Qualified
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“I bet I'm qualified to kick your ass.”
~ Oscar Wilde on qualified
These guys were qualified right? They did require those Assholes to be qualified before they took over Germany right? Holy shit, imagine what would happen if you just elect some dipshits to run your government. Oh, don't worry about it, it will be ok, they probably are qualified, probably got all their qualifications by running companies and managing people, just like your fucking brain dead, retard of a manager. Yeah, they are qualified.
Are you Qualified? How do you know? Did you take a test to see if you're qualified, or did you just fancy up your resume???
Qualified is a relative term depending on your job and situation, after all, which determines if you are qualified to do your job, that stupid fuck of a manager who hired you? What made him qualified to determine that you were qualified, some cheese dick executive who is a closet alcoholic that is addicted to kiddie porn and is a cross dresser on the weekends. Holy Shit, thank God you didn't spend that much time in your manager's office! Makes you wonder what HIS boss saw in him, but then again, what does that say about you? Think about it, you were probably hired by a couple of cross dressing alcoholics who spend all night searching the internet for kiddie porn while they play Dungeons and Dragons online thinking it's an alternative reality for their "other" personality. OUCH!!!!! Thank God that guy's qualified!!!!, imagine if he were not.
And that fuck manager would ask you on your interview the first question that comes on his junkie mind--"Would you tell me about yourself??" And you shall answer this way--"I'm a fuckin' moron who fucks with a lion for 56 times a day and who doesn't give a shit about talking to you because you look like an elephant wearing super extra extra large panties and it's not your freakin' business to ask me who I am and it's not my fuckin' business too to tell you about myself because you're sitting on that chair for like 300 years, scribbling some satanic curses, playing text twist on your PC, and massaging your tiny penis commanding your slaves to do work while you're doing crap! So you don't deserve people who would tell you about their goddamn selves!!!"
And then pour some ketchup on his suit.
But since you have to be qualified and all, you have to please him. You have to look like Tom Cruise and you have to think like Einstein. You have to be confident, for example, like showing off your huge pair of papayas (if you have any) or masturbate in front of him so he would mistake you as Sigmund-sexual-Freud.
But still, pour some ketchup on his suit after.
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[edit] Quali-fucking-fied
Here is a list of the only people on earth that are qualified, you know, qualified, no question about it, they are qualified, no test, no certification, no nothing, THEY ARE QUALIFIED.
- Consultant. Oh yeah, you know what I'm talking about, that worthless prick that your company hired because he's some exec's brother/brother-in-law/son/daughter/wife, whatever, but to skirt nepotism clauses in corporate policy they bring them in as "Consultants", they don't really work for the company, but they will make more than you ever will... from their home... on their couch... watching Oprah. Yup they are qualified all right, don't know what they are qualified for, but they are qualified because you will never know exactly what they do. I guess most people are qualified to do nothing.
- Movie Critic. Thumbs up on this one. How can these Assholes NOT be qualified, they give the worst fucking movie ever 4 out of 5 stars and justify it by saying it is a thinking movie and all you dipshit losers are not smart enough to understand it's brilliance, where's my 6 figure check you tards. Think about it, these clowns are paid to give their opinion, I wish my brain dead boss would pay me to give my opinion, then again, I probably wouldn't be employed for more than 10 seconds after I told them what I thought about their management skills.
- Executioner. How can this guy NOT BE QUALIFIED, whats the worst that can happen if he screws up.....The dude dies? He dies faster? Oh yeah, thats right, he was supposed to die, no harm done. I wonder what kind of review an executioner gets at the end of the year........."Good job this year Bobby, 10 and 0, a perfect record, no survivors, heres your raise and bonus, job well done."
[edit] Qualified, HMMMMM?
Some jobs you just know the person is qualified (Or at least better be).
[edit] Doctor/Dentist/Nurse
They go to all that school, have to intern at a big fancy hospital, then they have to get a license to practice medicine and then they specialize in a particular field of medicine. Then they take more tests and get more degrees and get more licenses. Christ they should be qualified, they went to more school than three generations of your family did, I think they are qualified enough. However, is that same doctor qualified to clean my toilet? I think not.
[edit] Lawyer
The only thing a Lawyer is qualified to do is burn in hell. Enough said.
[edit] Engineer/Architect
I dare you to go out and hire one based on their resume, think about how you got you're job, everything on you're resume was the absolute truth right? Good luck with that.
