine.
Burn all the clothes you may have worn anytime you were online... VIRUS ALER... DON'T SAY IT OR WE'RE GONNA GET SUED!!!

[edit] Variations

AZERTY virus, found mostly in non-existent places like Azerbaijan.

[edit] Progress

As of 2009, all of the top antivirus companies are feverishly working on the problem, but with little or no success. They guesstimate that up to 99.9% (+/- 0.5%) of all personal computers are crippled beyond usability. The fact that virtually all of their own systems are just as badly infected with QWERTY as the general population is not helpful in the least.