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A quasar is something we know as some kind of white blob. Other than that, we know absolutely nothing about them. Scientists think that there probably isn't anything else to know, and that we'll probably discover that they don't exist in the next few weeks.

A history of Quasars[edit]

Scientists, after begging and pleading and doing rather disturbing things with their telescopes, got very faint and fuzzy pictures with funny blob-things on them. Those scientists then formed a tribunal that decided that they would christen those blobs as "Quasars." They then proceeded to go through their naming ritual, which usually consists of a lot of pie throwing and kitten huffing. Most of them die of Low-IQ syndrome shortly thereafter, though this is only speculation - anyone getting within a mile radius of this immediately experiences an expanding vocabulary, going through the level of "insane lecturers" and "Albert Einstein" until they finally reach the level of "Astronomer" and are rendered totally incoherent. Such blabberings include words like "Electromagnetic storm" "Gravity lens" "Planck's constant" "Mice" "Drool" "Alt-F4" "Unix" and "XY-379v02" "UpDownLeftRightHoldAPushStart".

A few years later someone else got a faint, obscure and meaningless photo and called it a quasar. This was heralded by the scientists as "a blessing from god," or they may have been the Christians, it was too dark out to see. Our reporter was also stabbed repeatedly by the scientists. Of course, he had gotten in trouble with the mafia, so it may have been Barney. If you actually feel sad for this person, seek medical help immediately, you may have a case of empathy and be at risk for sudden death. Now, what was I saying? Oh, right, quasars.

Supporting Evidence[edit]

As of yet, no one has any data whatsoever, save for a photoshopped picture of a starfield with Donald Duck on it, to support this theory. What Donald Duck has to do with it is unknown, but the donalduckologists are currently investigating his involvement with Bullshit and are unavailable. At least, we think they are, they didn't answer the phone. Regardless of our total incompetence, this has been widely claimed as concrete proof that quasars do indeed exist, and that Donald Duck invented them. Many scientists claim to agree with this claim, but their claims have yet to be verified. However, the scientist who found this picture on Google created this picture in 5 minutes with Photoshop after painstaking research has this to say:

“Quasars exist. They have to exist. If they don't exist, Donalduckism as we know it will cease to exist!”

~ Fred Palgerizer on Quasars

Obviously, this is solid proof that quasars exist. Unless you want Donalduckism to die out. Do you? DO YOU? I KNOW YOU DO! I CAN REA- (Offtopicness has been truncated. Thank you for using auto-de-off-topic-ness tm)


  • There are various theories to how quasars came about, though the most accepted theory is that of a "cosmic joke." The theory states that this is all a cosmic joke played on scientists because Jesus pissed off God and God wanted revenge. Sadly, God messed up and took revenge on astrologists instead. There was much rejoicing (maybe, we can't be sure, it was too dark to see).
  • Cosmic lightbulb is another prevailing theory, stating that the universe couldn't see in all that blackness, so it made quasars to be its lightbulbs, lighting the way to salvation (or to a horrible death, they aren't sure which)
  • Nothing. Nothing at all. We think.
  • It has also been suggested that these were the origins of really small text, but the lack of experimentation has made this possibility doubtful. At least, we think so, we couldn't find hear the scientists.


  • The author of this article was huffing kittens
  • The summery of this article's posting was "QUASAR FTW"
  • I like green beans
  • This article is not in any way funny.
  • Everything you want to know about Quasars can be found here.

See also[edit]

*These pages may not be related in any way whatsoever to this article.