[edit] Auto Mechanic
This is kind of a grey area, they are supposed to be certified by some automotive repair like certification, but come on now, has anyone really ever gone up and checked your mechanics credentials? Nope, not a one of you has, but that SOB makes like 75 bucks an hour and probably didn't get out of grade school. Who's the moron here? Probably the one WITHOUT some kind of cult like certification.
[edit] Pilot
When was the last time you got on a flight somewhere and walked up to the pilot and asked, "Hey buddy where's you're pilots license." Never, that's because if you do, you end up in the Homeland Insecurities database as a potential terrorist and spend the rest of you're life in fear of the Gestapo busting down you're door and hauling you away to SS Headquarters to ......oh, sorry I digress. When they are sober, they are qualified.
[edit] Law Enforcement
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHH, oh wait, you're serious? Well, after stealing a dopers drugs and using them, I guess they are qualified to beat the fuck out of innocent people. I guess you don't have a choice but to believe they are qualified, if you question them, they will either taser, rape or kill you, best just to avoid that one.
[edit] Qualified?
Some people are supposed to be qualified, they will tell you they are qualified, they may even have a fancy degree like BA, MBA, T & A, DA, PSP or something like that. Hey, just ask them if they are qualified, I'll bet they tell you they are, but are they?
[edit] CEO
Is the CEO of you're company qualified? If they are, what are they qualified to do? What kind of test do you take to get a license to be a CEO and what is that license? If there was a test for CEO, I wonder if it would be like this:
If A is greater than B and C is less than D than how many stock options do you give yourself for laying off 1000 employees?
A) 10,000
B) 100,000
C) 100,000 and then give yourself a 40% raise
D) 100,000, a 40% raise and a condo in Miami.
The answer is D of course, here is your CEO license Mr. Lay.
[edit] Executive
Same as CEO, but they obviously don't have the big fancy degree and license that a CEO has. I wonder if a corporate executive even has a license. Do they have to take the same test as a CEO, or do they have to pass a series of tests to get to the UUBER CEO test.
You're having sex with you're executive secretary and then, BAM, one of you're low level managers walks in and sees you dressed in nothing but a diaper while you're secretary is spanking you for "being a bad boy". What do you do?
A) Immediately fire the schmuck and threaten his life if he talks.
B) Invite him to join you.
C) Excuse you're secretary, then call security and claim the manager is forcing you into gay sex.
D) Promote the guy and then secretly hire a hooker to lure him into a compromising position, have pictures made and then blackmail him until he commits suicide or quits.
Oh, I'm so sorry Mr Smith, the right answer was D, but you do get bonus points for C. Please accept these keys to you're new office Mr. Division Manager and good luck on you're next pre-CEO test.
[edit] Manager
Is you're manager qualified? Probably not, more than likely they got their job because they failed so miserably in some other department that the company had to move them "somewhere" where they couldn't do any more damage. Too ashamed to admit they allowed someone so completly fucking retarded to work in management for 20 years, companies would rather bounce these intelligence deprived social orphans around from department to department in the hope that they just die from a stress induced heart attack before they are faced with the public shame of admitting their failures. Oh, probably no tests for these dipshits, they just probably sucked their bosses dick to get their job, which pretty much explains everything.
[edit] Supervisor
These people are usually not even qualified to wipe my ass. Ever see a supervisor with a spine? I believe the term Emasculated is probably incorporated somewhere in every supervisor's resume, some kind of requirement I think, once they finally make it to manager, they can take it off their resume and use "Pussy" instead.
[edit] Hourly Employee
Any hourly employee who recognizes that their immediate superior is little more than a brain dead, dipshit oxygen thief is qualified to run the company that they work for. If you don't believe that any hourly employee with an IQ above 100 is qualified, have them switch places with their immediate superior for a day and see how that goes. How hard can it be to say "YES SIR" and then suck his dick, oh wait, that's why you're still hourly, well, never mind, that won't work then.
[edit] Should be Qualified, but are not
Here is a list of individuals who, like doctors and lawyers, should have to take a test to be qualified, but they don't, so you take a chance every time you meet one.
[edit] Priest
You trust these Assholes with your deepest darkest secrets, you entrust your children to them, you donate money to them and you look to them for salvation and advice, and what do they give you in return? They molest your children, use your donated money for hookers and beer, then waste the rest and at the point you are most vulnerable they take your deepest darkest secrets and blackmail you with them to keep you quite about their gay sex parties with underage boys. THANK GOD your local preacher can be any swinging dick off the street, wouldn't want him QUALIFIED to be a Priest now would we, best we just trust him, after all, he is a priest, we are supposed to trust him right? That's what the Catholic Church tells us, yup, just trust him, he knows what to do, wouldn't want any unqualified priests running around, imagine what that would be like.....
[edit] Generals
Surely these guys are qualified right? I mean, they have, like, a General license or something, don't they? I can't believe they would just MAKE someone a General because they did a good job at some other job. I bet there is something like a General test before they make General, probably something like this:
A group of religious extremists just attacked your country. What do you do?
A) Kill them all, let God sort them out.
B) Declare all out war on the country you most associate the terrorists with.
C) Demoralize the country by bombing civilian populations for "housing" the suspected enemy.
D) Invade any country you suspect because they have valuable resources you need to secure for the future.
Congratulations Mr. Bush, the correct answer was all of the above, here is you're Generals permit, upon successful completion of invading a foreign country you will receive your Generals license. Have a nice day.
[edit] Car Salesman
Like lawyers, car salesmen should burn in Hell, barring that, they should be forced to have a license to sell cars, if for nothing else than to sue the fuck out of them then take the license away from them when they scam a customer, unfortunately, by doing this, there would not be a car salesman with a valid license for more than 24 hours, EVER.
[edit] Prostitute
You heard me, prostitute. I mean, look at all the advantages to this;
1) Divorce rates in this country would drop dramatically.
2) We could stop the overcrowding of our prison system and put the REAL criminals behind bars, you know, the REAL criminals like, 12 year olds who played with matches and burned a toilet paper roll, dangerous individuals who "pushed" I mean assaulted someone, 10 year olds who took a pencil off of another kids desk and 16 year olds that are out after curfew. Holy Shit, those hardened criminals need to be taken off the streets, they ruin it for all us law abiding citizens, you know the ones I'm talking about people like Martha Stewart, Kenneth Lay, The Rigas Family, Jeffery Skilling, Conrad Black, Dennis Kozlowski, etc, etc, etc.
3) Look at the money the city will save in internal investigations if cops don't have to sneak around to have a quickie with a hooker.
4) Look at the amount of revenue a city could generate from legal prostitution. Christ, within a few years the U.S. could probably wipe out the national debt.
5) A prostitute who has a license will eliminate those uncomfortable moments when, well, an honest mistake is made, you know what I'm talking about, you get in bed with a hooker just to find out you paid for a twig and berries not a kitty.
[edit] Un-Qualified, Dis-Qualified, Non-Qualified
Are you Un-qualified? Fear not, most of us are. Unlike being Qualified, being unqualified does not require any tests, degrees, certifications, licenses or training. Want to know before hand if you are unqualified, well, here are some easy to follow guidelines:
- Do you recognize that you're boss is a lying, spineless dipshit. Well, I'm sorry to say that you are not qualified. Oh, you don't understand, you're eminently qualified to identify a fucking moron, just not qualified to work for them. Understand? Of course not, we don't either.
- Can you do a job better than anyone else. Can you perform it at a consistently high level. Are you the one that everyone counts on. NOT FUCKING QUALIFIED. Well, Duh...we are saving that promotion for the backstabber/corporate stooge that will suck any dick as long as they don't actually have to perform any job. Hey, we didn't say you couldn't do the job, just that you're not qualified to do it, big difference.
- Did you ask for a raise to do your job, HOLY SHIT you're not qualified. We only budget money for management raises and to take care of brown nosers/backstabbers/narcs. Hey, as long as you're willing to do more work for less pay, BAH BAM you're qualified, you only become unqualified if you want more money. See how it works.
- Is you're name Bruce, Todd or Jose, sorry, you are not qualified for anything. You are probably not even qualified to do the job you're at right now, unless you take a pay cut, then you're qualified, but not as qualified as that brain dead legally retarded fuck you have to clean up after everyday, that one will be you're boss next week.
- If you know the number to any government regulatory agency. You are not qualified.
- Can you use Qualified correctly in a sentence. THATS RIGHT, you are not qualified. Soooo, you are not qualified to determine if you are qualified to be un-qualified, thus making you non qualified. (As a side note, if you understood this, you're still not qualified, but use it on you're manager, the dipshit will become so hopelessly confused that the strain may cause his head to explode.)
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